


Only A Memory Remains

by Dreamshaper, maschinenmensch



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: A Holtzbro Collaboration, Angst, Character Death, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, This Fic May Kill The Authors, Tissue Warning, a touch of fluff, basically all the feels, major sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:38:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 50,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9433256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamshaper/pseuds/Dreamshaper, https://archiveofourown.org/users/maschinenmensch/pseuds/maschinenmensch
Summary: A noble sacrifice changes the lives of the Ghostbusters forever. Full of regret, Erin and Holtzmann are willing to do anything for one more moment together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Elder Holtzbro (maschinenmensch) here. I've had the idea for this fic floating around in my head for eons, but never thought I'd be committed enough to see it through. I was discussing it with Holtzbro The Younger while we were in the middle of writing The Bucket List, and we agreed we'd attempt to tackle it together. 
> 
> Before you dive in, please don't expect the mindless, silly smut the two of us usually crank out. This fic is very sad, very angsty, and unfortunately for you (and us), will be very long. Tissues will probably be needed especially in the first two chapters, you've been warned.
> 
> Please don't hurt us after reading this. *heads to fallout shelter*

Looking back, the day had started so normally.

Erin had entered the firehouse promptly at 8am, Patty and Abby shortly thereafter. Holtzmann was already there when Erin had arrived - she hadn’t asked if the engineer had stayed overnight again. 

Maybe she should have.

The morning was quiet and mundane, the only highlight being Holtzmann dancing in the lab to a song on one of her pop music playlists while twirling a socket wrench. Erin remembered the way Holtz had smiled at her. The pinstriped pants with a purple collared shirt and checkered neck tie the blonde was wearing. Holtzmann beckoned her to dance alongside her. She declined, too embarrassed.

Maybe she should have.

After they ordered Chinese takeout for lunch, Holtzmann had sauntered by Erin’s desk, hands in pockets, a goofy smile on her face.

“Hey Gilbert, ya want your fortune cookie?”

Erin was transfixed by the bright blue of the engineer’s eyes, the way her nose curved slightly upward, the one stubborn blonde curl hanging over her right eye…

“Hellooooooo Eeeeeerin?”

The physicist blinked. Her open ogling of the younger woman was out of control. Her innocent crush had spiraled dangerously into…

...something else.

“Sorry Holtzmann, I was pondering something I just read.” The blonde smirked, as if she knew exactly what she was thinking about. “Um go ahead, take the cookie.” Erin turned quickly to return to the article she had been reading, hoping Holtzmann wouldn’t notice that she was blushing.

Holtzmann’s half-gloved hand grabbed the cookie off the physicist’s desk and made a show of unwrapping it, cracking it open and unfurling the small paper fortune. Erin couldn’t help but look up from her reading and smile, the younger woman’s antics amusing her greatly.

The blonde cleared her throat dramatically. 

“‘The one you love is closer than you think.’ Well whaddya know E, I had no idea you felt that way about me.”

Holtzmann smiled slyly. Erin’s mouth went dry.

“Well actually Holtz, I was meaning to talk to you-”

“Ladies! We got a bust! Suit up, sounds like a big one!” Abby’s voice carried throughout the firehouse.

Holtzmann’s face fell slightly, obviously curious as to what Erin was about to tell her. She patted the physicist lightly on the shoulder.

“Later Erin, we can talk later.” She winked and ran for the proton packs.

Erin closed her eyes and took a deep breath before standing. She wished she would have had enough time to tell Holtzmann about her growing affection for her while she was feeling brave. She wished she would have taken the time earlier to talk things through with the younger woman.

She should have.

* * *

“Sounds like a big one” had been the understatement of the week, perhaps of the year, Erin thought to herself as she stood with the other three Ghostbusters, unable to keep her heart from skipping a beat in fear as they all took in the apparition.

“That… is not a Class IV”, Abby was the one to say out loud what they all were thinking, “I think that’s not even a V. More like a VI.”

“Whoever made that call certainly held back with their descriptions”, Erin gave back, swallowing as the ghost loomed up ahead, glaring at them with glowing red eyes, the hatred and anger in them making her feel cold all over, “Holtzmann. Is our gear suitable for this?”

“The proton packs should be”, Holtzmann replied at once, never taking her eyes off the massive ghost - it might have been human, once upon a time, but whatever had happened to turn it into this apparition had warped it into what she could only describe as a monster, with extra appendages where there shouldn’t have been any and joints which bent in weird ways, the air around it crackling, and looking at it so intensely was making her head hurt.

“Not sure about the trap”, she added, swallowing nervously, “destroying it might be the way to go.”

“If we can destroy this thing”, Patty commented, sounding as nervous as Holtzmann was feeling; Erin was the one to respond to this, doing so non-verbally by pulling her proton wand from the pack, the other three following suit.

By now, the Ghostbusters had gained a sort of reputation among the undead, and usually, the ghosts they encountered reacted with anger or fear when the weapons were pulled out; even before this ghost did react though, Erin knew that it wouldn’t be frightened, expecting the hatred she could still see in the glowing eyes to increase.

What she hadn’t expected was the ghost to  _ laugh  _ at them, and suddenly, she just knew that this was a very, very bad idea.

She also knew though that they had no choice, they had to take up this fight; there was no one else who could do it, and letting this monstrosity roam free certainly wasn’t an option, either.

So she readied her weapon, and said the words she would regret so much for the days and weeks to come, words which sealed their fate as it sent them into action instead of having them retreat so they could form a proper back-up plan.

“Okay, let’s light him up!” Erin said, and pushed the trigger; Abby, Patty and Holtzmann did the same, and for a second, Erin allowed herself to hope as the proton streams wrapped around the ghost and seemed to hold it in place.

Then it laughed again, and shrugged off the streams as if they weren’t there at all.

“Okay”, Holtzmann commented, moving one hand to grab one of the grenades she carried strapped across her upper body, “apparently, the packs are not strong enough. Let’s try weakening it first, maybe we can trap it then!”

She threw a grenade as she spoke, and it exploded with a medium poof, right beneath the ghost; the apparition didn’t seem all too impressed though, merely laughing again - before it took up and vanished through the ceiling, Erin jumping back in the last second and avoiding the large glob of slime it left behind.

“Missed me”, she said to no one in particular, smiling when Holtzmann snorted; if the situation hadn’t been so dire, she would have said something in this very moment, but she knew that they had more important matters at hand, and so, they rushed after the ghost, having to take the stairs while the apparition just kept floating upwards, until they were up on the roof, all of them breathing heavier after the exertion.

“Abby!” Erin called out as she readied her proton shotgun, “grenade!” 

Abby reacted at once, tossing a grenade at the ghost, Erin firing a blast of the shotgun at the same time; next to them, Holtzmann’s mind was racing when the weapons had no discernable effect, either, her brain working a mile per minute as she quickly calculated the only option she could think of, tried to figure out if it would work, if it could be done without…

She realized it would work, at least on a technical level; and even though she was all too aware of the consequences, she knew she had to do it, knew there was no other way to take care of that ghost, and what the apparition might do if it escaped, she didn’t even want to imagine.

She knew what she had to do, and she’d do it, even with the knowledge of what consequences her plan would have.

* * *

Erin took a quick peek around the corner of the large HVAC system the four ghostbusters were sitting bunkered behind. The ghost was still cackling, but now it was tearing sections of the wi-fi tower that was stationed on the roof apart and tossing it off the 10-story building to the ground below.

“Maybe we should go somewhere and regroup?” Abby asked with concern.

“We can’t,” Erin said flatly. “The thing is now throwing things off the roof. The longer we wait the more likely someone’s going to get hurt.”

“Or worse.” Patty said with a grimace.

“I know how to end this.”

Erin turned to look at the engineer, startled by the flatness of her voice. “Holtz?”

“If I overload my proton pack it will cause a small nuclear explosion. Nothing that will cause any lasting damage to the surrounding area, but it should be enough to wipe out the ghost. I hope.”

“Oh shit…” Patty said under her breath.

“Oh no Holtz, I won’t let you do that…” Abby’s eyes were like saucers.

“I have to. It’s the only way…” Holtzmann’s voice trailed off as she looked at the ground.

Erin blinked. _ What exactly was Holtz planning on doing? How could she overload the proton pack? She’d have to be wearing it and… _

_ Oh no… _

“Holtzmann.” Erin gripped the engineer’s arm tightly. “Look at me. Look at me and tell me you’re not going to do what I think you’re going to do. TELL ME.”

Holtz lifted her head up. Tears were already streaming down her face.

“I have to Erin. It’s the only way to save you guys. Maybe save everyone.”

Erin couldn’t breathe. She felt Patty’s hand rub her shoulder from behind. She could hear Abby sniffling.

“NO! NO! I won’t let you do this Holtz. I can’t! I…”

Holtzmann lifted one of her hands to caress the physicist’s cheek. Both women were crying openly now.

“I love you Holtzmann.”

The blonde responded by leaning forward and capturing Erin’s lips with her own. The kiss was desperate and feverish, the couple knowing this might be the only chance they had to feel one another. To express what they meant to each other.

_ If only we had more time… _

They reluctantly pulled apart, their foreheads pressed together. The gripped each other’s shoulders as if they would never let go. 

“Erin, I-”

There was a loud sound behind them. The ghost had finished dismantling the tower and threw the last large piece over the edge of the building. They could hear screams coming from the ground below.

Holtzmann closed her eyes. “I gotta go hot stuff.” 

“NO! Please Holtz! I can’t imagine my life without you! Please!” Erin leaned forward and sobbed into the engineer’s shoulder. Holtzmann rubbed her back and looked over at Patty and Abby, who were also crying.

“Get downstairs. Don’t come out until - until after you hear it. Make sure she doesn’t try to be a hero.”

“We will baby, we will.” Patty’s voice cracked as she leaned forward and kissed the engineer on top of her head.

“I love you guys. Take care of Erin for me - ok?” 

Holtzmann gently untangled herself from Erin’s grip and scooted over to give Abby a bear hug. After a moment she turned back over to Erin.

“Oh god, Erin.” She leaned forward to give the physicist one last kiss. Erin tried to remember every last detail - the feel of Holtzmann’s slightly chapped lips against her own. The taste of the blonde’s toothpaste, the smell of her hair gel. The embrace was over far too quickly, as another loud sound from the ghost’s rampage caused the whole building to shake. 

“Gotta go babe…” Holtzmann stood up and powered up her proton pack. “Go. Get somewhere safe. Catch y’all on the flipside.”

The three other ghostbusters rose and headed for the exit to the floors below. Erin stopped halfway there and turned, taking a step toward the engineer. Patty grabbed Erin from behind.

“We gotta go baby. We gotta go.”

“Holtzmann! Holtz! JILLIAN!” Erin struggled against the historian’s grip in a desperate attempt to break free.

The engineer turned and caught Erin’s eyes, a single tear falling down her cheek. She nodded.

Holtzmann ran toward the ghost to meet her destiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, Holtzbro the Younger (Dreamshaper) here now! Please don't kill us for this XD As my Holtzbro said, it is very different to the stuff we've written together before, but we hope you'll enjoy it (as much as it can be enjoyed, ahem) and won't come after us with torches and pitchforks.  
> *follows Elder Holtzbro to the fallout shelter*


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof.
> 
> The only time I've ever cried while writing fic was when I wrote one particular scene in this chapter. Be prepared.
> 
> Please note there's a tad bit of blood and gore in this chapter - just in case this is not your thing.
> 
> I know this fic has been terrible to withstand thus far, but I promise you it'll get better. Just weather the storm with us.
> 
> -mm

_Perhaps I should be offended,_ Holtzmann thought to herself as she skidded to a halt as close to the ghost as she dared to get, and the thing didn’t react to her presence in the slightest, _just ignoring me like that, psh!_

On the other hand, she figured that this was a good thing, since it gave her time to do what she had to do; she was all too aware how it would end for her, but also knew that she had no choice, her only regret being that Erin and she hadn’t had more time.

_I should have done something earlier_ , she thought as she yanked the pack off her back and knelt down in front of it, _told her earlier or kissed her earlier or…dammit._

She took a moment and a deep breath to push thoughts of Erin and of what could have been out of her mind, knowing she had to focus on what she had to do to the proton pack now; she had built them, and could probably dismantle them in her sleep, but she couldn’t allow herself any mistakes, not with the ghost getting ready to wreak more havoc right there next to her.

“Lonely Ghostbuster”, it said, as if it had heard her thinking about it, “the others left you, then? You think you alone can fight me?”

On any other day, Holtzmann would have given him a deadpan reply, some sarcastic remark; as it was though, with the seconds she still had ticking away, she didn’t bother, but kept her focus on the proton pack, pulling and re-connecting wires, removing parts, working as fast as she dared.

“Your friends are smarter than you”, the ghost went on, either not knowing what she was doing or not caring, “they might have a chance to survive this. Survive me. If they are lucky.”

It was astounding, Holtzmann thought to herself, that the ghost was speaking to her like this; usually, they didn’t converse much, reduced to cackling and yelling incoherently, but whatever had happened to turn the ghost into the abomination it was apparently hadn’t had an effect on its intelligence and ability to communicate.

It was too bad the others wouldn’t have a chance to study this.

Holtzmann finished her work on the proton pack in record time - she always had worked well under pressure, she sardonically thought to herself as she slung the pack on her back again and un-holstered the proton wand, the ghost laughing again at the sight.

“This hasn’t worked when it was four of you, and you think it will work now, with you alone?” the apparition then wanted to know, with another cackle; and as she moved her finger to the trigger, Holtzmann smiled, as well, fire in her eyes now, not a shred of fear left.

“I don’t think so”, she told the ghost, voice firm and clear, “I _know_ it.”

She pushed the trigger, and the stream which shot out of the proton gun was so bright that she had to close her eyes; she felt the pack at her back heat up rapidly, and knew her calculations had been correct.

Holtzmann just had time to think _Erin_ one final time, then the explosion tore her world apart.

* * *

Erin’s ears were ringing and her whole body hurt, but she wouldn’t let that stop her.

“Holtzmann!” She could hardly hear herself as she pushed stone and metal aside, the stairwell having collapsed on them when the explosion had happened on the roof; she could feel blood trickle down her cheek from a cut above her eyebrow, and somewhere behind her, Patty was taking care of Abby, the researcher having twisted her ankle when she had fallen, but for the moment, all Erin could care about was Holtzmann.

She barely noticed how heavy the rubble she had to move out of the way was as she struggled up the stairs, moving as fast as she could and dared to; finally, she broke through onto the roof, stumbling for a few steps before she regained her footing.

The air smelled of smoke and fission scorch, making her eyes water; still her sight remained clear enough to let her see that the ghost was gone, so whatever Holtzmann had done with her pack had worked.

Blinking, Erin wiped at her eyes as a glint up ahead caught her attention, and she slowly moved closer, strangely afraid of what she might find; and as if the universe wanted to confirm her worst fears, she identified the glint after a few more steps, her heart clenching up.

Right there at her feet, Holtzmann’s glasses laid, one lens shattered, the frame bent and broken.

_Oh god, Holtzmann…_

Erin bent down and picked up the mangled glasses, folding them as best she could and putting them in the pocket of her coveralls. She scanned the ravaged scene in front of her, hoping against hope she’d find the engineer and that she’d still be ok.

She spied a bloodied hand poking out from beneath a piece of insulation.

“HOLTZ!”

Erin ran as fast as she could while dodging the wreckage from the explosion. She knelt down next to Holtzmann and lifted the piece of insulation off her body. The engineer was pale, one whole side of her face bloodied. Erin shakily placed two fingers alongside her neck and felt a faint pulse.

“Holtzmann…”

Erin gently lifted the younger woman to cradle her body and almost vomited.

While the front of Holtzmann seemed relatively unscathed, her back was torn to bits. Just seconds after Erin had taken Holtzmann in her arms, her coveralls were getting soaked in blood, and her stomach turned again when she saw the shockingly large puddle of crimson the engineer had been lying in; she had a second to wonder if it had been a mistake to lift Holtzmann up like that, if she had made it worse, if it would have been better to just let her lie where she had fallen.

Then, she saw the bits of white among the blood, and realized what they were, and all she wanted to do was scream as the reality of how badly Holtzmann was injured hit home fully. There was no way she could have made this worse, she realized, not with the bits and pieces of bone among the blood, and not with how torn and _wrong_ Holtzmann’s back felt against her arms.

“Holtz. Oh god.”

The engineer’s eyes flickered open. Holtzmann looked as if she was trying to speak, but all she could muster was a loud cough, causing blood to sputter out of her mouth.

“Don’t try to talk Holtzy. Help will be here soon. Hang on for me. Please Holtz.”

Erin tried to smile, tried to relay a sense of hope to the badly wounded engineer in her arms. But deep down she knew their time together was nearing a close. She knew Holtzmann realized it too.

Holtzmann shakily brought her hand up to stroke Erin’s cheek, leaving a bloody handprint in its wake. Erin would never forget the look in the engineer’s eyes, so full of love, so full of pain. It was as if she was trying to convey the depth of her feelings for her with her last breaths.

Holtzmann’s eyes closed, her arm going limp along her side.

“Holtz? HOLTZMANN?”

Erin heard a sniffle and turned to see Abby and Patty standing close behind her. Abby had her arm around Patty’s shoulder to help support her injured ankle. Both women had tears streaming down their faces.

The physicist turned back to the woman in her arms, now so still. She again felt for a pulse.

There was none.

“No. NO! HOLTZMANN! DON’T LEAVE ME! DON’T GO!”

Erin brought Holtzmann’s bloody face up to her chest and wailed. She rocked the engineer’s body in her arms, kissing her forehead, not caring she was now covered almost head-to-toe in Holtzmann’s blood.

“Erin, baby. The paramedics are here. Let them help. Let them see Holtzy.”

Patty crouched down and put her hands on Erin’s shoulders. The physicist turned her teary eyes toward the historian and saw two young medics standing behind her with their equipment.

“NO! You can’t take her from me! I can’t leave her!” Erin brought Holtzmann’s forehead to her own. “Please Holtzy - come back to me! I love you! I love you so much! PLEASE.”

Patty squeezed Erin’s shoulders as she spoke quietly in her ear.

“Baby. Let her go.”

Erin turned to look into Patty’s eyes and broke into a million pieces. As her sobs racked her entire body, Patty nodded at the paramedics who crouched down to move in a position to assist as the historian carefully untangled Erin from the lifeless Holtzmann.

“Come here. Let Patty hold you Erin.”

Erin gripped Patty’s shoulders for dear life, crying so hard she could barely catch her breath. Abby struggled to kneel down next to them, but when she did, she too wrapped her arms around her two colleagues.

They stayed like that, connected by their sorrow while the medics made a valiant attempt to bring Holtzmann back with a defibrillator.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without her,” Erin murmured to no one in particular, earning her a kiss on top of her head from Abby.

“Ladies...I’m sorry. There was nothing we could do.” The younger paramedic looked regretfully into three tear stained faces before turning back and covering Holtzmann’s body with a sheet.

“She saved us all…” Abby managed to choke out.

Erin put her hand in her pocket, feeling the mangled remains of glasses that sat on Holtzmann’s face just moments prior.

“I love her. I’ll never stop loving her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're sorry. It's gonna get better.
> 
> -DS


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter is a *little* less sad and tragic than the previous two. I think? 
> 
> Anyway, you'll probably start to get a picture what road this fic is headed down after reading. Buckle up folks...  
> -maschinenmensch

There had been pain - a lot of pain - but Holtzmann figured that she should have expected that. After all, she had known that the proton pack exploding right on her back would do damage, a lot of damage, and so, she had known there would be pain. 

She also had known that she would die, and so, it came as quite the unpleasant surprise when she opened her eyes and found herself looking down on her own body.

_ Oh shit. Am I…? _

“HOLTZMANN! DON’T LEAVE ME! DON’T GO!” The pain, the sheer anguish she heard in Erin’s voice was nothing compared to what she had felt minutes ago; and now as she heard the physicist cry out for her, heard her beg her not to leave her, she remembered, remembered how she had tried to tell her that she loved her and hadn’t been able to form the words, only blood having left her mouth instead.

_ Oh God. Erin I’m so sorry. _

“Erin!” she tried to say out loud, rushing over to where Erin was kneeling and holding her body - and the sight made her stomach churn, because her body was quite obviously dead, there was blood everywhere, and all over Erin, too, “Erin! I’m here, I’m right here!”

She reached out with a translucent, blue-ish hand, and even though she technically didn’t have a heart anymore which could clench up, she could feel exactly that happening when her hand passed right through the physicist.

And it only got worse when Erin didn’t react the slightest.

The redhead could neither hear her, nor feel her touch; Holtzmann had felt helpless before in her life, but never like this, as all she could was stand there - or was she hovering? She wasn’t quite sure - and watch how the paramedics knelt down next to her lifeless body after Patty had made Erin let go of her, not quite sure if she could dare to hope when they started working on her with the defibrillator. 

_ Maybe it’ll work,  _ she thought to herself, allowing herself to hope, if only for a moment,  _ maybe it’ll work and I’ll get back in my body and be alive again and then Erin will stop crying… _

“Ladies… I’m sorry. There was nothing we could do.” The words of the paramedic shattered the tiny bit of hope she had allowed herself, and her shoulders slumped as they covered her body with a sheet; and then, Patty and Abby led Erin away, all three of them crying, and Holtzmann felt herself panic. 

“No!” she cried out as she tried to follow them, but found it so hard to move all at once, “no, don’t go! I’m here, I’m right here! Don’t go, Abby, Patty,  _ Erin! Erin I love you!” _

Neither of them reacted the slightest, not even when Holtzmann yelled on top of her non-existent lungs; and as the surviving three Ghostbusters made their way down the stairs, Holtzmann found herself fading away, her final cry of  _ “Erin!”  _ as unheard as the ones she had let out before.

* * *

 

It seemed like a lifetime ago when they had all left the firehouse.

Perhaps it was. After all, Holtzmann was still with them then.

The three remaining Ghostbusters were taken to the hospital for examination. Abby was currently in a walking boot for her ankle. Erin needed three stitches to close the cut on her forehead. Somehow, Patty was relatively unscathed. They were informed they could identify Holtzmann’s body in the morning at the morgue and released.

_ The morgue. How is this even real... _

Erin had no idea how she was even functioning at the moment. They had tried to get Erin to take off her coveralls at the hospital as they were completely covered in Holtzmann’s blood. The physicist had refused. 

_ This might be all I have left of her… _

They stumbled into the firehouse physically and emotionally exhausted.

“Well that must have been some bust - you’ve been gone ten hours!” 

To their surprise, Kevin was still sitting at the reception desk, a dorky smile spread across his face.

“No one told you…” Abby trailed off, mortified they’d have to break the news to the receptionist.

“Kevin. Baby. Come with me to the kitchen. We need to have a little talk ok?” Patty reached over to put her hand on Kevin’s back, leading him away.

“OK boss.” Kevin stopped, a confused look on his face.

“Hey wait a minute. Where’s Holtzmann?”

Erin couldn’t handle it. She ran for bathroom.

“Erin!” Abby made a move to go after the physicist but Patty stopped her.

“Abby. Let her be. She needs space.”

Abby shook her head and followed Patty and Kevin into the kitchen.

* * *

 

There was nothing left in Erin’s stomach to vomit. But she didn’t think she’d ever stop feeling sick.

She struggled to stand up and make her way to the sink, first washing her hands and then cupping them, using them to bring water to her mouth in an attempt to remove the disgusting taste from her mouth. She glanced at herself in the mirror and gaped.

Endless crying had made her eyes red, dried blood still covering part of her face and neck. She had no idea if the blood was hers, Holtzmann’s or both. She figured it was probably the latter. 

She looked absolutely destroyed.

_ I’ll never be happy again... _

She gripped the edge of the sink and closed her eyes, letting another wave of nausea wash over her. When the feeling passed, Erin reluctantly unzipped her bloody coveralls. Once removed, she folded and stacked them in the corner along with her boots. She made sure to remove Holtzmann’s mangled glasses from her coveralls and slipped them in the pocket of her pants.

_ I’ll have to remember to tell the girls not to touch them. At least, not yet. _

Erin trudged upstairs and flopped on the well worn couch Holtzmann had stuck in the corner of her lab. The very same couch the engineer had slept on many times when she had worked into the wee hours of the morning.

_ A little more than 24 hours ago she was sleeping right where I’m sitting. She had no idea what was going to happen… _

Erin put her head in her hands. She bit down on her lip so hard to prevent herself from screaming she could taste blood.

“Erin?”

The physicist looked up to see Kevin standing at the top of the stairs, holding something in his arms. He looked as sad as Erin could ever remember seeing him.

“Yeah Kevin?”

“Um, I just wanted to say,” the man shifted his weight from foot to foot in apparent nervousness. “I wanted to say I’m sorry about Holtzy. I know how much you two loved each other.”

Erin stifled a sob.  _ Everyone knew we were in love with one another except the two of us. Oh Holtzy… _

“I wanted to give you these. To remember her by.”

Kevin walked forward and held out his hands.

“Holtzy let me borrow this sweatshirt of hers that one day the heat went out. It was too small for me but I wore it as a scarf.”

Erin took a gray hoodie from Kevin’s arms - she knew it to be one of Holtz’s favorites. A cartoon cat was grasping a tree branch on the front of it, the words ‘Hang In There!’ in colorful lettering beneath it.

“And here’s the coloring book Holtzy and I shared. We’d take turns doing pages. She was a lot better at it than me. But she said I was improving…”

Kevin held out a dogeared adult coloring book with an animal theme. Erin accepted it and flipped through the pages. She could instantly tell the difference between Holtzmann’s and Kevin’s pages. Holtzmann’s, while not always within the lines, were bright and careful attention paid to color patterns. Kevin’s were more haphazard, but Erin could tell he spent a lot of time on them. Her throat tightened when she flipped to the inside cover of the book. Holtz had written in her messy scrawl, ‘Kev and Holtz’s book. DO NOT TOUCH UNDER PENALTY OF DOOOOOOM.’ Beneath the writing was a crude drawing of a ghost with its tongue out, undoubtedly done by Holtzmann.

“Thank you Kevin.” The tears started pouring down Erin’s cheeks again. “I appreciate it.”

The receptionist nodded and awkwardly turned and headed back down the stairs.

Erin let out a shaky breath. She put the coloring book down on the couch next to her before pulling Holtzmann’s sweatshirt on.

_ It still smells like her… _

  
Erin cried until she fell asleep, totally spent and exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're still very sorry, and can only repeat our promise that things WILL get better.  
> -Dreamshaper


	4. Chapter 4

Erin awoke in the next day with a crick in her neck and pain her heart; she had fallen asleep on Holtzmann’s nap couch, she realized, still wearing the sweatshirt Kevin had brought, the colouring book on the floor in front of the couch.

Sitting up, she groaned, rubbing her neck, her back creaking in protest; she heard low voices downstairs, and figured that she wasn’t alone at the firehouse, not quite sure what time it was - she hadn’t slept well during the night, not that she had expected to, having woken up again and again, and when she had managed to doze off, images of Holtzmann had haunted her dreams.

She had dreamed of chances lost, of moments she had let gone by unused, and now that she was awake, Erin wanted to curse herself for each and every one of them. Maybe things would have been different, if she had said something sooner, had kissed Holtzmann sooner, if only she had done _something_ …

Glancing around the lab, Erin wanted to cry again, morbidly wondering if at some point, there would just be no more tears left to cry; it didn’t feel like this would happen anytime soon, and she had to blink her eyes rapidly as she looked at the workbenches, at the chaos on them, and realized that Holtzmann would never work there again, would never dance to her favourite 80’s station again and would never make her yelp again by twirling blowtorches in a reckless fashion.

Wiping at her eyes, Erin bravely fought to hold the tears back as she walked downstairs; there, Abby and Patty were sitting at the table they used for lunch and dinner, both looking as heartbroken and forlorn as she herself felt - and still, somehow, they managed to have sympathy for her in their eyes when they looked at her.

“How are you feeling today Erin?” Patty pulled a chair out for her, the physicist sliding into it completely drained.

“I don’t really want to feel anything.” Erin folded her hands on the table, trying her best not to break down again. Patty reached over and gave her hands a squeeze.

Abby stood up and walked over to the counter. “We need to discuss a few things, so I brewed some extra strong coffee this morning.” She filled up Erin’s mug and sat it in front of the physicist before returning to her chair.

“Jennifer Lynch is sending a car for us in 90 minutes to take us to the morgue to…” Abby’s voice trailed off, still unable to completely grasp they were going to identify the body of their close friend and colleague. “She um, also has a couple drafts of statements the Mayor’s Office wants to release on our behalf, breaking the news.”

Erin warmed her hands on her coffee mug. “You guys pick one. I trust your judgment.” She brought the mug up to her lips and swallowed, frowning as she deposited it back on the table.

“Shouldn’t we contact Holtz’s family? I mean, it would suck if they found out about...it via the news or something.”

“Did Holtzy even have any family? She never talked about them.” Patty shook her head.

“I know she had a brother. She mentioned him once to me. Said he was a real dick.” Erin smiled faintly at the words Holtzmann had chosen.

“Her parents live here in New York somewhere. She told me that once when we first met. Hang on, Holtz left her phone on my desk before we left yesterday. Let me grab it and see if I can find their number in it.” Abby left the table and returned a moment later with the late engineer’s cell phone, protected by a case that looked like a frog.

Erin closed her eyes, remembering how she had teased Holtzmann for that phone case when she bought it months ago. _Why a frog_ , she had asked. Holtzmann had grinned and responded with _because they’re toadally awesome_ before cackling.

“Ah, here we go. There’s a contact called ‘Holtzmanns’ in here. Let’s give it a try and see if this is them.” Abby let out a deep breath before pressing the screen and putting the phone to her ear.

“Yes? Hello? Is this the Holtzmann residence? Do they have a daughter, Jillian? Ok, ok. Yes I’ll hold.” Abby pulled the phone away from her mouth and whispered, “I think I just talked to a servant? She told me she’d put one of them on the line.”

Erin frowned. _A servant? What kind of people are Holtzmann’s parents?_

“Hello? Yes. Um, I’m Abby Yates, I work with your daughter, Jillian. Uh, I don’t really know how to tell you this,” Abby closed her eyes briefly before continuing. “There was an accident yesterday. I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but your daughter passed away…”

A confused look passed over Abby’s features. “Oh. I see. Sorry to have bothered you then.” The researcher emphatically pressed the phone’s screen, ending the call. Erin could see her hands were shaking.

“Abby? What did they say?” Erin put a hand on Abby’s shoulder.

“They said -” Abby let out a shaky breath. “They said they no longer had a daughter.”

“What?” Patty bellowed.

“Maybe it wasn’t her parents…” Erin trailed off

“No it was them, that was her mother.” Abby’s voice was now quivering with anger. “The servant confirmed as much. That woman sounded like she could care less. Like I was a telemarketer who was bothering her.”

“Man, fuck those people! Poor Holtzy.” Patty shook her head.

Erin put her head in her hands, trying not to imagine how much it hurt Holtzmann to have parents that abandoned her. _She didn’t deserve that, not Holtz. She deserved to have someone to take care of her, for her to look up to…_

“Gorin,” Erin blurted out.

“What was that baby?”

“Dr. Gorin.” Erin lifted her head up. “She was Holtz’s mentor - I bet she was the closest thing she ever had to an actual parent. We need to tell her…”

Abby grabbed Holtzmann’s phone off the table. “Her number’s in here…”

“Let me call her.”

“Erin? You sure?” Abby’s furrowed her brow with concern.

“I need to do it. For Holtz.”

Erin extended her hand. Abby gave the physicist a reassuring smile before placing Holtzmann’s phone in it. Erin closed her eyes and expelled a shaky breath before pressing send on the call button.

“Hello Jillian.”

A dry, smooth voice greeted Erin on the other line. She was tempted to hang up, but realized that Dr. Gorin had caller ID and would likely call her right back. The physicist swallowed before speaking.

“Um, actually this is Dr. Erin Gilbert - Holtz...Jillian’s colleague.”

“Ah yes, Dr. Gilbert. Jillian’s friend.” The older woman said the word _friend_ almost jokingly, and Erin knew that Holtzmann must have told her how she felt about her. The physicist’s heart hurt once again for all the opportunities wasted. She shook her head, trying to put such thoughts out of her mind, at least for the time being.

“Yes, um. I have to tell you something Dr. Gorin. It’s about...about Jillian. It’s not good and I don’t know how to say this and…” Erin rubbed her forehead with her free hand, a hair’s breadth away from completely losing it again.

“Erin.” Dr. Gorin’s voice was quieter, and the physicist could actually sense an ounce of real emotion within it.

“She’s gone isn’t she?”

“Yes - “ Erin managed to choke out. “Last night. She - she saved us all. But she couldn’t…” the physicist's voice was trembling now, the tears starting to roll down her cheeks. Abby scooted over and put her arm around her shoulder for comfort.

Dr. Gorin sighed on the other line. “I always knew this day would come, as much as I was hoping against hope it wouldn’t. Bless her, but Jillian always walked on the edge.” Erin thought she heard Holtzmann’s mentor sniffle on the other end of the line. “But that’s also why she was my best and brightest.”

“I’m so, so sorry. I just -” Erin continued very softly. “I just don’t know what I’m...we’re going to do without her.”

There was a pause on the other line. “Dr. Gilbert. Please send my condolences to your colleagues for me. I know this must be difficult. I don’t want to hold you up from...taking care of things right now. But please do call if you need anything. And let me know when the arrangements will be.”

“Yes, yes I will. Thank you,” Erin sniffled.

“You were very special to her you know.”

At this Erin lost it. Another reminder of what her and Holtzmann meant to one another. Another reminder that all her hopes and dreams for their relationship were gone.

Abby grabbed the phone out of Erin’s hand before once again her body was racked with sobs. She felt Patty wrap her arms around her, whispering soothing words into her ear. She heard Abby speaking to Dr. Gorin briefly before ending the call.

_You were very special to her._  
  
_Oh god, why?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first half of this chapter shouldn't make y'all cry for once. The second half... *hands tissue box*
> 
> *insert obligatory apology here*
> 
> \- mm

Holtzmann had expected several things to happen when she had lost her grip on reality back on the roof where she had died, from simply fading away to entering some sort of afterlife - part of her had been hoping for Valhalla, which sounded like the most fun, and had given her best to prepare herself for them, despite the turmoil in her heart and mind.

What she hadn’t expected was to end up in what she could only describe as a train station.

She looked around in confusion, not quite sure what to think; there were other ghosts milling about, some sitting on the benches on the platforms, some standing in little groups, others floating aimlessly, a few looking at her as she stood there, feeling lost and confused.

 _What the Hell_ , she thought to herself, taking a few steps on the platform, wondering if trains were actually arriving and leaving from this weird place - before she noticed several of the other ghosts staring at her, a feeling of unease creeping up her spine.

A group of them formed, whispering to each other as they all glared at her; with her unease growing, Holtzmann glanced around, trying to figure out if there was an exit somewhere, but before she could spot one, the ghosts got moving, one of them raising his voice as they approached her.

“Ghostbuster, aren’t you”, he demanded, the word making several other ghosts turn their heads, as well, “killing our kind. Looks like one of us got the better of you though, huh?”

Holtzmann didn’t bother to respond, feeling frantic as she looked around for an exit; she couldn’t spot anything looking remotely like an option to get away though, and if she’d still had a body capable of doing so, she would have started to sweat at this point, the ghosts looking pissed off as they closed in on her.

She wondered, then, if she could still feel pain - the ghosts they’d fought had seemed more pissed than hurt whenever they had used their weapons on them, but that didn’t mean that ghosts actually couldn’t feel pain, and if it was another ghost attacking her…

“Hey!” a female voice said in a sharp tone, the advancing ghosts stopping and, to Holtzmann’s amazement, looking somewhat apprehensive at some point behind her; before she could turn and check it out herself though, a ghost moved past her to stand in front of her, a lady in what she assumed was a dress from the Victorian era, her tone sharp as a knife when she continued.

“Leave her alone”, she ordered, crossing her arms over her chest, something Holtzmann could see from behind her thanks to her translucence, “or I’ll get angry, and you don’t want me to get angry, do you?”

They grumbled and groused, but apparently did not want the ghost to get angry; not quite sure if she should feel relieved or if she was in even bigger trouble now, Holtzmann gave the other ghost an uneasy look as she turned to face her, even though she felt a bit better when the woman smiled at her.

“Um, thanks?” Holtzmann said when it didn’t seem as if the woman was going to speak up anytime soon; her smile widened in reply, and she told her not to mention it, moving a bit closer to the engineer afterwards, the other ghosts giving both of them glares, not daring to approach them again though.

“They should leave you alone now”, the lady then went on, “I have quite a bit of pull around here. I’m Jane Doe.”

“Jane Doe”, Holtzmann echoed, raising an eyebrow - and momentarily quite impressed that she still could do so, even in her ghostly body, “not to be rude but… that doesn’t sound like a real name.”

“Oh, it isn’t”, the ghost replied with a dismissive wave of her hand, “but I’ve been dead and a ghost for so long, I don’t remember my real name, and Jane Doe is as good as any.”

“Oh”, Holtzmann let out, dismay filling her as she wondered if the same fate was awaiting her, if she’d be stuck as a ghost for so long that she’d forget who she had been when she’d been alive; clearly, Jane picked up on it, since she gave her a reassuring smile, sounding much kinder when she spoke up again.

“My situation is quite… unique though”, she let the engineer know, “I’m stuck like this for good, so I figured I might as well make the best of it and help ghosts like you - those who still have a chance to take care of their unfinished business.”

“Um, okay”, Holtzmann replied, not quite sure what to think of this, but figuring that she should take any help she could get, “thanks, I guess? I imagine I’ll need some help, I… I’m pretty sure what that unfinished business is, but…”

“We’ll figure it out”, Jane told her, smiling, “you’re not the first ghost I’ll help with this, and you won’t be the last. Walk with me? Then we can talk.”

Holtzmann nodded at once, not sure why she trusted that other ghost so fast, but finding herself unable not to; and when Jane gave her another warm smile, then began to walk - or perhaps, Holtzmann thought to herself, _float_ would be the better word - she was sure that accepting the offered help was the right thing to do, moving along next to her and telling her everything, the elder ghost listening in sympathy, none of the other apparitions bothering them anymore as they spoke.

* * *

Erin leaned her head against the tinted window of the SUV the Mayor’s Office had sent for the Ghostbusters, looking at nothing in particular as the vehicle drove through the streets of NYC on the way back to the firehouse.

Before heading to the morgue they had met with Jennifer Lynch to discuss the press release regarding Holtzmann’s death. Erin felt like passing out after reading the agreed upon statement.

_It is with profound sadness that the Ghostbusters and the City of New York share the news that Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, age 33, passed away last night following a tragic accident on the Upper West Side. Dr. Holtzmann was performing an equipment test on the roof of the former Newcastle Girdle Company which failed, resulting in her untimely death. The Ghostbusters ask that their privacy be respected during this trying time. Funeral plans are pending._

Erin shook her head. She knew part of the deal with the city was that they would never admit they were complicit in their work in return for all the resources they could muster. The Mayor’s Office had even offered to help plan Holtz’s funeral, which the physicist supposed was more than one could reasonably expect from them. Still…

_People will never know what Holtzmann did for us. For them. They’ll think she just blew herself up on the roof of a girdle factory._

She could almost hear Holtzmann’s voice - _I died on the roof where they once made ladies undergarments? This is a gay dame’s dream death._ Erin was able to smirk at this fleeting thought.

The feelings that the press release dredged up in Erin were nothing compared to the ones she felt identifying Holtzmann’s body at the morgue. Patty and Abby had implored her not to come with to see Holtz’s remains, but she had insisted. She needed to prove to herself that Holtzmann was not coming back.

She wished she would have listened to her friends.

It took all of three seconds after the morgue attendant pulled the sheet back on Holtzmann’s body, revealing her face and shoulders, for Erin to turn and run for the nearest restroom. Patty held her hair back as she vomited what little food she had ate that morning into a public toilet.

_That was not the Holtzmann I knew. That I loved._

She hated herself that the pale, ghastly looking face she had seen would be one of the last memories she’d have of a physical manifestation of the engineer.

The items that Holtzmann had on her person when she died were now shoved into two shopping bags at her feet on the floor of the SUV. Her blooded and mangled coveralls. Her boots. The outfit she had been wearing in the lab that morning. Erin had tucked the Screw U pendant that she wore everywhere into her purse.

All that was left of Holtzmann were inanimate objects and an empty vessel in a freezer downtown.

Patty bellowing in the passenger seat roused Erin from her thoughts.

“Ah, shit! What the hell is this?”

Erin squinted and looked out the window. Outside the firehouse a significant crowd had gathered. A good portion of them seemed to be members of the press and paparazzi, but there was a decent sized contingent of what appeared to be Ghostbusters fans, many of them young, many of them crying. Several police officers were attempting to the keep the crowd away from both the approaching SUV and the entrance to the building.

“Well thanks for waiting until we got back to release that statement. Goddammit.” Abby leaned forward and placed her hand on Erin’s shoulder on the seat next to her. “You gonna be ok?”

Erin blinked. “I - I think so. Just get me in there quick. I’m not sure I’m quite ready for this.”

“I don’t think any of us are baby. Ok, follow after Patty and we’ll get inside as soon as possible.”

As soon as the SUV came to a stop, Patty jumped out first, followed by Erin holding the two shopping bags of Holtzmann’s belongings with Abby bringing up the rear.

At the mere sight of the three Ghostbusters, the media members went into a frenzy, the police barely able to restrain them.

“Do you have anything to say about Dr. Holtzmann?”

“What were her last moments like?”

“Is it true she died battling a large ghost and not due to an equipment malfunction? We have witnesses who say…”

“Is it true Dr. Holtzmann consistently displayed reckless behavior, meaning her death wasn’t a so much a surprise?

Patty’s head turned at that last question. “Hey! Who said that? Get your ass over here and say it to my face!”

Abby leaned over and grabbed Patty’s arm. “No Patty! Let it go, ignore them. We need to get inside.”

Erin was clutching the shopping bags to her chest, trying to drown out the noise, the endless flashbulbs going off as vultures snapped photos of her during one of the worst days of her life. But a smarmy voice cut through the chatter and snapped her body to attention.

“Are the rumors true that Dr. Holtzmann and Dr. Gilbert were having a steamy, secret love affair?”

Erin lost it.

“FUCK OFF! FUCK ALL OF YOU! YOU DIDN’T KNOW HER! YOU HAD NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF PERSON SHE WAS!”

Patty and Abby managed to drag Erin into the firehouse before she dove into the crowd in anger. As soon as the doors closed behind them, Erin slid down and collapsed on the floor in a heap, the tears coming back with a vengeance. Abby and Patty joined her, holding onto her for dear life.

They stayed like that for a long, long time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're still sorry :/  
> -DS

“So you know what your unfinished business is?” Jane wanted to know as she floated in front of Holtzmann, apparently having decided to entertain her by performing little spins and loopings in the air; Holtzmann grimaced and nodded, pretty sure what exactly her business was, but not quite sure she wanted to reveal it to the other ghost.

“I think I know”, she thus said, deciding to keep it vague for now, “I have to… tell someone something. I tried, right after I’d… died? But they couldn’t hear me.”

“No surprise there”, Jane replied, nodding wisely, “if we all could fix our unfinished business so quickly, there would be far less ghosts around. You need strength to communicate, strength you don’t have yet.”

“How can I get it, then?” Holtzmann wanted to know, frowning - she wasn’t quite sure what would happen once she had taken care of her unfinished business by telling Erin she loved her, but she knew that she didn’t want to spend an eternity in this current state.

“It builds up, over time”, Jane told her, the engineer frowning as this wasn’t very helpful, “how fast, that depends on the ghost and on how badly they want to get their unfinished business taken care of. Some of us here took too long, and will never have a chance now, so once you feel like you can do it, don’t waste any time.”

“I wouldn’t, if it was up to me”, Holtzmann mumbled, unhappy; Jane gave her a calming smile, only to make her feel even worse with what she said next.

“Try not to get impatient”, she advised, making the blonde raise an eyebrow, “or even annoyed. Negative emotions are what causes ghosts to go malevolent, and then you might end up on the receiving end of your Ghostbuster friends.”

The mere thought of Erin having to bust her made Holtzmann’s stomach turn - and wasn’t that fascinating all on its own, she sardonically thought to herself, because technically, she didn’t even  _ have  _ a stomach anymore which could turn; she didn’t want to imagine what it might do to the physicist and to Abby and Patty if they’d end up facing what would be an evil caricature of her. 

As if she hadn’t given them enough pain already with what she had done.

She remembered all too well how Erin had held her dead body, had screamed and cried; she wondered if the redhead was feeling better by now, not quite sure how long she had been a ghost already, but somehow doubted it - she knew that, had their roles been reversed, if Erin had sacrificed herself for them, she would have been desolate for the rest of her life.

_ The rest of her life might be shorter than you think,  _ she realized, feeling cold all at once,  _ something might happen to her on a bust, or she might… do something stupid, and then you might be stuck like this forever. _

“Isn’t there a way to… build up strength faster?” she thus asked, giving Jane an imploring look, “the person I have to tell something to, their job is dangerous, what if something happens to them?”

“I will help you the best I can”, Jane replied, not really answering her question, Holtzmann noticed, but at least not shooting her down immediately, either, “I promise. It’s what I do.”

“Thanks, JD”, Holtzmann decided to take this without questioning for now; Jane raised an eyebrow and repeated “JD?”, smiling a bit when the engineer smirked at her and at the younger ghost’s response. “I give people nicknames. It’s what I do.”

“I guess there are worse nicknames out there”, Jane commented, earning another smirk from the blonde; and when Jane smiled back at her reassuringly, Holtzmann could allow herself to believe, just for a while, that everything would somehow be alright.

* * *

Erin wasn’t quite sure how, but someone, somehow, had managed to get the press to retreat by the time they had to leave for the funeral, only a few desolate looking fans remaining, low murmurs of condolences coming from them as the remaining Ghostbusters walked to the car the Mayor’s office had sent for them. 

“Thank you”, Abby was the one to answer them, Erin keeping her mouth shut as she knew she’d burst into tears the moment she’d try to say something; she managed a nod into the general direction of the small group though, then got into the car, trying to keep her breath even as she stared out the window.

All of them dressed in black, even though she wasn’t sure that this was what Holtzmann would have wanted - she could almost hear the engineer’s voice in her mind, complaining how drab they all looked.

_ You at least could have put on some neon socks, hot stuff _ , she imagined Holtzmann would say, perhaps with a little roll of her eyes; and for a moment, she regretted that she hadn’t done it, in quiet celebration of the person Holtzmann had been.

Her hand trembled as she reached into her pocket, where she carried Holtzmann’s glasses; they were bent and broken and useless, but throwing them out wasn’t an option, the glasses, with the Screw U necklace, being one of the few things she could carry around.

Holtzmann was dead and gone, but as long as there was an item Erin could keep in her pocket to remind her, she’d do just that, and touching the glasses gave her an odd feeling of security and calm, as if putting her fingers on the cool metal frame brought Holtzmann’s essence back to her.

She knew that this was unrealistic, and maybe a bit silly, but she couldn’t help herself, and she knew she’d need all the strength and security she could get if she wanted to make it through the funeral without breaking down in front of everybody.

“Here we are”, Patty tore her out of her thoughts, and made her realize how deep in thought she had been, she hadn’t even noticed how long they had been driving already and that they had arrived.

“We can do this”, Erin whispered, Abby grasping her hand and giving it a tender squeeze in response; she swallowed, trying to fight the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach, then took a deep breath and got out of the car, as ready as she could be to bury the woman she’d loved.

* * *

Holtzmann didn’t know how much time in the past world (as her fellow ghosts called it) had gone by, but she had spent some time resting and pondering after her discussion with JD. She figured if she was quiet and focused, she’d be able to return and see how Erin and her friends were doing.

_ Concentrate on the person or people you need to see _ , JD had explained to her.  _ You won’t be able to communicate with them at first, that takes more time. But you should be able to check in to the past world when you need to.  _

Holtz closed her eyes and focused on a vision of Erin’s face. She was so beautiful. She wished she could see her again…

When she opened her eyes again she was no longer in the ghost holding area. She was in a chapel of some sort, which was full of people dressed in black. She looked at the front of the room and saw an open casket.

_ That’s...me.  _

Her body wore one of her nicer outfits, matching grey trousers and vest, light green shirt and paisley necktie. Holtzmann could see through the closed bottom portion of the casket and noted with some consternation that she was wearing matching socks. _ Well at least they got the hair right,  _ she thought dryly _. _

Holtzmann scanned the crowd and noted Erin, Abby and Patty were in the front row, Patty and Abby’s arms around Erin who sat between them. She spotted Dr. Gorin, the Mayor, Jennifer Lynch and assorted other city officials she had had a few dealings with over the last several months.

She did not see anyone from her family there. Holtzmann was fine with that.

A man in a suit walked to the front of the room and said a few words - Holtzmann assumed he was the funeral director. Thankfully he didn’t express anything religious in nature, much to Holtz’s relief. She was glad her friends honored her wishes and didn’t try to force some platitudes about heaven or something similar down everyone’s throats. After all she was a Humanist, and any allusion to organized religion during her funeral would have felt disingenuous. 

After the brief statement the Mayor came up for a few remarks. Holtzmann smiled when he stated, “Dr. Holtzmann helped this office and this city more than most will ever know.”  _ One day they will _ , the engineer thought with a smirk.

Patty came up next, and Holtzmann knew had she been able to, she would have been a crying mess at this point. The historian’s speech was funny and honest, most of the attendees laughing when Patty shared the story of when herself and Holtzmann had to chase a ghost that escaped from the containment unit one cold January evening. “It is five below, and here is Holtzy’s skinny ass in nothing in a tank top and boxers on the roof, using her proton gun to capture this damn ghost. After she did she turns to me and says,  _ Hey Patty, wanna turn the heat up? I think my knockers froze. _ ” Holtzmann laughed along with the crowd, but that was short-lived as Patty struggled to stop the tears from flowing as she ended her speech. “She was annoying sometimes, and would drive me crazy, but damn I’m gonna miss you Holtzy. You’re the smartest, most unique person I’ve ever met.”

Abby gave Patty’s shoulder a squeeze before taking her place at the front of the room. She recounted meeting Holtz and the time they spent together at Higgins. Holtzmann smiled at the memories, recalling during that period of her life Abby was really her only friend. Abby closed her brief eulogy by saying, “Holtz taught me to take risks, to value friendship and to live everyday like it was your last. I just wish yours hadn’t come so soon my dear friend.” Abby wiped a tear as she walked back to her seat.

By this point Holtzmann had floated far enough so she was now at the front of the room. When she turned she saw both Patty and Abby huddled close to Erin, speaking to her softly. Holtzmann gasped when she saw how pale and gaunt the physicist looked. Holtz wondered if she had slept or ate since her untimely demise five days prior.

“Oh Erin,” Holtzmann rasped, knowing that unfortunately, no one would be able to hear her.

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to baby,” she heard Patty whisper to Erin.

“I ca-can’t,” Erin replied softly, her voice wavering. Abby nodded to the funeral director who walked up to the front of the room and announced the service was over. The attendees began to file out, the three remaining Ghostbusters still seated at the front of the room.

“Can I have a few minutes? Alone?” Erin’s lip quivered. Holtzmann wanted so much to put her arms around the physicist, her frustration growing that she could neither see nor hear her.

“Sure honey. Patty and I will be right outside the door if you need us.” Abby patted Erin on the back as herself and the historian exited. As soon as the door to the chapel closed, Erin stood up and approached Holtzmann’s casket.

“Erin, please. Turn and look at me baby.” Holtzmann tried to concentrate, tried to calm herself, but Erin still had no idea she was floating right next to her. 

When Erin reached Holtzmann’s body, she stroked her necktie, her hand shaking. Holtzmann noticed her other hand by her side was twitching as well. The engineer could feel her non-existent heart breaking when she realized Erin was playing with her Screw U pendant with her twitching hand in an attempt to calm herself.

“Holtzy I would give up everything for one more moment with you. One more time to tell you how much I love you. How sorry I am I never told you sooner.” Erin’s voice hitched. “I would die happily tomorrow if I could feel your body pressed to mine - if only for one night.”

“Dammit Erin, look at me! Hear me! I need you to know how much I love you! How sorry I am!”

When once again the physicist did not respond Holtzmann’s voice, the ghost’s anger boiled over. She twirled forcefully, so much so that when her foot passed through one of the chapel’s folding chairs, somehow she was able to clip the leg of one of them, toppling it over.

Erin jumped at the sound of the chair hitting the floor. She blinked, looking over where a stunned Holtzmann was now hovering.

“Here Erin, I’m here!” 

Holtzmann saw the scene in front of her fading away.

“No wait! I’m not done yet! Erin!”

Holtzmann’s world went black.

* * *

Erin was still somewhat rattled as she walked out of the chapel, rejoining Patty and Abby. The chair falling over had frightened her a tad, but what was more unnerving was the fact she felt *something* for a brief moment - almost like a presence.

_ It’s been a long few days, you’re grieving. Your mind is playing tricks on you. _

Still, the physicist couldn’t shake the feeling that someone or something other than herself was in the chapel with her, however briefly. 

_ No, I’m not even going to entertain the thought…. _

“Excuse me, Dr. Gilbert? Could I have a moment of your time?”

Erin turned to see Dr. Gorin standing behind her, wearing a long black overcoat over presumably a dark dress of some manner.

“Of course,” Erin nodded. “You guys can wait for me in the car ok?” Abby and Patty exchanged pleasantries with Dr. Gorin before departing.

Erin squirmed under the scrutinizing glare of the older woman. She had only met Dr. Gorin a few times prior, but she always felt as if the scientist was judging her. She realized now that Dr. Gorin had judged her to see if she was good enough to be a companion for Holtzmann.

“I’m sorry if what I said over the phone last time we talked was upsetting. I only wanted you to know how Jillian felt towards you. She was never one for falling in love with anyone. But you changed that.”

“It’s ok.” Erin tried not to unravel as she spoke. “I felt the same for her. Unfortunately we didn’t tell one another this until right before she..” Erin took a tissue out of her purse to wipe the tears that were beginning to fall. Dr. Gorin frowned and awkwardly placed a hand on the physicist’s shoulder.

“Sometimes life sucks Dr. Gilbert.”

Erin couldn’t help but laugh at the dry tone of the older woman’s voice. Dr. Gorin offered her a tight smile in response.

“Don’t I know it.”

There was an awkward pause before Erin gathered the courage to continue.

“What happened between Jillian and her parents? We tried to contact them to tell her she had...passed, but they pretended they didn’t even have a daughter.”

Dr. Gorin made a dismissive grunt. “Oh those people. What a group of neanderthals. Walk with me and I’ll tell you the story.”

Erin walked side-by-side next to the older woman, surprised that she found her way of speaking somewhat soothing even if it was rather stiff. She was beginning to see what had drawn Holtzmann to her.

“Jillian always played by her own rules, no surprise. She was never one to hide who she was or what she wanted. So when she was fifteen and she realized she had a crush on one of her classmates, she acted on it. To her parents’ consternation though, said student was a girl.”

“Oh,” Erin said flatly. 

“Her parents were religious, so when they found out she was...seeing this girl they grounded her and told her under no circumstances was she to see her again. Well, that didn’t stop Jillian. So when her father found her in the backseat of his car parked in the garage in shall we say, a compromising position with her object of affection, he demanded she go to church counseling or she had one hour to pack her things and leave. Jillian said she packed up and was out of the house in twenty.”

“That’s terrible.” Erin couldn’t imagine the pain Holtzmann must have felt due to her parents’ rejection. All for existing as the person she was.

“She stayed with her brother for a short time after that. He’s about ten years older than she and had an alcohol abuse issue. She was smart enough though to get her GED as soon as she could and received a perfect score on her SATs. Jillian received a full scholarship to MIT at sixteen. As far as I know she never spoke to her family again.”

Dr. Gorin stopped and turned to face Erin. “I must be going Dr. Gilbert, I have a train to catch. But please -” she handed Erin a card. “This has both my office and personal numbers on it. Please do call if you ever need anything. Jillian was...special to me. As she was to you.”

Erin’s eyes watered again at the brief moment of emotion the scientist displayed.

“Thank you Dr. Gorin. For everything you did for Jillian.”  
  
Dr. Gorin smiled warmly. “My thanks to you as well Dr. Gilbert.”


	7. Chapter 7

Even with the funeral over and done, Holtzmann being gone still felt unreal to Erin when she walked into the firehouse in the next morning.

She wondered how long it would take until this would change - how long until she  _ wouldn’t _ expect Holtzmann to be dancing through the lab, or fiddling with the coffee machine, or greet her with a bright smile and a “Good morning, hot stuff” when she’d walk in.

Maybe it’d never stop, she thought to herself with a pang in her heart; maybe, for as long as the Ghostbusters would go on, she’d always expect Holtzmann to pop up and make a joke, or dance. She wasn’t sure if that thought should terrify or comfort her.

At least, she didn’t arrive at an empty firehouse, Erin told herself as she took off her jacket; Abby was already there, making coffee in the kitchen - God, Erin realized, she’d even miss the coffee Holtzmann had made, she always had complained that it was too strong, that it’d give her a heart-attack some day, and she’d drop dead at her desk.

_ I’m gonna give you CPR, hot stuff,  _ Holtzmann always had said to that, with one of her winks, and never reacting differently than with nervous laughter would be one more thing Erin could add to her already endless list of regrets.

“Good morning, Abby”, she greeted her friend, in an attempt to distract herself from the memories; Abby gave her a wry smile and returned her greeting, then offered coffee, the physicist nodding as she moved to join her at the kitchen counter.

“Feels weird, doesn’t it”, Abby mumbled, looking around, as if she almost expected the engineer to appear out of thin air, as well, “I keep waiting for her to come sliding down that pole, get some coffee and complain that it’s not strong enough.”

Erin nodded, running a shaky hand through her hair; she took in a deep breath, and Abby moved to embrace her, the physicist burying her face in the other woman’s shoulder for half a minute before she forced herself to look up again.

“It just doesn’t feel right”, she said, earning a nod from her best friend, “just… going back to work, without her. My whiteboard is full with calculations for that proton sword she wanted, and I don’t want to delete them and work on something else but… they’re useless now, aren’t they?”

She sniffled at the last words, Abby rubbing her back with a pained look on her face; she, in turn, had been proofreading Holtzmann’s contribution to their new book, and the thought of doing more of that, of reading words Holtzmann had written a day before she had sacrificed herself for them made her heart clench up.

“God, this is so messed up”, Erin whispered, wiping at her eyes; then, she cleared her throat and squared her shoulders, giving her best to sound determined and strong when she went on. “But we have to go on. It’s what she would have wanted…”

Abby nodded again and managed a small smile; Erin smiled back at her, then wiped at her eyes once more, somewhat glad that at least, she hadn’t burst into tears this time. (The hours she had spent crying in her bed after the funeral didn’t count, she decided, because no one had seen her do it.)

“I’ll get to work, then”, she said, determined to do what Holtzmann would have wanted her to do; Abby voiced her agreement and told her she’d do the same, and by the time Patty arrived, they both were somewhat busy, even though it still felt weird for both of them.

After greetings had been exchanged and a brief talk, Patty picked her work up again, as well, feeling just as odd about it as Erin and Abby; when the door to the firehouse opened again, they all thought it was Kevin coming in, and didn’t bother to look, not until they heard an unfamiliar voice say “Um, hello?”.

“Yes?” Erin was the one to react first, looking from her desk to the lobby; there, a tall and lanky man was standing, about their age, with short, dark hair and five days worth of stubble, looking a bit disheveled, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly as he looked back at her.

“Um, hi”, he said again, taking a tentative step closer, “I’m Joe Holtzmann? Jillian’s brother?”

“Oh”, Erin brought out, a bit faintly, remembering what Dr Gorin had told her about the man; she put her pen down - she hadn’t had the heart yet to erase the calculations she’d been working on for Holtzmann - and walked over to where the guy was standing, shaking his hand, holding back a grimace when she realized that she now was close enough to smell the liquor on the man’s breath.

“Erin Gilbert”, she remembered to introduce herself, “these are Abby Yates and Patty Tolan, we worked with Holtz…”

“Still the last name thing, eh”, Joe commented, glancing around the firehouse, Erin taking note of how he didn’t seem all too upset by his sister’s death, “she never liked her first name. You guys went along with it?”

“Um, sure”, Erin gave back, not sure what else to reply; he shrugged, then looked at her again, and the complete lack of sadness or pain in his eyes somewhat took her aback, gave her the feeling that the need for comfort after his sister’s death wasn’t why the man was here.

“Okay”, he said with a shrug, “so, um, you got any of her stuff here? I was at her apartment first, but there was barely anything.”

“Yeah, most of her stuff is here”, Abby threw in, moving to stand by Erin’s side, in a quiet demonstration of support, “but it’s mostly work related, I doubt it would be of much interest to you. Unless you’re into nuclear engineering.”

“Nah”, Joe replied with a dismissive wave of his hand, “can I take a look anyway? Maybe there’ll be something good?”

“No”, Erin curtly gave back, having seen through him at this point - he wasn’t here to speak of Holtzmann, or because he needed comfort and talk to someone who had known his sister, he was here to act as a vulture and salvage what he could from the engineer’s stuff, and Erin was not willing to let him rifle through Holtzmann’s things just so he could sell them for alcohol.

“I think you should leave”, she added, but he was unimpressed, still looking around, as if he could spot anything valuable and make a run for it, “if the only reason you’re here is to get free things. You did process in your liquor-soaked brain that your sister is dead, right?”

“Eh, we haven’t spoken ever since she got into her fancy college”, Joe told her, with a roll of his eyes, “bit ungrateful, if you ask me. I mean, I did let her stay with me when Mom and Dad kicked her out, unlike them, I didn’t care she was a carpet muncher.”

At hearing him refer to Holtzmann like that, Erin saw red, her fists clenching. Holtzmann’s brother raised an eyebrow at her reaction, a slight smirk spreading across his face.

“Oh I see she worked her charms on you too. Jill always liked screwing redheads.”

At that Erin began to lunge forward; before she could explode though, and maybe punch the man, Abby grabbed her and held her back, and Patty came rushing over to help, as well, moving to stand between Erin and Joe, voice stern when she told the man he definitely should leave now.

“Fine”, he said with a roll of his eyes, “calm your tits, Jesus.”

“Go!” Patty snapped at him, and he did just that; and none of them was aware that Holtzmann had been there to witness the whole thing, unseen and unheard by everyone - and angry.

* * *

After disappearing into the void after kicking over the chair in anger at her funeral, Holtzmann had spent some time in reflection in the holding area over what had transpired. That she was able to physically move something in the past world excited her - perhaps she would be able to make contact with Erin soon. But she was also disturbed at how easily she flew off the handle and how *good* it felt to be angry. An image of Erin capturing her with her proton stream, tears falling down her face gave her pause. Unfortunately JD was nowhere to be found at the moment to inquire about how dangerous such feelings could get. So Holtzmann waited for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, until she felt she was ready make a reappearance in the past world.

When she opened her eyes after meditating, she immediately recognized the familiar surroundings of the firehouse. Holtzmann smiled wistfully, the memories of the good times herself and her friends shared in this building flooding back. Such happiness was short-lived when she spotted a familiar face speaking to Erin.

Her brother.

Holtzmann hadn’t seen him in almost twenty years - his hair was thinner, his stomach larger, but Joe was pretty much the same as when she had left him behind for MIT - a drunken, impolite pig. She immediately knew why he was there.

He wanted to pawn off all her belongings for booze.

A familiar rush of anger coursed through her veins - she could never understand why she was shunned so quickly, so forcefully, by her parents for being gay while they forgave and tolerated her drunk of an older brother. 

_ It’s not fair, it’s never fair.. _

_ Stop. _

_ Don’t get angry… _

Holtzmann tried to focus, tried not to lash out. She almost felt like she was in control of her emotions again when she heard her brother smarmily call her a carpet muncher, followed by implying that she had slept with Erin for her looks.

The ghost felt the blood pounding in her ears, which was only amplified by the look of anger on Erin’s face as she lunged for her brother, prevented only from punching him by Patty and Abby. She had a flashback to when she lived with Joe at sixteen, kissing a girl she was casually dating outside the apartment not knowing her brother had been observing from the upstairs window. Walking in the apartment to find him smirking at her, a can of beer in his hand.  _ She’s cute _ , he slurred. _ Is she into guys too? _

_ I’ll get him for you Erin. For both of us… _

Holtzmann followed Joe as he left the firehouse, not even realizing she had floated right through the building’s wall. She trailed close behind him as he walked down the sidewalk, glaring at his back, all the while a voice from deep inside kept repeating two words:

_ Kill him. _

The ghost rushed forward, a primal scream escaping her lips. Before she could stop herself Holtzmann used all her strength to sweep the legs right out from under her brother. He face planted, a muffled cry sounding as the air was expelled from his lungs. Holtzmann floated above him, glaring at his face as he looked up terrified, blood dripping from his split chin.

“Who - who’s there?”

Holtzmann licked her lips, ready to end it. She glanced to see if anyone else was nearby when she saw a brief reflection of herself in a puddle. 

Her eyes were glowing red.

The reflection disappeared almost as soon as she saw it, but she felt a wave of coldness pass through her.

__ What have I done?  
  
She disappeared into the darkness. 


	8. Chapter 8

Holtzmann wasn’t really surprised to find herself back in the train station when she became aware of her surroundings again - she wasn’t quite sure if she could say “opened her eyes again”, because technically, she no longer had physical eyes she could open; what did surprise her though was that JD practically rushed at her the moment she had appeared.

And the Victorian ghost looked angry.

“Holtzmann!” she said, even going as far as poking her in the chest with her index finger - and since she felt that, Holtzmann figured that the other ghosts could have done some damage to her the other day, and was grateful all over again that JD had stepped in, “what did I say about getting angry?!”

“I couldn’t help it!” Holtzmann defended herself, shoulders sagging, “he was talking shit at Erin, what was I supposed to do?!”

“You’ll need to learn to control this!” JD told her, unimpressed by her puppy dog eyes, to the engineer’s dismay - they always had worked on Abby and Erin, and while Patty had managed to withstand them at first, she’d been starting to give in to them, too, the blonde sure that she would have gotten her to succumb to them fully some day soon, had she not died. 

“I told you”, JD went on, Holtzmann giving up on the puppy dog look at the strict tone of the other ghost’s voice and just looking chastened, “negative emotions is what will make you go malevolent. Not to mention attacking humans!”

Briefly, the engineer wondered how JD knew about this, then shrugged it off, figuring that the ghost had been around long enough to have a few tricks up her sleeve; she shuffled her feet and stared at the floor, feeling bad about what she had done now.

“I know how easy it is to give in to the anger”, JD told her, sounding a bit kinder now, “and I know that anger makes it easier to interact with the past world, but that is not the way. You have to believe me on this, or you’ll find yourself at the receiving end of a proton stream sooner than you might think.”

“Well it’s kinda difficult to not get angry”, Holtzmann admitted, looking up at her again, “because when I do, I can do stuff! I tried being quiet and calm like you said, but it’s no good, all I can do is float around then and they can’t even hear me. But when I got angry…”

“I know, I know”, JD reassured her, reaching out to pat her shoulder, “and I understand, I do. But anger is not the way, you hear me? It will grow, and consume you, and before you know it, you’ll be scaring some harmless old lady.”

She paused, and if she’d still had a body, Holtzmann thought to herself, she would have taken a deep breath at this point, the engineer’s eyes widening at what JD said next. “Or you’ll end up haunting a little girl every night and scar her for life.”

“How do you know”, Holtzmann brought out, oddly toneless, “how do you know about this?”

“I’ve known the ghost who did this to her”, JD gave back, Holtzmann’s eyes going wide again, “and no, before you ask, she’s not around anymore. She was already somewhat cranky when she arrived here, and haunting your unfinished business has not helped.”

“Um”, Holtzmann let out, apparently, this was a day for endless surprises, from her brother showing up to JD revealing she had known the ghost who had haunted Erin and that she knew exactly what her unfinished business was about, “how did you know that…?”

“Please”, JD gave back, with a little dismissive wave of her hand, “I’ve told you, you’re not the first ghost I’m helping with this and you won’t be the last. I’m good at spotting what unfinished business is about. And I can very well understand your pain and regret - may I tell you about my unfinished business?”

“Um, sure”, Holtzmann replied, figuring that it couldn’t hurt to know; JD give her a smile, then said “float with me”, earning a slight smirk and nod, the two of them then slowly levitating down the platform as JD talked.

“As you can tell from my very outdated looks”, she began, “I’ve lived and died in the Victorian era. Perhaps I was born too early, because I was like you.”

“A mad scientist?” Holtzmann guessed, prompting the ghost to roll her eyes at her, her dry tone when she responded making the engineer chuckle despite the serious topic of their conversation. “No, you doofus. A lesbian. Not that we had that word back then, but I adapt.”

“Oh”, Holtzmann let out as she realized how hard being gay must have been back in those times; JD gave her a small, somewhat sad smile, clearly having picked up on what the blonde was thinking, sounding solemn when she went on.

“As you can imagine”, she told the younger ghost, “that was a very big taboo back then. Nobody knew, not my parents, not my siblings… Just the girl I was seeing, in complete secrecy of course. We were a wealthy family, and so, it didn’t come as a surprise to me when my parents arranged a marriage with the son of another rich family for me. I wasn’t quite willing to do that though, and when they wouldn’t listen to my protest, I took some rather… drastic measures.”

“You killed yourself”, Holtzmann brought out, horrified, “didn’t you.”

“Yes”, JD confirmed somewhat freely, not sounding as if talking about what had happened bothered her much - but then, the engineer thought to herself, she probably had told this story a hundred times already, and had dealt with it perhaps decades before they had met, “and my unfinished business was tied to the girl I was seeing, pretty much like yours. Sadly, she did what I had done shortly after my demise, and apparently, there was no unfinished business connecting her with me, because while she was gone, I ended up stuck here.”

“God, that’s awful”, Holtzmann said, not sure what other sort of comfort she could offer, “I’m… I’m sorry.”

“Ah, I’ve come to terms with it”, JD reassured her, smiling, “and I’ve made it my mission in this afterlife to take care of young ghosts like you. Ghosts who don’t arrive here halfway evil already and have the chance to be saved.”

“Thank you”, Holtzmann mumbled, feeling even worse about her angry outburst earlier now; she vowed to herself that she wouldn’t let her anger get the better of her anymore like this, telling herself that this was no way to repay the kindness JD was showing her.

“Nothing to thank me for”, JD reassured her, patting her shoulder, “it’s what I do. But you do have to try harder to control your anger, I don’t want to watch you go malevolent. Alright?”

“Alright”, the engineer said at once, nodding for emphasis, “I’ll give my best. I just wish it wasn’t so hard, I just want her to… to know I’m here… and not completely gone… She’s so sad JD, she looks as if she hasn’t eaten and slept in days.”

“...there is a way, you know”, JD said after a moment, “I wasn’t sure you’re ready for it yet, but I think it might work. With how strongly you obviously feel for Erin, it should be possible. Listen…”

She put her arm around Holtzmann’s shoulders and started to explain; Holtzmann listened with growing fascination, and by the time JD had gotten done, she was smiling and hopeful, certain that it would work out, and barely able to wait for the right time to try it.

* * *

Erin was beyond exhausted, having not been able to get a decent night’s sleep since Holtzmann died. The problem was, every night’s slumber was wrought by terrible nightmares, preventing the physicist from getting more than an hour or two of rest. 

The nightmares always took place on the roof of Holtzmann’s final bust. The first several nights were a complete rehashing of the events of that evening - Erin professing her love for the engineer, their first and last kisses, finding her broken body. Holtzmann’s eyes searing into her soul moments before she died in her arms.

The last two evenings’ nightmares had escalated in their terror. The night before last, Erin witnessed Holtzmann’s battle with the ghost in her dream - except she watched in horror as the ghost literally tore the engineer apart before her eyes before advancing on her. She woke up moments before the ghost did the same to her.

Last night’s nightmare was the worst of all. This time it was Erin who battled the ghost in order to save her friends. Seeing Holtzmann’s face hovering above her as she was dying, the engineer cradling her, tears streaming down her face broke Erin’s heart in two. She awoke crying, and didn’t stop for almost a half hour.

After the first day at work without Holtzmann, followed by the disturbing visit by Holtz’s brother, Erin barely had the strength to change out of her work clothes before collapsing into bed, not even bothering to eat dinner.  _ Please, just one night without the nightmares  _ she thought groggily before passing out.

The next thing Erin remembered was she was walking through a train station. Or it appeared to be one - she didn’t see any actual trains. But people were rushing by to-and-fro, none of them paying much attention to her as she wandered aimlessly around the large expansive space.

“You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.”

_ That voice… _

Erin turned around slowly only to see Holtzmann standing about 50 feet from her. Beautiful Holtzmann, with her hair coiffed, her yellow glasses perched on her nose, gorgeous blue eyes sparkling behind them. She was dressed in the same outfit she wore the day she died. 

“Holtz…”

Without hesitation Erin ran toward the engineer, cupping her cheeks once she reached her while Holtzmann wrapped her arms around her waist, bringing her body in close to her own.

“Erin. I’ve missed you so, so much.”

Their kiss was much less frantic than right before Holtzmann’s death. It was tender and loving. Erin felt a shiver down her spine when she wrapped her hands in the engineer’s hair which resulted in a low moan escaping from the back of Holtzmann’s throat.

They parted, breathing heavily. Erin closed her eyes as she pressed her forehead to the blonde’s, her lips just a hair’s width from Holtzmann’s.

“I love you so much Holtzy. I’ll never love another as I love you.”

Holtzmann stroked Erin’s cheeks with the back of her hands, a single tear falling down her face.

“Erin. Oh god, I lo-”

A loud noise interrupted Holtzmann, Erin turning around to find the source. After a moment, she recognized the sound.

_ It’s my alarm. _

Erin woke up in tears. Not from terror, but from both happiness and the fact that her time with Holtzmann was so short-lived.

She looked down at her hands. In between her ring and index finger on her right one was one single strand of curly blonde hair.

_ No. It can’t be… _

Somewhere in a dimension far beyond, a blonde engineer screamed until her voice was raw.


	9. Chapter 9

“So?” JD said as she floated up to where Holtzmann was sitting at the edge of the platform, feet dangling over the tracks - she hadn’t seen a train pass by once in the time she had been here, so she figured she was in no danger of getting run over, “did it work?”

“Yes”, Holtzmann told her, looking at her as she sat down next to her with a bit of trouble, her skirt and undergarments not making sitting on the ground exactly easy, “well, sort of. Her alarm rang before I could tell her that I love her and she vanished but I did get to tell her that I miss her and we kissed. Also, I think she managed to rip out some of my hair, is that with her now?”

“Quite possibly”, JD said, fiddling with her skirts again, “it will show her that what she saw this night wasn’t just a dream. And might make it easier for you to… Goddammit I hate these damned skirts. Jesus Christ!”

Holtzmann stared at her at that outburst, and was amused when the ghost’s cheeks darkened, a snort escaping the engineer when she realized that it meant JD was blushing.

“Sorry”, the elder ghost apologized, finally finding a comfortable position, “but these skirts, I swear! And the undergarments! You have no idea how cumbersome they are. I’ve tried to change my outfit to something more fitting to modern times, but it won’t last, it always goes back to the skirts and damned undergarments. I should have killed myself naked or wearing breeches, at least.”

“Okay, I love Erin, and no offense, but if you had killed yourself naked, I’d only hear half of what you’re saying at any given moment”, Holtzmann said with a snicker, earning a roll of JD’s eyes and a swat on the arm.

“ANYway”, JD then said, “I’m glad it worked. You can either try doing that again, or, once you regained some of your strength, contact her when she’s awake. Like I said, it is very likely that the hair made it back to the past world with her, so she might be more willing to believe that it really is you when you contact her, which in turn might make it less taxing for you.”

“She better believe it is me”, Holtzmann sighed, dismayed at the thought of Erin not realizing that it was her, and worried as she imagined Erin seeing her as some evil entity and trying to bust her, “she’s a Ghostbuster, for crying out loud, she of all people should have no trouble believing this.”

“Love can cloud the mind”, JD replied wisely, and for a moment, Holtzmann felt as if she now was stuck in one of the trashy karate movies she had often watched to unwind during college; then, the ghost cleared her throat, and smiled at the engineer, sounding much less solemn when she went on. “So! After the dream thing worked so well, are you ready for something new?”

“I guess so?” Holtzmann replied, not sure what to expect, but figuring that everything JD could show her would help; the elder ghost beamed at her, then came to her feet - with a bit of a struggle again, and some cursing at her skirts, looking envious at how much easier Holtzmann could perform the same task.

“Jealous”, she grumbled, brightening again though moments later, “okay, follow me then. We want some privacy for this, because there are ghosts around to whom I definitely do not want to show that.”

Even more curious now, Holtzmann followed her down the platform, to what looked like a sort of waiting room; it was empty, except for the ghost of an elderly lady with knitting needles, and one look from JD was enough to make the lady leave, the engineer somewhat impressed at the pull the Victorian ghost obviously had in this world.

“Okay”, JD said, rubbing her hands together, “you’ve moved things before, but you were always angry when you did, and you know that this is not the way. So I will teach you how to do so without anger.”

“Alright”, Holtzmann said, excited - if she could move things without risking going malevolent, perhaps she might be able to communicate with Erin somehow, maybe write on her whiteboard or contact her some other way.

“We’ll start small”, JD said, “I’ve gotten us something from the past world for this exercise.” 

She smiled brightly and suddenly, there was a coin in her hand, a closer look revealing it to be a nickle; and as if Holtzmann needed any more proof that JD was a very powerful ghost indeed, she threw the coin up in the air and caught it, with quite the impressive ease.

“You won’t be able to do that right away”, she let Holtzmann know, before the engineer could get her hopes up, bending down to place to coin on the floor, “we’ll start with having you touch it. Try to be calm, empty your mind, focus on the coin, and try to touch it.”

Holtzmann did, and grumbled when her fingers went right through it; JD reassured her though that it was to be expected that it would take her a few tries, warning her not to get frustrated and angry before she asked her to try again, the engineer focusing the hardest she could, trying again and again, telling herself that giving up wasn’t an option and that she had to and could do this for Erin. 

* * *

It had been a long week.

Holtzmann’s funeral had been the past Tuesday, and the three remaining Ghostbusters had decided in an attempt to regain some normalcy in their collective lives they’d go back to work the following day. They were still not accepting any calls for busts, but there was paperwork to do, condolence letters and donations to sift through and work they had been in the midst of before everything went to hell.

The work week had been a mess.

None of them could focus. Random fits of crying were common (with Erin being the most likely culprit). Nerves were frayed. It culminated Friday afternoon, the three of them attempting to repair Patty's proton pack from the damage it sustained during that fateful bust.

“I think you connect the blue wire to the yellow wire…” Abby pushed her glasses up her nose as she carefully separated some of the singed wires on the pack.

“No no, I distinctly remember Holtz said never to attach yellow to blue because it makes green, and green is the color of slime which is bad.” Erin fidgeted, still jarred every time a memory of Holtzmann came back to her, the reality that she was no longer with them still seeming surreal at times.

“Damn, why didn’t Holtzy ever write any of this shit down? None of us know how to fix this!” Patty shook her head in frustration.

Abby placed the wire cutters on the workbench with a loud thunk. “We’ve been at this two hours and not accomplished a damn thing. We gotta get someone in here who can figure this out. Or we’re finished.”

Erin bit her lip and looked at the ground. Holtzmann was irreplaceable. Part of her vowed to walk out the front door if they tried to fill the engineer’s shoes.

Discouraged, the three women parted for the weekend a little early. Erin jumped straight in the shower when she arrived back at her apartment, feeling grimy from working on the proton pack. But she also felt somewhat dirty even thinking about the Ghostbusters without Holtzmann. And even worse, replacing her with someone else.

Erin had found the shower to be one of the few sanctuaries she could escape in since Holtz’s death. As the warm water ran down her back, the physicist closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the cool tiles.

She couldn’t get the images from her dream two nights prior out of her head. She could practically feel Holtzmann’s lips on her own, see her blue eyes look right into her soul. Erin lightly brushed her lips with the pads of her fingertips, wishing she could relive that moment for the rest of her life.

Then there was the question of the hair she had found wrapped between her fingers when she had woken up. Logically there was no possible way she had brought that back with her from her dream. Surely it must have come from Holtzmann when she was alive and it just happened to end up in her bed somehow.

But then Erin remembered Holtzmann had only been to her apartment twice, and neither time had she ever entered her bedroom, much to her chagrin.

_ It’s just not possible. But what if...what if that dream was Holtzy trying to tell me something. But what… _

Erin sighed and shut the water off, grabbing a towel off the rack as she stepped out of the shower. She was drying off her hair when she saw it.

A crude looking ghost with heart eyes, a thought bubble saying “HI” next to it had been drawn in the steam on the large mirror over the sink. Erin felt a moment of panic, scared to death someone was in the apartment with her when she squinted.

_ No…. _

The ghost was nearly identical to the one that had been scribbled on the inside of the coloring book that Holtzmann and Kevin had shared.

The handwriting was unmistakably Holtzmann’s.


	10. Chapter 10

“Holtzmann?” Erin said out loud, feeling a bit like an idiot - here she was, standing in her bathroom, wrapped up in her fluffy bathrobe, and talking to her mirror, “are you… there?”

She wasn’t quite sure what sort of response she expected - the steam had faded from the mirror, and with it, the drawing of the ghost, but she had made a brief search of her apartment before coming back here, relieved to find it empty - but she still felt oddly disappointed when nothing came up in response, running a shaky hand through her hair as she tried to figure out what to do next.

“Holtzmann?” she decided to try again, looking around, “um… If you’re still around, can you… show me? Throw something over or something?”

She stood perfectly still, her heart sinking when nothing happened; letting out a sigh, the physicist decided to give up on it for now, briefly entertaining the thought of getting into the shower again so the mirror would fog up again, then telling herself not to be stupid - she was all too aware of how her mind worked, and already saw herself spending hours in the shower, staring at an empty, foggy mirror.

Telling herself that she couldn’t let this happen, that she couldn’t allow herself to spiral like that, and reminding herself of the fact that the Ghostbusters still existed and needed her, no matter how wrong it felt to keep the team up without Holtzmann, Erin turned and stepped away from the mirror, figuring she might as well force herself to eat something before going off to bed; she had no appetite for anything, but knew she had to eat, if she didn’t want to end up fainting in her apartment or at the firehouse at some point.

As she took another step closer to the door, something clattered into the sink behind her, and she jumped.

In a flash, Erin was back at the sink, her heart skipping a beat when she saw the small tube of lipstick which had fallen from where she kept it above the sink; momentarily, she told herself that it was a coincidence, that it just had fallen for no good reason, perhaps it had been standing too close to the edge… but she knew herself, and she knew that she always made sure to store her stuff so it would be safe from exactly that happening.

_ It was Holtzmann.  _ The thought flashed through her mind before she could stop herself, and she let out a shaky breath as she looked around; she almost expected the engineer to appear out of thin air, blue and translucent, the way ghosts always did, her heart sinking again when nothing happened. 

_ God, Erin, get a grip.  _ Erin ran a shaky hand down her face, telling herself that, even if it truly was Holtzmann, the engineer had no proper way to communicate with her for the moment; for a second, she thought about the possibility that it wasn’t the engineer, but some malevolent other ghost toying with her, but on the other hand, she told herself as she finally left the bathroom, they never had witnessed ghosts acting like that, they always were quite straightforward in their hauntings.

“I have to find a way to communicate with her”, she mumbled to herself, telling herself she was speaking out loud in case Holtzmann was around somewhere and could hear her, and certainly not because she felt forlorn and lonely and wanted to break the silence of her apartment, “okay, Erin, you have a task for tomorrow. Figure out how to communicate with Holtzmann, if it is Holtzmann, find out if it’s really her.”

All at once, Erin felt better about the whole situation, for the first time since Holtzmann had died in her arms; perhaps, she thought to herself, this was strange or even insensitive, because even if this truly was Holtzmann, she still was dead and a ghost - but if it was Holtzmann, and they could figure out a way to communicate, then the engineer wouldn’t be completely gone, and Erin would take any little thing she could get, even if it’d be the ghost of the woman she loved.

* * *

In the next morning, Erin forced herself to have a proper breakfast, reminding herself again that she’d need the energy; while she drank the coffee and ate the toast and scrambled eggs, her phone vibrated, a message from Abby, asking her if she was fine and making her smile somewhat bitterly - it was the first time she’d spend a few days alone since Holtzmann had died, and clearly Abby was aware of the danger of her spiralling into depression when she’d spend two days at her home, without any distractions.

_ Fine, _ she texted back,  _ no worries. Having breakfast right now. _

_ Enjoy! :-),  _ Abby texted back, making her smile weakly again,  _ and call me in case you feel lonely. _

_ If this works out the way I hope it will,  _ Erin thought to herself while she texted back and reassured her she would,  _ I won’t feel lonely at all today. _

She put her phone down and finished her breakfast, eager to get started with the idea she’d had the previous night, just before she had fallen asleep; she knew it was risky, perhaps even dangerous and stupid, but she wasn’t willing to ditch the idea, feeling determined and as if she had a new purpose when she left her apartment and made her way into the building’s cellar, to the small storage unit which had come with her place.

Erin hadn’t been down here in ages, never having needed anything of the stuff she’d stored in there when she’d moved in; she sneezed at all the dust, then started searching through the boxes, knowing that the object she was looking for had to be in here somewhere, certain she hadn’t thrown it away when she had moved into this place.

It took her a while to find it, and by the time she did, the front of her shirt and pants were grey with dust; unperturbed, Erin blew the dust off the large box, a gag gift from Abby from their college days that she had never used. 

Erin closed her eyes, remembering the sole time she had used an Ouija board. She was twelve and had been invited to a sleepover. The invitation surprised her, the invitee, a classmate, a mere acquaintance, the other girls in attendance some of the same ones who mocked her for being Ghost Girl. Shortly after arriving the hostess whipped out an Ouija board, encouraging Erin to play and touch the planchette along with her. After a few basic cursory questions, Erin’s classmate asked the supposed spirits if they had a message for Erin. Without hesitation the planchette moved to spell out GHOST GIRL SMELLS FUNNY, the other girls in the room erupting in laughter. Erin had left in tears, her father berating her the entire car ride home for not only interrupting his Saturday evening television, but for also being incapable of making any friends.

She paused for a moment as she asked herself if she really wanted to do this, if she wanted to take the risks which she knew would come making use of this. Then, she told herself that she had to, for Holtzmann’s sake, if the engineer truly was a ghost and wanted to communicate with her; and so, she put the Ouija board under her arm and made her way back upstairs, her heart already speeding up in her chest as she couldn’t wait to try it and find out if it would work.

* * *

Holtzmann hummed to herself as she sat on a bench in the holding area. She was extremely proud that she was not only able to write a message in the steam of Erin’s bathroom mirror, but she was also able to knock over tube of lipstick. She was fairly certain the physicist knew it was her that was attempting to communicate. Unfortunately those actions sapped her energy, and she faded from the past world before she could confirm it.

The ghost had been as restful as she could be upon her return, wanting to save her strength to attempt to make contact with Erin as soon as possible. She traced the wood patterns in the bench’s seat, before a sound snapped her head up to attention.

“Holtzmann? Are you there?”

_ Erin. _

Holtzmann spun around, looking for any sign of the physicist. She made note that none of the other ghosts seemed to have heard Erin calling out for her. Holtzmann closed her eyes, remembering something JD had said to her the last time they had spoken.

_ Sometimes when you make a connection with a person in the past world, you can hear them speaking to you, even when you are not there. _

“Holtz? Answer me. Please.”

Holtzmann closed her eyes, concentrating on Erin’s voice, visualizing the physicist’s face. When she opened them it took her a moment to recognize that she was in Erin’s apartment again. The older woman was sitting at her kitchen table, an Ouija board in front of her, her hands touching the planchette on top of the board.

“An Ouija board Gilbert? Really?”

The ghost immediately regretted her words once she got a closer look at Erin’s face. It was pained, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Holtzmann was grateful the physicist couldn’t hear her, as she again wished she was able to offer some sort of comfort.

“Holtzy?” Erin’s voice breaking made the ghost shiver. “Please show me if you’re here. I need you.”

Holtzmann floated forward and placed her fingers on the planchette opposite Erin’s. She gritted her teeth, concentrating as she pushed it to spell out a response.

“HI”

Erin’s eyes grew wide. “Holtzmann? Is that really you?”

Holtzmann bit the inside of her cheek as she pushed the planchette to the word YES on the board.

“Ok, ok. Think Erin, think.”

“That shouldn’t be too hard. You’re the most brilliant person I ever met.” The ghost smiled sadly, wishing that Erin could hear her speak.  _ Someday, maybe soon. _

“I need to know this is really you Holtzmann. Tell me -” Erin swallowed. “Tell me the first thing you said to me when we met.”

“Oh Erin…” Holtzmann could feel her insides clenching (if she even had any still) as she remembered that fateful day. The incredulous look Erin had shot her when she had offered a handshake. The way her auburn hair had glimmered under the flourescent lighting at Higgins. That damn tiny bow tie.

Holtzmann took a deep breath before pushing the planchette again, knowing that the action would expend much of her energy.

“COME HERE OFTEN.”

As soon as Holtzmann had moved the planchette to the ‘N’ Erin moved her hands to cover her mouth.

“Oh my god. Holtz. Holtzy. It is you.”

Erin burst into tears.

Again, Holtzmann felt hopeless, watching as the physicist sobbed. She could feel her anger rising at her inability to communicate better. She took several deep breaths, calming herself, knowing getting angry would only make things worse.

_ I could spell out I love her on the board. Then it would be done. My unfinished business. It would be complete. _

Holtzmann hesitated. 

_ But if I do that I might not ever see her again - I’ll disappear, go off to the great beyond or something right? _

The ghost flinched at Erin whimpering out her name ever so softly.

_ I can’t. Not yet. I have to be able to talk to her. I have to see the look on her face when she sees me again. _

Holtzmann moved her translucent hand to brush Erin’s cheek. 

“Soon my love.”

She noticed Erin seemed to shiver at her ghostly touch. She opened her eyes, looking directly into Holtzmann’s.

“Holtz?”

The ghost managed a smile before she disappeared.


	11. Chapter 11

“You’ve been busy, huh?” Holtzmann was somewhat glad that JD only sounded curious and didn’t have the strict tone and look she’d had after the engineer had tripped her brother; she shrugged, then smiled, thinking back to the moment she had more or less communicated with Erin.

“Sorta”, she then said, “with more success than before, too. I wrote on her mirror while she was in the shower.”

“And got an eyeful of her, too, no doubt”, JD dryly replied, skillfully ignoring the incredulous look Holtzmann shot her, “good job with that, though, you’re learning quite fast.”

“It gets even better”, the engineer told her, feeling proud again, “not only did I write on her mirror - and no, you perv, I did not check her out in the shower, I’m not some horny teenager - I then threw over a tube of lipstick, too… And she figured out it was me, got an Ouija board and we talked. A little bit.”

“Well, you’re still here in all your ghostly glory, so I assume you didn’t spell out that you love her with that board?” JD guessed, prompting the engineer to shake her head; to her surprise, the Victorian ghost did give her a strict look now after all, and she wondered what she had done wrong, visibly worried, as the other ghost’s expression softened a bit again.

“I understand it’s not the most romantic way to tell her”, JD had to admit, making Holtzmann nod, “but don’t wait too long. The longer you’re a ghost, the bigger the risk that you go malevolent. And as connected as you’re to Erin, especially with how you communicated with her now…”

“I’d never haunt her!” Holtzmann said, incredulous again, “come on! I love her, I’d never do that to her. I’ll only haunt her in a good way.”

“You might have the best intentions now”, JD told her, Holtzmann crossing her arms over her chest in response, “but if you do turn malevolent, not even loving her will be enough to stop it. I’ve seen it happen before, and it’s never pretty, and worse when it happens with love involved.”

“So what do you suggest”, Holtzmann wanted to know, frowning, “that I tell her as quickly as possible so I fade away to the afterlife or whatever and she has to be alone until she dies?”

“Yes”, JD replied, quite bluntly, “that is how these things usually go. How they  _ should  _ go. Maybe you entertain the thought of being her ghostly friend now until she dies and you can fade away together, but that’s not how these things work.”

“Says who”, Holtzmann shot back, stubborn, earning an exasperated look from the other ghost, “maybe I can make it work. Maybe I can be her ghostly friend until she has to die, too, you’ve been around for a while and are not malevolent!”

“Because I have found a new purpose for myself”, JD told her, infuriatingly calm, “and no,  _ be Erin’s ghostly girlfriend  _ is not a purpose, Holtzmann. How do you think this would work? You hover around her all day, and manage to touch her every now and then? You think that would make her happy? That this would help her move on?”

Holtzmann opened her mouth to respond, then realized that she had no answer to this, and her shoulders slumped; sympathetic, JD reached out to rub her shoulder, the engineer giving her an unhappy look in reply.

“I just wanted to be with her”, she then mumbled, “God, if I had done or said something sooner… I’m so stupid. Now I can either tell her I love her and then fade away, or not tell her and risk going evil on her.”

“I know you’ll make the right choice”, JD told her, rubbing her shoulder again, “I know it’s hard, and painful, but you’ll do what you have to do.”

With a sigh, Holtzmann nodded, knowing deep inside that the other ghost was right; still she felt miserable and asked for some time alone, something JD nodded her approval to before she vanished into thin air, the engineer glumly staring down on her translucent feet as she pondered what JD had told her.

_ That can’t be the only possible results,  _ she thought to herself, frowning,  _ fading away or going malevolent. There has to be  _ something  _ I can do, come on Holtzmann, you’re a brilliant engineer, if anyone can come up with something, it’s you. _

Her frown faded as a vague idea began to form, and a short while later, Holtzmann started to smile to herself - she wasn’t sure the vague idea she had would work out, or if it’d turn out to be no good at all, but it was something, and it might give Erin and her the chance to have the goodbye they deserved.

* * *

Erin rubbed her temples and sighed.

It had been two days since Holtzmann had communicated with her via the Ouija board. Erin had sworn she had felt *something* brush against her cheek after Holtz had moved the planchette to spell out COME HERE OFTEN. And she thought for a brief second she saw Holtzmann’s face looking back at her, her blue eyes full of both love and sorrow.

_ You just imagined that… _

Erin closed her eyes.

_ But you thought you imagined a lot of things lately. And it turned out it was Holtzmann all along. So… _

The physicist shook her head. It had been another long day at work, the Ghostbusters having returned to busting on a limited basis. They had one bust in the morning, a Class 3 which of course had slimed Erin before trapping it. The afternoon was spent once again attempting to repair some of their equipment without much success. Abby had suggested in frustration that they try to contact Dr. Gorin for assistance. Erin had nodded glumly, still saddened when reminded Holtzmann would never again be able to tinker with all her inventions.

Erin had taken to pulling on Holtzmann’s sweatshirt at night, comforted by the fact that she was wearing something that had once touched the engineer’s skin. As she sat on her couch, the physicist paged through a photo album on her tablet. She stopped on a photo Patty had taken of herself and Holtzmann in the lab. Holtz had been explaining something to her, her face a picture of concentration. Erin’s arm was on Holtzmann’s shoulder, glancing at the engineer with a look of admiration.

_ A look of love too. How come neither of us realized it until it was too late… _

Erin lightly traced the contour of Holtzmann’s face with her finger above the tablet.

_ Holtzy… _

“You know you wear that sweatshirt a helluva lot better than I ever did.”

Erin froze, her eyes going wide.

_ No. It couldn’t be… _

“I’m hallucinating this.”

“No you’re not hot stuff. It’s me.”

The physicist squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking out of their corners.

“Are you gonna turn around and look at me Erin? I can’t stay here very long. It’s very...taxing.”

Erin took a deep breath before looking over her shoulder. 

It was Holtzmann. Or rather, her ghost. She was wearing the same outfit she had worn when she spoke to Erin in her dream. Her spirit glowed a light blue, matching her eye color when she was alive. She offered the physicist a slight smile before saluting her with two fingers.

“Hey babe.”

Erin covered her eyes with her hands and wept.

“Oh nononono, don’t do that Erin. Not when I can’t hold you anymore.”

Holtzmann floated to the other side of the couch and “sat” next to Erin. She frowned at the sounds of the physicist crying, the strength of her sobs making her whole body shake. At one point she coughed loudly, startling both herself and the ghost.

“Yeesh, don’t yak on your carpet Erin. Then again I always thought it was ugly…”

Erin laughed through her tears, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. “Oh Holtzy…"

The physicist looked up to see the kind eyes of the engineer staring back at her.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

There was an awkward silence before Holtzmann lifted up her hand to brush against Erin’s cheek. The physicist closed her eyes, feeling a cool sensation as the ghost caressed her face.

“I can’t stay long, I’m not strong enough E. But I wanted to let you know I’m here. I want you to know I’m watching you.”

Erin attempted to touch Holtzmann on the shoulder, frowning when her hand passed right through her. The ghost smiled wistfully.

“I want to touch you too E. Just be patient babe. I have a plan…”

“What kind of plan Holtz?”

“I’m not sure yet. Trust me, ok?”

“Ok…”

There was another short period of quiet before Erin whispered.

“I love you so much Holtzmann. I miss you.”

An odd expression flashed on the ghost’s face before responding. 

“I miss you too Erin. I...um…”

Erin tilted her head in confusion at the way Holtzmann was flustered.

“Holtz?”

“Listen, I’m about to fade away, my strength is waning. Just know that I’ll be here for you. Even if you can’t see or hear me, I’ll be here.”

“Ok Holtzmann. I’ll be waiting.”

The ghost smiled sadly before fading away.

Before she disappeared completely, Erin heard Holtzmann murmur.

“I feel the same for you. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo maschinenmensch and I had the brilliant (lol) idea to do "Ask the Holtzbros" - so, anything you wanna know from her or me or both of us, ask either here in a comment, or on tumblr :D You can find my Holtzbro there at geekmisconduct.tumblr.com and me at dreamshapers-universe.tumblr.com :D


	12. Chapter 12

As Holtzmann came back to existence - sort of - in the train station, JD was waiting for her already, making her wonder if she had been gone for that long; it hadn’t felt long, not at all, she just had exchanged a few sentences with Erin, but then, she realized, she still wasn’t quite sure if time passed the same way at this place and the regular world, or if it was faster or slower at one of them.

“Been busy again, huh”, JD said, raising a ghostly eyebrow, “and you didn’t tell her again?”

“No”, Holtzmann gave back, deciding not to beat around the bush and try to talk her way out of it, “I’m not quite ready. I know what you said, but… I don’t want to go before I know she’s gonna be fine, okay? She still looks so sad whenever I see her, I need to know she’ll do okay once I’m gone and won’t… I don’t know. Do something stupid.”

“I understand that, believe me, I do”, JD told her, reminding her of her own painful past, “but Holtzmann… This isn’t healthy. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to go malevolent, and what if you only make it harder for her to deal? She’ll have to let you go at some point, and you’re not making this easier for her by showing up at her place whenever you’re strong enough to do so.”

“Look, I’m not ready to leave her alone yet, alright?” Holtzmann gave back, getting a bit annoyed now; she told herself that JD was only trying to help, and didn’t mean to do her harm or upset her, but still, she couldn’t help the irritation, giving her best to not let it show on her face, not even when JD gave her an exasperated look.

“And maybe”, the engineer went on, before the Victorian ghost had the chance to say something, “just maybe, I can… do something to properly say goodbye to her. Not just… while I’m floating over her couch.”

“What are you talking about?” JD wanted to know, frowning; and even though she didn’t look as if she would approve the idea, Holtzmann felt herself get excited, an emotion she could not keep out of her voice when she told her.

“I worked at CERN, you know”, she let the Victorian ghost know, “Not for long, there was… an incident, but long enough to get a good look at all the gadgets there. And with what I learned from them, and what we learned about ghosts since we started the Ghostbusters… I might be able to build something, a sort of machine, which might… make me solid, you know? Not forever, I think, but for a while, maybe long enough so I can hold her and kiss her before I tell her and have to go.”

“You’re insane”,  JD replied flatly, earning a look of disbelief from the engineer, “even if this would work - which I doubt, because you’re basically talking about resurrecting yourself - do you have any idea how dangerous and stupid this would be? What could happen if the wrong sort of ghost accesses this kind of power?”

“No one but Erin and me can do this”, Holtzmann shot back, not willing to take the denial of her idea so quickly, “Erin is a brilliant particle physicist, and I like to think I’m pretty good at engineering. If anyone can build this, it’s the two of us, and if that can help me to say a proper goodbye to her, I’ll do it. I’ve listened to you about everything else, but I’m not going to give this idea up without even trying it.”

“Stubborn”, JD said, throwing her hands up and glaring at the engineer, “but fine, I can tell when something’s a lost cause. Don’t come crying to me in case you cause another apocalypse, I did try to warn you, but I can only do so much.”

“Look, I’m grateful for your help, I really am”, Holtzmann began, “but--”

JD interrupted her with an annoyed huff and another glare - and then she vanished, leaving nothing but thin air behind, the engineer blinking at this unexpected exit, then glancing around, almost expecting JD to pop back into existence with a cry of “Just kidding!”.

The Victorian ghost didn’t come back though, and all at once, Holtzmann felt dreadfully alone; her shoulders slumped as she floated to the nearest bench and sat down on it, wondering if and when the other ghost would come back - and when she’d be strong enough to see Erin again, knowing that one look at the physicist’s face would be enough to make her feel better.

* * *

After Holtzmann had appeared to Erin on Monday, she felt oddly better about the whole situation, even though she was all too aware that Holtzmann was still dead and, which might be even worse in the long run, a ghost now, the very being they were being paid to fight; as she sat brooding over the damaged proton pack, not even realizing how time passed, she wondered what made ghosts go malevolent, and if Holtzmann would sooner or later, the very thought making her heart clench up.

So far, they never had encountered a ghost who hadn’t been malevolent, but then, Erin thought to herself, people certainly wouldn’t call them about loved relatives who wanted to hang out and chat; perhaps, she reasoned, there were more benevolent spirits out there than the Ghostbusters were aware of, and Holtzmann now was one of them, and would be with her for a while longer.

She didn’t dare hope that Holtzmann’s ghost would be with her until the day she’d have to go, as well, even though part of her wanted exactly that; she knew that this would be selfish though, if there was some kind of afterlife, which did not involve being a ghost, and if she would end up keeping Holtzmann from finding peace there, just for her own selfish desire.

 _Not her fault you never had the courage to say anything_ , she thought to herself somewhat bitterly as she stared at the mess of wires and screws inside the proton pack, figuring that it made some sort of chaotic sense to someone like the engineer, but it left Abby, Patty and her completely stumped, _so don’t try to condemn her to decades as a ghost just because you can’t let go. You know you have to at some point._

Erin didn’t want to let go, the mere thought of never seeing Holtzmann again, not even as a ghost, making her eyes tear up; she squeezed them shut to fight the tears back, knowing that Abby or Patty or both would notice if she started to cry and would try to cheer her up, and even though Erin wasn’t quite sure why, she didn’t want to reveal Holtzmann’s ghostly state to them, not yet.

That thought probably was as selfish as wanting Holtzmann to be a ghost until she herself would die, but Erin couldn’t help herself, and when Abby called out her name, she flinched guiltily, absurdly sure for a second that the researcher somehow knew exactly what she had been thinking about.

“Patty and I are heading out”, Abby let her instead of accusing her of keeping secrets, “you gonna come too or…?”

“I’ll stay a bit longer”, Erin replied, not really surprising her best friend - getting lost in her work always been a sort of coping mechanism for her, already when they had been in high school together, “maybe I can figure out this proton pack…”

Abby nodded, not bothering to tell her that she should go home, too, knowing it wouldn’t do any good; she reminded her to not stay too late, then left with Patty, Kevin long gone at this point, Erin waiting until she had heard the door close before she focused on the proton pack again.

“Man, Holtzy”, she sighed, even though she had no idea if Holtzmann could actually hear her right now or wasn’t around, “I wish you’d be here to fix this. And dance while you do it.”

“Not sure about the fixing, but the dancing should be possible at some point”, Holtzmann said from behind her, and Erin jumped, even letting out a little cry as her hand flew up to her heart.

“Holtz,” Erin turned to look at the grinning spectre behind her. “Don’t do that - at least give me a warning when you make an appearance.”

“Sorry babe, I don’t have any chains to drag or anything. They weren’t provided at the old ghost depot.”

“How long can you stay here?” Erin blurted out, before she lost her nerve.

“Hmm, I dunno. Maybe 15 minutes? A half hour? Depends how good I’ve gotten with my training in the afterlife.”

“No, I mean,” Erin fiddled with one of the loose wires on the proton pack in an attempt to channel her anxiety. “How long will you be able to appear to me in general? There’s no way you can do it for the rest of my life, can you?”

Holtzmann’s grin turned into a frown. “Well, I’m not supposed to. I guess I could try, but things would probably turn out...badly.”

Erin looked up at the ghost with watery eyes. “You’d turn evil wouldn’t you? I’d - we’d have to bust you, right?”

Holtz put her hands in her pockets and stared at the ground. “Maybe. I dunno. That’s what typically happens, yes. But I care too much about you Erin, I couldn’t…”

“Dammit Holtzmann!” Erin slammed her fist on the workbench, scattering random parts across the table’s surface and causing Holtzmann to flinch. “How could you do this?!”

The ghost looked confused. “Do what? Visit you? Want to see more of you? I thought you’d…”

“No Holtzmann!” Erin’s face was now flushed with anger, her eyes flashing red hot. “What gave you the right?! To leave us like that? TO LEAVE ME?”

Holtzmann opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.

“I should hate you.”

The ghost floated over to where Erin had the edge of the workbench in a death grip, her jaw clenched so tight Holtzmann worried she’d chip her teeth.

“Erin. You don’t mean that? Do you?” Holtz’s voice was shaky, barely above a whisper. When the physicist didn’t respond, she put her hand next to hers on the workbench, causing Erin to feel a brief sense of coldness pass through her.

“I did it to save the only family I ever had. I couldn't bear the thought of a world without you in it. I had to or we all would have died. Please understand that.”

Erin turned to look at the ghost, hot tears now streaming down her cheeks. “I would have preferred that to having you die in MY ARMS.”

“Erin, babe. No.” Holtzmann brought her hand up to Erin’s cheek, wishing so much she could caress it for one moment to offer some semblance of comfort. The physicist offered a slight smile before looking down at the proton pack beside her.

"I miss you, I want you back."

“I know baby. I know.”

Holtzmann bit her lip and pondered.

“If you keep saying such sad things I'll ecto-project all over you."

Erin looked up sharply. “No. You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh, wouldn’t I?” Holtzmann made an over-exaggerated snorting sound, causing the physicist to back away, covering her face. “Be happier or I’ll do eeeeeeet.” The ghost floated toward her, wiggling her fingers.

“Holtzmann, no!”

The blonde opened her mouth wide while making a gagging sound.

“HOLTZMANN!”

The ghost cackled, making a slight urpy noise before closing her mouth. “Oops, false alarm, that was just a burp.”

Erin crossed her arms over her chest. “Ghosts don’t burp Holtzmann.”

“How do you know? Breathing all this pollution gives my ghostly lungs heartburn.”

The physicist rolled her eyes. “Ghosts don’t breathe either Holtz.”

“Uh-huh.” Holtzmann dived to the floor, blowing out a puff of air that caused Erin’s tweed skirt to partially lift up.

“AUGH! HOLTZ!” Erin pushed her skirt back down, but not before turning bright red.

“Ohohoho, I must remember to do that more often. By the way, nice undies Dr. Gilbert. That shade of purple looks good on you.” The ghost winked.

“You’re terrible.” Erin shook her head, biting her lip in a futile attempt to prevent a smile from spreading across her face.

“Ah-ha! I made ya smile though. See? I knew you still could.” Holtzmann hovered next to the physicist, grinning madly.

“How is it possible you are even more incorrigible as a ghost than you were in life?”

Holtzmann shrugged. “Meh. It’s a gift?”

Erin snorted.

“Um. I think my time is about up. I’ll see you soon?”

Erin looked into bright blue eyes that glowed in the partial darkness of the lab.

“Be careful Holtzmann. Don’t tax yourself. I don’t want to have to stuff you in the containment center.”

“No worries hot stuff. I have plans.” Holtzmann leaned over and gave the physicist a mock peck on the cheek. “Until next time - same bat place, same bat channel.”

“I love you,” Erin whispered as Holtzmann faded away.

The physicist rubbed her cheek. If she didn’t know any better, she would have sworn she had felt Holtz’s lips when she kissed her, just for the briefest of moments.


	13. Chapter 13

Erin was exhausted.

They were in the midst of their third bust of the day and it was barely 2:30. It seemed like business had picked up in the last couple of weeks. Erin wondered if Holtzmann manifesting herself after her death had had something to do with it.  _ But why would it? Unless there’s something upsetting things in the ghost afterlife. Oh jeez, I hope she hasn’t done anything to… _

“Erin, duck!”

Abby’s cry roused herself from her musings, barely having enough time to hit the deck before the class three and went screaming over her head. The half dozen ghosts in this abandoned warehouse were all rather small, but they were quick and very, very angry.

_ I gotta get it together… _

Erin forced all thoughts of Holtzmann and the things the engineer might be doing in the afterlife out of her mind, telling herself she couldn’t afford another distraction; she blasted one of the apparitions to bits with her proton shotgun, and even though she just had told herself she couldn’t let herself get distracted, the blast made her think of Holtzmann again, of how surprised and impressed she had been at the powerful weapon the blonde had built for her.

_ Jesus, Gilbert. Stop it. _

One of the ghosts flew at her, screeching; she ducked in the last second, and it flew up in an arch and vanished through the ceiling, Erin gritting her teeth as she watched it go, knowing it’d be foolish to chase after it alone.

_ Dang it, this was easier when there were four of us. _

When Holtzmann still had been with them, they would split up in teams of two, and would have taken care of the ghosts that way; with three Ghostbusters though, this was too dangerous, Erin perfectly aware that going after a ghost alone would be downright stupid and perhaps even suicidal.

“We’ll have to chase that one down”, she called out to Abby and Patty, earning brief nods from her friends - and just then, the spectre came rushing back down, with shocking speed, and slammed into her, a hoarse cry escaping her as it hit her with stunning force and threw her backwards, into the next room, the door slamming shut as she hit the ground, cutting her off from her team.

Trying to catch her breath, Erin struggled to get back to her feet; before she could do more than get up on her knees though, the ghost rushed her again and threw her further backwards, until she slammed into the wall, stars exploding in front of her eyes when the back of her head connected with the hard stone.

“Erin!” she heard Abby and Patty yell in the other room, the door trembling in the frame as they tried to get it open, not giving way though, “Erin, are you okay?!”

She tried to call out for help, but before she could do more than suck in a heavy gasp, the ghost went after her again, its grip surprisingly firm when its hands closed around her throat; helplessly, Erin swatted at it as it choked her, having lost the proton shotgun at some earlier point when the apparition had tossed her around, panic rising within her when the lack of air made the world grey around the edges.

_ No, please no, I don’t want to… to die… _

“Get the Hell away from her!” Holtzmann’s voice was so unexpected that, for a moment, Erin thought she was hallucinating, that her brain was making something up for her last seconds on earth to comfort her… and then, the hands vanished from her throat, and she sucked in a deep, painful gasp of a breath, squeezing her eyes shut to keep herself from fainting.

When she opened them again, Holtzmann was wrestling with the ghost, keeping it away from her; she allowed herself another two seconds to gasp air into her burning lungs, then scrambled for her proton shotgun, still hearing Abby and Patty attack the door as she grabbed the weapon.

She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to call out to the engineer, her throat feeling as if she had gulped down burning gasoline; as it turned out though, she didn’t need to, Holtzmann taking note of what she was doing and, with a burst of strength, pushed the enraged ghost away from herself, giving Erin a clean line of fire.

Not wasting a second, Erin pulled the trigger, glad that at least, her aim was still good; the blast hit the ghost square in the center, it disintegrated, and by the time Abby and Patty burst through the now no longer resisting door, Holtzmann was gone without a trace, only the physicist and the sad remains of the ghost she had taken down left in the room.

* * *

Holtzmann gasped, trying to catch her breath. She was on all fours, now having returned to the train station after her brief tussle with her fellow ghost. She didn’t know what had her heart racing more - the energy she spent protecting Erin from the other spectre, or the fact that had she appeared in the past world even a couple minutes later, there would have been a good possibility she would’ve come too late to save the physicist.

And that most likely would’ve meant being stuck as a ghost for eternity.

“It’s her!”

Holtzmann lifted her head up to see several ghosts rapidly approaching her. One was the ghost she had just protected Erin from, the victim of her proton shotgun. The others were the group of angry ghosts that had approached her the very first day she had arrived here.

“I don’t want any trouble,” Holtzmann dragged herself upright, holding her hands out in front of her in a sign of peace. The gesture didn’t work as the group floated toward at full speed.

One of the more humanoid of the spectres pulled out a knife and thrust it into Holtz’s stomach. While nothing these ghosts could do could damage her any further (after all, she was already dead), Holtzmann felt a searing hot pain across her abdomen.

She screamed.

Holtzmann fell back on her knees as the other ghosts swarmed her, hitting and kicking. She tried to shield herself as best she could from the onslaught, but she felt as if a huge weight was pressing against her very spirit. She could barely breathe.

_ This might be worse than dying. Because they can keep going. They can torture me for hours on end. Until I snap and go after them, go after them and obliterate their very existence. Make them feel what I feel, until they beg for me to… _

“Stop it!” 

Through the pounding in her head, Holtzmann heard JD yell at the group that was attacking her. She felt them pull away, but not before one of them placed a well-aimed kick in her ribs. The former engineer collapsed in the fetal position on the ground, cradling her form in an attempt to try to alleviate that pain that ran through every cell in her corporeal body.

“If I catch you hurting her again, you’ll pay for it! Trust me, you will!” 

Holtzmann looked up through blurry eyes to see JD hovering above her. The Victorian ghost gave her a wan smile before offering her hand and helping her to her feet.

“Made some more enemies I see?”

“Not intentionally.” Holtzmann gripped her still sore abdomen while running her other hand through her messy curls. “I saved Erin from one of them during a bust and apparently it didn’t appreciate my efforts.”

“Holtzmann.” JD shot the blonde one of her patented stern looks. “You need to stop interfering so much in Erin’s life. It’s only going to end in heartbreak. For both of you.”

“I don’t care!” Holtzmann’s voice was shrill, causing several ghosts floating by to turn in her direction. “Nothing is going to keep us apart! You hear me? Not you. Not some ghostly assholes. No one!”

She turned her back on JD, stewing. After a moment, her eyes flashed red, a maniacal smile spreading across her face.

“I’m going to get those ghosts that came after me. They’re going to suffer like I did. And when they beg for me to stop, I’ll laugh. I’ll laugh so hard. And then I’m going to go back up there and annihilate anything that even attempts to hurt Erin. We belong together. Forever. I’m hers and she’s mine.”

“Holtzmann!” JD grabbed the ghost and spun her around to face her. “Look at yourself!” JD whipped a pocket mirror out of one of the creases in her petticoats and held it up so Holtz could see her reflection.

Holtzmann gasped. Her facial features were so distorted she looked almost as evil as some of the ghosts she had busted. 

“But, what? How?”

JD rubbed Holtz’s shoulder reassuringly. “See? This is what happens if you stay too long. You become malevolent without even realizing it. Before you know it, you’ll be looking into Erin’s eyes right before you’re vaporized.”

The former engineer rubbed her face. “What am I going to do?”

“Well nothing for the foreseeable future. Battling that ghost and your subsequent tussle afterward will see to that. It’ll be some time before you have enough strength so Erin will be able to both see and hear you.”

“Oh damn,” Holtzmann sighed. “I’m such an idiot.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. But I implore you.” JD looked at Holtzmann with a sense of urgency. “When you’re able, tell Erin you love her. I fear what will happen to her if you wait much longer.”

Holtzmann gave the ghost a sad smile.

_ It’s now or never Holtzmann. Put the plan in motion. Before it’s too late. For both of us. _


	14. Chapter 14

With a frustrated groan, Erin let the screwdriver drop down onto the workbench and buried her face in her hands.

They had been trying for the past two days to repair the damage to the pack, to no avail, and by now, she feared they were actually making it worse; and as if that wasn’t upsetting enough, Holtzmann hadn’t shown herself to her ever since she had rescued her from the ghost, and Erin had begun to worry.

_ What if she got hurt when she defended me against that ghost? Or what if something else happened to her? _

Erin didn’t know much about what Holtzmann’s afterlife was like, they hadn’t used the precious time they’d had together so far to speak of this; now, she regretted this, as she had no idea where Holtzmann went or what she did when she wasn’t with her… and she had no idea if perhaps, some sort of danger might await Holtzmann there, consequences for going up against another ghost to rescue her.

“This is pointless”, Abby’s voice distracted her from these ponderings, and made her look up and at her, “we have to face the music, we can’t fix this. We need help.”

The thought of practically replacing Holtzmann made Erin’s heart clench up, but she knew that, in the long run, they had no choice - even if Holtzmann had left detailed notes on her work, which she hadn’t, none of them was a nuclear engineer, and even with a step-by-step instruction manual, she was all too aware that something might go poof sooner or later. 

“We should call Gorin”, she thus said, even though she felt as if she was betraying Holtzmann the moment the words left her mouth, “maybe she can help…”

Abby nodded at that, looking a bit surprised and relieved, making Erin wonder if she had expected her to argue and to insist that they could do this without any help; taking in a deep breath, trying to push thoughts of betrayal out of her mind, Erin thought back to the talk she’d had with Gorin after Holtzmann’s funeral, surprising her best friend yet again with what she said next.

“I’ll call her”, she stated, managing a weak smile at the look Abby shot her, “we… had a kind of moment after… the funeral. I don’t want to say we bonded, I’m not sure anyone who isn’t Holtz ever bonded with her but…”

“You go ahead and call her, then”, Abby said, taking a step closer and placing one hand on the physicist’s arm, “and I know this is hard for you, Erin, it is for us too but… we need help. We can’t fix this on our own.”

“I know”, Erin had to admit, taking another slow, controlled breath, “but… it just hurts. The thought of replacing her…”

Abby nodded, and gave her arm a brief, but gentle squeeze; Erin managed another weak smile, then moved to get her phone, glad that the woman had given her a card after Holtzmann’s funeral.

“Gorin”, the elder woman took the call after the first ring, sounding much colder and drier than she had when Erin had called her from Holtzmann’s phone; she told herself that it was nothing personal, but still had to clear her throat before she could answer.

“Um, it’s Dr Erin Gilbert”, she introduced herself, not quite sure that Dr Gorin would have recognized her voice, “I, um, I’m calling on behalf of the Ghostbusters… we… kind of need help.”

“Don’t be so nervous, Dr Gilbert”, Dr Gorin replied, and Erin was surprised to hear a hint of amusement in her tone, “I don’t bite. What can I help you with?”

“One of the proton packs got damaged”, Erin explained, glad that the elder woman seemed willing to help, “and we can’t fix it, Holtzmann didn’t… leave any notes and none of us are skilled enough in her field to do this…”

“Of course”, Gorin gave back, sounding a bit exasperated now, “Jillian was never big on taking notes and she certainly didn’t expect her… own untimely demise. Of course I will help you, I’ll send someone over who’s more than capable.”

“Thank you”, Erin replied, not quite sure what to think of this - she had been hoping that perhaps, Gorin herself would show up, fix whatever was wrong with the pack and leave again, but  _ sending someone over  _ didn’t quite sound like that, and all at once, the sense of betrayal was back, and she found herself wondering if perhaps, she hadn’t just made an incorrigible mistake.

* * *

Erin was attempting to read an article in a journal when it happened. The front door opening. The sound of shoes clacking against the floor. A decidedly feminine voice talking to Kevin. 

“Hey Boss,” Kevin spoke to Abby at the desk next to her moments later. “There’s a Sharon Stewart here? She said a Doctor Gross sent her?” 

“That’s Gorin. Thanks Kev.”

Erin looked up. 

The woman standing in front of Kevin’s reception desk couldn’t be older than 30, at best. She had long curly brown hair, tied back in a loose ponytail. She wore fashionable glasses, a dark sweater with corduroy pants and a pair of sensible black shoes. 

She thrust her hand out when Abby approached. “Hi, you must be Dr. Abby Yates. I’m Sharon Stewart, Dr. Gorin sent me to help you with some repairs.”

“Ah yes, welcome! Let me introduce you to my colleagues. Patty Tolan…”

Patty walked forward and shook the young woman’s hand with a smile and a “nice to meet ya.”

“...and Dr. Erin Gilbert.”

“Dr. Gilbert, it’s an honor to meet you. I’ve read so much of your work.”

Erin tried not to hate the eager young woman. She was just trying to help. 

_ But she’s the antithesis of Holtzmann… _

She offered a tight smile as she stood up to shake the woman’s hand. “Please, just call me Erin, Ms. Stewart.” 

"Sure, Erin. But please call me Sharon.” 

Her smile was bright, but Erin could help but think if she were Holtz that phrase would’ve been followed up by a wink and some other innuendo.

_ She’s not Holtz, she’s not Holtz… _

“Yes, well…” Abby stepped forward, perhaps sensing that Erin was beginning to get upset. “Let me show you up to the lab and the equipment we need help with.”

Sharon adjusted the backpack she had slung over her shoulder. “I can’t wait! Just being able to see, much less work in Dr. Holtzmann’s lab is an honor!”

Erin closed her eyes as the two women ascended the staircase. 

“You ok baby?”

Patty had walked up beside the physicist and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“Look, I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for us all, ok? But we need this equipment fixed or it’s the end of the Ghostbusters. Do you think Holtzy would have wanted that?”

“No…” Erin looked down at the ground. She felt terrible for being so selfish, so petty.

“Then come upstairs with me Erin. Give the kid a chance. Ok?”

Erin expelled a deep breath and shook her head in the affirmative. She walked up the stairs to the lab, following closely behind Patty. When she reached the top she saw Sharon with her sleeves rolled up, poking at the proton pack on Holtz’s workbench with a screwdriver, a look of concentration on her face.

“Ah, I see what the problem is. This shouldn’t take too long to fix - just needs some re-wiring and a little soldering. Why don’t you all go back downstairs and I’ll join you when I’m done here.”

“You sure you don’t need any help…” Abby asked with a slight look of concern.

“I’ll let you know if I do.” Sharon smiled warmly before putting her backpack on the workbench, pulling out several tools. 

Abby shrugged and turned back toward the stairs. “Well she seems like she knows what she’s doing,” she said quietly as the trio descended back to the first floor.

“We’ll know soon enough if we hear a medium poof, won’t we?” Patty chuckled before seeing the expression on Erin’s face at her using one of Holtzmann’s favorite phrases. “Sorry Erin…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Erin tried to dismiss Patty’s choice of words with a wave of her hand. “I um, need to use the washroom. I’ll be right back.”

Erin quickly moved to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her. The physicist turned the sink on, splashing cold water on her face. Erin attempted to will herself not to break down, or worse, have a full-blown panic attack. 

_ It’ll be ok. She’s just making repairs and she’ll be on her way. You’re not betraying Holtzy… _

The physicist gripped the edge of sink, closing her eyes and took several deep breaths. When felt almost put together she walked over to flush the toilet, hoping her colleagues wouldn’t pay her time behind a locked door much attention.

Erin walked out of the room and headed back to her desk, trying not to notice the looks of concern on both Abby and Patty’s faces. She had barely read two pages of her journal when she heard footsteps on the stairs.

“All fixed,” Sharon said while wiping her hands off with a paper towel. “That proton pack should be as good as new. I also checked the containment units and adjusted one - it was running a little hot.”

“Wow, thank you. That’s very impressive,” Abby beamed. “How much do you owe you for your services?”

The younger woman grinned. “Nah, this was a personal favor for Dr. Gorin. Don’t worry, it was my pleasure.”

“Well, if we can repay you in any way, let us know. We’re really indebted to you - that pack was being a bitch.” Patty stood up to give Sharon a friendly slap on the shoulder.

“Honestly, it's no big deal.” The young woman rummaged around in her backpack. “I’m in-between jobs right now, so if you need my assistance again feel free to call, anytime.” Sharon handed Abby a post-it note with her number on it. “It was a blast and a privilege. I wish it could have been under better circumstances though.” The younger woman caught Erin’s eyes after her last statement, making the physicist uncomfortable.

“Bye! Take care!” Abby waved at Sharon as she left the firehouse. When the door shut, Abby spun around with a knowing glint in her eye. “In-between jobs huh?”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking Abby?” Patty gave the other woman a smirk.

“No,” Erin said flatly from her desk, the other two women turning to look at her.

“You don’t even know what we’re talking about baby.”

“No, I damn well know.” Erin stood, her anger rising. “You want to replace Holtzmann with that - that kid!”

“No could ever replace Holtz, you know that.” Abby held up her hands in an attempt to calm the physicist down. “But face the facts Erin - we need someone on the team who can repair and improve the equipment.”

“And another pair of hands on a bust.” Patty frowned. “Erin, you said yourself if we were able to break up in pairs that ghost wouldn’t have been able to practically choke the life out of you last week.”

Erin’s fists curled up into tight balls alongside her tweed skirt. “Well, it looks like the decision’s already been made.”

“I hate to say this Erin, but two outvote one. You know we’re a democracy here.” Abby stepped toward the physicist to put a hand on her shoulder, but Erin was quicker, spinning on her heels and running to the bathroom again, slamming the door behind her.

“Jesus. I think our girl might need to seek some help soon.” Patty shook her head, sinking back into her office chair.

Abby just sighed.

“Hey, why didn’t I get a vote?” Kevin called from the kitchen.

“Because the last time we included you in the democratic process you voted for anchovies on our damn pizza!” Patty bellowed.  
  
“Hmph.”


	15. Chapter 15

The firehouse was mostly dark as Erin sat blankly at her desk, twirling a pencil absentmindedly between the fingers of her left hand. 

_ This day...too much. _

Erin had come into work this morning as Abby was offering a position to Sharon over the phone. The look on her friend’s face said it all.

“Great! Monday morning it is then. See you then!”

Abby, gleefully ended the call with a flourish, grinning until she saw Erin, standing stone-faced barely inside the entrance.

“Erin -”

“No.” The physicist held one of her hands up for emphasis. “What’s done is done. I don’t want to talk about it. Ok?”

Abby shook her head before Erin walked by her briskly, slamming her briefcase perhaps a little too forcefully on her desk. She strode to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, tapping her fingers on the counter as the pot brewed. Once she returned to her desk and sat down, she remained there, engrossed in reading and doing some research on her laptop until Patty approached her a couple of hours later.

“Hey Erin? You wanna come upstairs and help us?”

“Help with what?” The physicist didn’t look up from her computer screen, knowing that avoiding the gaze of her friends at this point would prevent her from losing her focus.

“Well…”

Patty’s hesitation gave Erin pause. She finally looked up into the historian’s eyes. And then she  _ knew _ .

“Patty - you can’t…”

“Baby we have to! The new girl starts on Monday. It would be unfair for her to go through Holtzy’s things. She deserves her own space.”

Erin couldn’t respond, the lump in her throat making it difficult to swallow. They had respected her wishes up to this point that they leave the lab as Holtzmann had left it. But now that, like the engineer, would too be gone forever.

Sensing her distress, Patty laid a comforting hand on Erin’s shoulder. “We’re gonna take good care of her stuff, okay honey? We’ll box it up nicely - you can go through it later. We won’t throw any of it away.”

The physicist managed to shake her head weakly in the affirmative, Patty giving her shoulder one last squeeze before heading upstairs. Erin didn’t move in her chair for what felt like hours, listening to the sound of items being moved, boxes being taped shut and Patty and Abby talking quietly amongst themselves. When she finally looked at the clock on her laptop it was after 3pm. The physicist dragged herself to the kitchen, making herself a quick sandwich to quell the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. When she returned to her desk, Abby was standing there apprehensively.

“Erin - we’re uh, done upstairs.”

The physicist shook her head sadly, sinking back down in her chair. 

“Since it’s Friday, Patty and I are going to cut out a little early, grab some food and a drink or two. Wanna join us?”

Erin blinked. “I just ate something. I’ll pass. I need to finish something up anyway.”

“Erin! You need to get out baby. Please!” Patty called from near the entrance, shrugging her coat on.

The physicist could only look down at her feet, biting her lip to prevent the screaming she so badly wanted to emit.

“Ok. Call me if you need something this weekend Erin. Please don’t stay here too late tonight. Promise me.”

“I promise,” Erin mumbled, still looking at the ground.

Abby leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to the top of the physicist’s head before walking out the door for the night with Patty.

That had been several hours ago. And Erin still sat in her chair. Waiting.

For Holtzmann.

_ Maybe she’s pissed she’s being replaced. She’ll never want to speak to me again… _

Deep down Erin knew that wasn’t true. She was sure Holtzmann would ask her why they hadn't considered it sooner, that the job was more important than maintaining a space in her memory.

_ If she even comes back… _

It had been a week and a half since Holtzmann had attacked the other ghost in order to save her. And she had not received any sign that the former engineer had attempted to contact her. 

_ Maybe she expended all her energy protecting me - perhaps that was her final act before moving on...to wherever. So many people don’t get the opportunity to speak to their loved ones after they pass. I was lucky to have that chance. _

Erin swiped at the tears that were now forming in the corners of her eyes.

_ I’m selfish. I want to see her again. Just one more time… _

A tapping sound got the physicist’s attention.

Erin turned to look at her laptop which had been awakened from sleep mode. An empty Word document was open on the screen. The physicist frowned. She hadn’t had Word open all day. Which could only mean…

“Holtzmann?”

Her voice echoed eerily throughout the empty building. She was about to chalk up this occurrence to her simply being so frazzled that she had forgotten what she had left open on her computer when she heard two distinct taps. She squinted and looked back at the screen.

_ :) _

“Dammit Holtz, if that’s you type a word, not an emoji!”

The letters appeared slowly in the document, as if the mere act of typing expended a large amount of energy.

_ words are for dudes. hi hot stuff. _

“Holtzmann! Where have you been?”

_ not impt now. tell u later. need u to do something. _

“Anything Holtz…”

_ ;) _

“Holtz!”

_ haha. ok. go look in the boxes of my books in the lab. find the bible. _

Erin coughed. “You had a Bible Holtzmann? I thought you were…” The physicist stopped speaking when words began to appear again.

_ just find it - there’s a notebook inside. need u to take it with u and put in safe place. will need it soon. _

Erin furrowed her brow. “But why? What’s in it Holtzy, why do you need it?”

_ later E. go. will tell u more soon. almost out of… _

“Holtzmann…”

_ <3 _

Erin waited for several minutes, willing more words to appear. When the cursor continued to blink after the heart emoticon, she sighed and rose from her chair. The physicist gripped the railing of the stairs as she ascended, her heart pounding in her ears. When she reached the top she paused for a moment, shocked by how empty and decluttered the lab looked. How un-Holtzmann it all seemed.

_ Stop it Gilbert. Focus. _

The physicist took a deep breath and walked toward a stack of boxes, lifting several off the top until she could reach the one that had “BOOKS” scrawled on the side in Abby’s handwriting. She forced the top open and rummaged around until she found a large leather-bound copy of the Bible. Upon flipping open the cover, she discovered that the inside was hollowed out, a tattered and oversized notebook nestled inside.

_ Only Holtz would hide something in the one of the holiest books in humanity. _

Erin carefully pulled out the notebook, placing it on the ground next to her before she closed the box and stacked them all as before. She grabbed the notebook and paged through it. It was full of equations, longhand and sketches in Holtzmann’s handwriting nearly cover-to-cover, most of which Erin couldn’t decipher at first glance.

_ Whatever is in here must be important. Fascinating... _

A cold chill passed through Erin, whether from the excitement of her discovery or something more sinister she couldn’t tell. The physicist had no desire to find out.

_ Time to call a cab and head home. There’s a box of wine in my fridge and a frozen pizza calling my name as I try to figure out what to make of this. _

For the first time in what felt like forever, Erin felt a sense of hope.

* * *

“Using a computer is creative, I have to give you that”, JD told Holtzmann as the engineer returned to the train station, startling her enough to make her squeak, “you know we didn’t have those when I was alive. Fascinating technology, really.”

“And one can do so much with them”, Holtzmann gave back, “if used right, that is.”

“I imagine you know how to use them right”, JD dryly said, earning a smirk from the other ghost, “but apparently, you didn’t use it to tell Erin you love her.”

“Well, I did send her a heart emoji”, Holtzmann said, earning a confused look and quickly explaining what an emoji was before she went on, “but apparently, that wasn’t enough. I told her where the notebook is though, and I presume she’s found it by now.”

“You really want to go through with this crazy plan?” JD demanded to know, raising a ghostly eyebrow, but at least, Holtzmann figured, she didn’t blow up at her again this time, “and I assume I can’t talk you out of it?”

“Nope”, Holtzmann said, popping the P, “and it’s gonna work out just fine, I know it will. It has to, it’s the only chance Erin and I will have to…”

“No one else ever gets a chance like this”, JD pointed out, sighing at how unimpressed Holtzmann looked at this logic, “and, again, think of what might happen if this… device ends up in the wrong hands.”

“It won’t”, Holtzmann softly replied, “we’ll just… do what we never had the chance to do, and then I’ll tell Erin to destroy it. That is assuming it works in the first place and doesn’t blow up all on its own when we use it. I just want one chance to…”

“I won’t try talking you out of this”, JD sighed, giving her a sympathetic look, “you certainly know how dangerous this is, you’re not stupid, far from it. So, fine. Go ahead and try to build that machine with Erin. But if it works…”

“If it does”, Holtzmann said, “and brings me back to life at least for a bit, I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her while I hold her one last time and then I’ll be gone and she’ll be able to move on, too, hopefully.”

JD just sighed, but nodded, and the engineer managed a smile, then told her she’d go and practice her ghost skills some more, well aware of how much energy it would cost her to do what she wanted to do with Erin and the contents of her notebook.


	16. Chapter 16

Erin had been up all night, going through the contents of Holtzmann’s notebook with growing amazement; some of the equations and numbers still didn’t make sense to her - that the notebook was as chaotic as Holtzmann had been in life didn’t help with that - but she had a vague idea of what the engineer had been aiming for when she had made her notes and calculations, and thinking of it made her heart beat faster.

_ If what Holtz has in this book is right and if we can pull this off… _

She didn’t want to get her hopes up, not too much - what Holtzmann had written down, what could be done with the information the engineer had collected, would pretty much go against nature itself, and perhaps, that alone should be reason enough to not try anything with these numbers and ideas.

Then, on the other hand, Erin thought to herself, the very idea of ghosts wasn’t exactly natural, and perhaps, if this would give Holtzmann and her a chance to at least have one more day together, or just one more hour… She’d give anything for just another hour with the engineer, and if she had to take a risk by making the things Holtzmann had theorized about in the notebook a reality, then she would.

Finally, at almost three a.m., Erin went to bed at last, exhausted after the emotions she had gone through that day and from deciphering Holtzmann’s notebook; for the first time since Holtzmann had died in her arms, she fell asleep quickly, and slumbered through the night peacefully, no nightmares scaring her awake.

And she felt refreshed when she woke on the next day, better than she had in a long while; she even hummed to herself a bit as she showered, only stopping when she stood at the bathroom sink to brush her teeth, not wanting to get foam everywhere.

She bent over the sink to spit out said foam, and when she straightened up again, she saw Holtzmann hovering behind her through the bathroom mirror and let out a shriek as she spun around, her hand coming up to clutch at her chest.

“Oh my God!” Erin cried out once she had managed to catch her breath, while Holtzmann let out  a cackle, “Holtzmann! Holy crud, you almost gave me a heart attack!”

“I’m sorry”, the engineer said, floating a bit closer to her, her grin showing that she perhaps wasn’t as sorry as she claimed, “but that always looks so fun in the horror movies and I wanted to try it.”

“You’re a jerk”, Erin accused, then smiled, “but I’m happy to see you again.”

“I’m happy too, hot stuff”, Holtzmann reassured her, “did you…?”

“Find the notebook?” Erin finished for her, her smile widening, “yes, I did. And I took a look at it and… wow, Holtz, if we can do this…”

“Then we can be together, at least for a bit”, the engineer said, giddy, “and I’m quite sure that we can do this, if we work together. I’ll give my best to help but…”

“I hope I won’t mess up”, Erin mumbled, looking down at her hands before her gaze came up to meet Holtzmann’s again, “I’ve never been good with practical stuff, you know.”

“I, um, might have an idea for that”, Holtzmann gave back, scratching the back of her head sheepishly, “but… it’s quite… invasive. I could possess you.”

“Yes”, Erin agreed without a second of hesitation, earning a surprised look from the ghost - so far, all experiences they’d had with possession had been negative, and she’d been somewhat sure that Erin would ask her if she had gone insane.

“I know you wouldn’t hurt me”, Erin added at the look of surprise on Holtzmann’s face, “and I trust you. But, um, maybe we should do a kind of… test run? Before we work on things which might go poof?”

“Good idea”, Holtzmann had to agree, figuring that this made sense, “you want to do this now?”

“Sure, why not”, Erin nodded, “it’s not like I have any plans. Um… Will this hurt?”

“I don’t know”, the engineer had to admit, earning a nervous look from the physicist, “I’ll try to… not make it hurt? If I can? Ready?”

Bravely, Erin nodded, taking in a deep breath; Holtzmann gave her a reassuring look - and then moved towards her with surprising speed, the redhead flinching when the engineer entered her body.

It felt cold at first, then hot, the world spinning around her; she felt something sticky drip from her nose and ears and realized that it was ectoplasm, but at least, she didn’t throw it up like Abby had, she thought to herself, and she still seemed to have control over her body.

But then, Erin realized, she wasn’t fighting that possession like Abby had, and Holtzmann hadn’t possessed her with malicious intent; and now, she could  _ feel  _ the engineer in her brain and in her heart, and the loving, comforting presence made her eyes water.

_ You okay, babe?  _ Holtzmann’s voice came up right in her brain, and that was a bit unsettling, but she figured she’d get used to it quickly; she said “Yes” out loud, smiling when Holtzmann’s voice echoed through her mind again. 

_ Okay, good. Sorry about the goo, I tried to keep it down to a minimum. Let me take control for a moment so we can see how it works? _

“Don’t do anything inappropriate”, Erin warned, then tried to let Holtzmann take over, not sure what she had to do; apparently, she was doing  _ something _ right though, as her right hand raised without her doing it, then her left, then they were clapped in front of her, followed by Holtzmann chuckling in her mind.

_ Self high five! _

“Dork”, Erin said, rolling her eyes; she heard Holtzmann laugh again, and then the sensations of hot and cold came back as the engineer left her body and ended up hovering in front of her, smirking proudly as it had worked out just fine, a happy glint in Erin’s eyes as well as she held Holtzmann’s gaze, both of them sure now that they could do this.

* * *

“I feel like an idiot.”

It was early on Sunday morning, and Erin was pushing an empty shopping cart down an alley in the Bronx. She was thankful that it appeared most people in the area appeared to still be asleep (or passed out), as she was currently not in the mood to answer questions on what she was up to.

“You’re ashamed of pushing Bessie around?” Holtzmann’s disembodied voice said next to her. The ghost had decided not to show herself for this endeavor, both to not alarm any passers-by and to conserve energy. 

“I can’t believe you named this damn shopping cart Holtz.”

“Whaaaaaaa?” Holtzmann’s voice now was on the other side of Erin, startling her.

“Stop that!”

“Stop what?”

“Moving around so much. Can you just stay on one side of me please?” Erin looked up to see an elderly woman wearing her Sunday best staring at her. She looked to be on her way

to church after throwing out a trash bag in the bin behind a row of apartment buildings. The physicist smiled weakly at her, the older woman shaking her head and walking away quickly, obviously spooked by the stranger pushing a shopping cart while talking to herself.

“See what you did?” Erin hissed.

“Would you rather I make an appearance? Grandma would have peed through her support hose.”

“Dammit, Holtz…”

“Chill Erin. The junkyard is at the end of the alley on the right. Just open the gate and let Holtzy guide you.”

Erin briskly walked to the steel gates that served as the entrance to Holtzmann’s favorite junkyard. She fished a key out of the pocket of her jeans, one she had found in the inside pocket of Holtzmann’s leather jacket that the physicist had stashed in her closet. After looking both ways to ensure no one was watching, Erin popped the key in the lock and opened the gates, pushing the cart in before locking up behind her.

“I don’t know what you’re so nervous about. The guys who own this place love me - they let me have free reign. That’s why I have a key.”

“They loved you Holtz. You’re no longer here. It’s just me, and I don’t exactly look like I belong in this junkyard.”

Holtzmann appeared in front of Erin, her ghostly eyes serious. “Please Erin. It’s gonna be ok. Just listen to me and put the items we need in the cart. We’ll be out of here in no time. I promise.”

The physicist sighed. “OK, let’s get on with this Holtz.”

The ghost smiled before disappearing, moving to Erin’s right side. She gave the physicist distinct direction as to what objects to pick up, instructing Erin to hold them up and turn them over, enabling the ghost to inspect them closely. Within a half hour the cart was mostly full of a mish-mash of scrap metal, automotive parts and an intact 8-track player, ‘just cause.’ Erin pushed the cart back toward the entrance, coming to a stop a few feet from the gate.

“You OK Erin?”

The physicist fidgeted while looking down at the items in the cart. “Are you mad?”

“As a hatter. But I presume that’s not what you’re referring to.”

“No, I mean,” Erin rubbed the back of her neck, unsure of how to proceed. “Are you mad that we’re replacing you?”

“You mean with that kid that Abby hired?”

Erin nodded, mentally steeling herself to get berated for allowing it to happen.

“Look at me Erin.”

The physicist tilted her head up to see that Holtzmann had again appeared, this time floating next to the cart. She was frowning.

“The Ghostbusters were the most important thing to ever happen to me. I mean, jeez Erin, I sacrificed everything for you guys. I don’t want it to end. The city - the world needs you. And of course someone needs to step into my shoes to keep things going. Even if they are sensible loafers.”

Erin shook her head. “I just can’t help but think she’s not you.”

“She’s not. But Gorin recommended her and I trust her opinion. Give her a chance E. I’m sure she’ll do fine.”

“I’ll try. It’s just hard.”

“Of course it is.” Holtzmann smirked. “I don’t have to worry do I? I mean I know you have a thing for younger ladies with a background in engineering…”   


“Holtz! You know I could never -”

“Relax babe, I’m just teasing. Besides, I overheard her on the phone with Abby when I was snooping the other day. She’s married to a dude. Ick.”

Erin couldn’t help but laugh at the mock-disgusted face the ghost was wearing. “You’re too much Holtzy.”

“Do you feel any better now?”

“Yeah, a bit.”

“Great! Let’s load up this stuff into the Ecto-1 and get it all back to the firehouse. There’s a Foghat 8-track in one of the boxes of my stuff - let’s see if we can get this old thing to hum again.”

“Aren’t we going to get started on your machine Holtz?”  
  
“Oh yeah. That too.”


	17. Chapter 17

Erin was glad that it was Sunday as she made her way to Holtzmann’s lab - technically, it wasn’t Holtz’ lab anymore, and she knew, but she doubted she’d ever be able to think of it as anything else than  _ Holtzmann’s lab _ \- since it meant that nobody else would be around; she still wasn’t sure why, but it felt oddly wrong to tell Abby and Patty about Holtzmann and what they were planning to do.

_ As if telling them might jinx it,  _ she thought to herself as she dragged all the bits and pieces Holtzmann and she had salvaged from the junkyard upstairs,  _ and then it won’t work. I really need this to work.  _ We  _ really need this to work. _

“Okay hot stuff”, Holtzmann’s disembodied voice said from somewhere to her right, making her jump a bit again, “we better make sure the newest addition to the team doesn’t stumble over this stuff once we’re done for today. You ready?”

“Let me ready the notebook and stuff first”, Erin suggested, touched by how eager Holtz was to get to work, “so you can conserve energy and we can work longer, alright?”

“Good thinking, babe”, Holtzmann said, making her smile, “I should have thought of that on my own, but I guess I’m just eager to be inside you again.”

“Holtz!” Erin sputtered, eyes going wide; she heard the engineer laugh bashfully and suddenly was quite sure that, had she been able to see Holtzmann, she could have observed the ghostly equivalent of a blush.

“That came out wrong”, Holtzmann admitted, with another laugh, “sorry. Didn’t mean to sound crass.”

“Since when?” Erin shot back, earning another laugh; she smiled, then went to get the notebook from her bag, Holtzmann instructing her on which tools they’d need next, amused by how neatly Erin laid them out on the workbench.

“Okay”, the physicist said once she readied the tools to her satisfaction, “now I’m ready.”

She took in a deep breath, steeling herself against the sensations of hot and cold she knew she’d feel; Holtzmann took a moment to tell her to relax, then appeared in front of her, just long enough to let Erin look into her eyes before she rushed at her, the redhead flinching when the ghost possessed her once more.

This time, there was less goo dripping from her nose and ears, making her wonder if this meant that Holtzmann was figuring out how to control this or if it meant that her body was getting used to being possessed; thinking ahead, she’d readied a tissue, and used that now to wipe the goo off, grimacing as she threw the soiled hanky into the trash afterwards.

_ Sorry about that, hot stuff,  _ Holtzmann said in her mind,  _ I’m trying to keep this from happening but it’s not easy. _

“It’s okay”, Erin reassured her, taking in a controlled breath as she knew she had to give Holtzmann full control of her body if she wanted her to start building the machine, “so um… ready?”

_ Ready,  _ Holtzmann gave back,  _ just relax and let me take over, I promise I won’t harm your body. _

“I know”, Erin said with a small smile, giving her best to give up control the way she had to so Holtzmann could take over, “I trust you.”

And she did, she trusted Holtzmann with her life, but still, she thought to herself as the engineer took control, it was strange to see her hands move on their own, with a deftness she certainly had never displayed before.

Eager to not make her uncomfortable in any way, Holtzmann kept up a running commentary as she worked with Erin’s hands, and it was so much like the days before Holtzmann had died that it made her heart clench up, her hands pausing when tears blurred her sight.

_ Erin?  _ the engineer said in concern, making her sniffle,  _ what is it? I didn’t hurt you or something, right? _

“No”, Erin replied, realizing that she had control back and wiping at her eyes, “I’m sorry, it’s just… this is so much like… you know,  _ before _ , and it just… it hurt.”

_ I’m sorry _ , Holtzmann gave back,  _ you, um, I dunno, want me to shut up or something? _

“No, please don’t”, the physicist said at once, managing a slight smile, “it hurt, but… it’s also nice.”

_ Okay then,  _ the engineer said, and Erin could hear her smile,  _ I think we can get a bit more done before I have to head out again. Ready? _

Erin nodded, and Holtzmann got to work again; she kept up the commentary, but this time, Erin managed to not tear up, even though she did feel a bit of frustration when apparently, Holtzmann hit a roadblock in her work.

_ Crap _ , the engineer commented once they had taken another look at her notebook,  _ we’ll have to look this over once I’m strong enough to come back, I think I got a mistake in there somewhere. I can feel it, I have to go again soon… _

“It’s okay”, Erin reassured her, even though she didn’t like the thought of Holtzmann going back to wherever she went when she wasn’t with her, “I’ll be waiting for you…”

_ I’ll be back as fast as I can _ , Holtzmann let her know, a shudder running through her when the engineer left her body again moments later; she saw her for a few seconds, floating in front of her, just long enough to see the blonde smile at her, then Holtzmann was gone, and Erin tried hard to not give in to the pain while she put the tools and what Holtzmann had assembled away, telling herself that the blonde would indeed come back to her as soon as she’d be able to.

* * *

Erin fidgeted at her work desk, tapping her spoon against the edge of her coffee mug in annoyance. It was almost 10 am and she hadn’t yet had a chance to work on “the machine” as Holtzmann had so succinctly named it. 

Today had been Sharon’s first official day as a member of the Ghostbusters, and there had been much chit-chat and pleasantries shared once everyone had arrived. The young woman had brought a box of donuts to celebrate, which pushed the normal start of the workday back even further while everyone enjoyed them.  Erin had put on a good face, and even though Holtzmann gave the new hire her blessing, seeing the woman working in Holtz’s space made her stomach turn sour. 

Erin flinched when she heard Holtzmann’s voice faintly in her ear.

“Is it safe to possess your fine bod now?”

“Holtz!” Erin hissed. “I’m not sure I like doing this when the others are here.” The two of them had decided not to work on assembling the machine during normal hours, rather, waiting until everyone had gone home. But Holtzmann needed to review the equations and blueprints to get past their roadblock, and it was much easier to write down what she needed while in Erin’s body rather than attempting to transcribe it.

“I’ll just be inside reading and writing. It’s no biggie, babe.”

Erin sighed, knowing they needed to use as much time as they were able to build this. The longer it took, the more likely Holtzmann could become malevolent before they were able to finish.

“Okay. Just - just try to be casual about it.”

“Um, sure,” Erin heard the ghost mumble before possessing her, the action causing the physicist to sputter. She grabbed a tissue before the ectoplasm could spray across her desk, covering her nose. At that moment, Sharon came down the stairs with an empty coffee mug, shooting Erin a concerned look.

“Are you ok Erin?”

_ Sheesh, I bet she irons her lab coat. Oops, sorry, that was mean. _

Holtzmann’s voice inside her head nearly made Erin snicker. Instead, she attempted to cover up her laughter with a coughing sound.

“I’m fine. Just allergies.” Erin waved the younger woman away with her hand, but not before Sharon raised an eyebrow as she headed to the kitchen to refill her coffee mug.

Once Sharon was out of earshot Erin whispered, “Holtz! Cut it out! Do you want everyone to know what we’re doing?”

_ Sorry, I’ll try to keep it professional babe. Now can you grab my notebook… _

Erin leaned down to pull the notebook out of the bottom drawer of her desk, hidden under a stack of academic journals. She opened it to the page that had given them so many problems the night prior. The physicist took a deep breath, letting Holtzmann take over her body. The ghost began to scribble in the margins of the notebook. Watching her own hand write in the engineer’s infamous messy scrawl fascinated Erin. She heard Holtzmann mumbling in her head, adding numbers, reciting equations, arguing with herself over what materials would be best to use. The physicist kept quiet and enjoyed the show, letting Holtz do her thing.

The physicist had no idea how much had passed until she heard her stomach growl. She looked over at the wall to see it was already past 1PM.

_ Sheesh Gilbert, when was the last time ya stuffed your face? _

“Shush, Holtz. Let’s go to the kitchen and grab something then.”

Erin felt her body rise from her chair and walk to the kitchen. She bypassed the refrigerator and headed directly to one of the upper cabinets, stepping on her tippy toes to grab something just out of reach.

“Holtz, what are you doing?”

_ Hang tight hot stuff, I’m pretty sure you guys haven’t found this yet, A-HA! _

Erin felt her hand grasp a cardboard tube, bringing it down to reveal…

“Pringles?”

_ You try saying no to these salty parabolas… _

“I don’t really like them…” Erin whispered.

_ Erin Gilbert, well I never!  _

“Hush…” Erin moved back to her desk, slouching in her office chair before putting her feet on her desk. The physicist made a grunting sound.

_ Whaaaaa, it’s the lesbian slouch. _

Erin popped open the lid of the can of Pringles with a flourish, pulling two chips right off the top and into her mouth. 

“Ugh, these are gross. I don’t know how you could eat so many of these.”

_ Uhhhhhh...Erin. _

The physicist looked up to see Abby standing a few feet away, staring at her, her mouth agape. 

“Oh. Hi Abs.” Half a Pringles chip fell out of Erin’s mouth. She hurriedly took her feet off the desk and sat up straight, attempting to look more like her usual self.

“Um, are you ok Erin?”

“Sure! Never better!”

_ Ask her if you can eat her leftover fried rice in the fridge. I have a hankering for it. _

“Be quietttttt um I’m quite um, warm Abby. I’m gonna take a moment to splash water on my face in the bathroom ok?”

Abby stared incredulously at the back of the physicist as she walked awkwardly toward the washroom. Erin appeared to mumble to herself under her breath as she did so, causing Abby to shake her head in disbelief. 

“You ok baby?”

Patty walked up behind the scientist, Abby turning to her with a concerned look on her face.

“I just caught Erin eating Pringles while talking to herself. It was almost as if...she was pretending to talk to Holtz. Or be her? I don’t know.”

“You’ve known Erin much longer than I have so maybe it’s not my place to say this but -” Patty put her hand on Abby’s shoulder. “Maybe our girl needs help? I mean we’ve all taken Holtzy’s death hard, but Erin seems to be getting worse rather than getting better.”

Abby sighed. “She won’t go willingly, I can tell you that. All those years spent in forced therapy as a kid for seeing that ghost ruined it for her.”

“I think we need to do something. I can’t stand to see her like this.”  
  
“Me either Patty.” Abby stared at the closed bathroom door, a look of concern on her face.


	18. Chapter 18

“Well, that wasn’t good”, Erin mumbled under her breath as she stared at her reflection in the mirror, briefly wondering if she’d see some hint that Holtzmann was still in there, perhaps through her eyes or her facial expression, “Abby certainly noticed something is off. What should I tell them?”

_ If you tell them I’m possessing you,  _ Holtzmann replied in her mind, making her smile despite the blunder which had happened minutes ago,  _ they’ll probably think you’re going bonkers. _

“Abby might already think that”, Erin murmured, her heart briefly clenching up as she thought back to the look which had been on Abby’s face when she had caught her eating Pringles, “Abby and Patty, of all people, should know that ghosts and possession are a thing, but… your death hit me pretty hard so…”

_ So they might think you’re making things up to comfort yourself,  _ Holtzmann finished for her, making her nod, before she added “yes”, not sure if Holtzmann had taken note of her non-verbal answer, the engineer’s voice amused in her head moments later.

_ Of course I noticed you nod, hot stuff,  _ she let Erin know, making her blush a bit,  _ I’m in your body, I notice everything. _

“Ahem”, Erin cleared her throat, “okay. Um, anyway… You think we can get some more done or…?”

_ Not much,  _ Holtzmann replied, a hint of regret in her tone now,  _ there’s not much time left. _

“Leave now, then”, Erin whispered, suddenly a bit absurdly - and maybe with a hint of paranoia - worried that Abby was listening at the door, “and conserve some strength, so you can come back to me faster…”

_ Good thinking, hot stuff,  _ Holtzmann replied, making her smile a bit,  _ alright then. I’ll see you as soon as I can, okay? _

“I’ll be waiting”, Erin whispered back, “I love you.”

She felt the warmth and love of Holtzmann’s presence for a few more seconds, and basked in it; and then, the engineer’s ghost left her body, hanging in the air in front of her for another moment before she vanished, Erin running a shaking hand down her face, feeling strangely empty all at once.

_ Don’t,  _ she told herself, taking in a deep breath before she splashed cold water in her face, the excuse she had made up for Abby an all too real need all at once,  _ don’t get used to having her possess you. You know this can’t last forever, and once you finished the machine… _

She took in another slow, controlled breath, gripping the sink with both hands as she stared at her reflection; she looked a bit better than she had right after Holtzmann had died, not as pale anymore, but there still were dark rings beneath her eyes, and she could tell that she had lost a bit of weight since Holtzmann had died, grimacing as the taste of Pringles was still all too prevalent on her tongue.

_ Yeah, once you finished the machine, then what?  _ Erin found herself wondering, taking a few sips of water to get the taste out of her mouth,  _ then you’ll have the chance to hold her once more… and then she’ll be gone forever. Truly dead and gone. _

Erin swallowed heavily at the thought, but knew that they had no other choice - Holtzmann had told her in no uncertain terms that she’d go malevolent sooner or later, should she stay a ghost too long, and the last thing she wanted was to end up busting the engineer.

_ Don’t be selfish _ , she told herself, drinking a bit more water and simultaneously realizing how long she already had been in the bathroom, a fact which certainly would only add to Abby’s suspicions about her mental state,  _ you already get more than most people do after a loved one died. Be happy with the time you’ll have with her. _

She took another moment to compose herself, making sure none of her thoughts and emotions showed through her features; then, she left the bathroom and went back to her desk, ready to face Abby and any concerns her best friend might have for her.

* * *

Erin wandered into work the following morning a little later than normal, unable to sleep well the previous night. She had tossed and turned the majority of the evening, worrying about what her friends thought of her. The physicist wondered if she should tell Abby and Patty the truth about what was going on.

_ They’ll probably think I’ve lost it more than they already do. Conspiring with the ghost of Holtzmann to try to bring her back to life? Yeah, right.  _

Erin had wished the former engineer had appeared to her during the night to reassure her. But she knew Holtzmann was conserving her energy wherever she was so they could work more on the machine after hours.

The physicist was so engrossed in drinking her very large coffee that she nearly bumped into Patty, who was waiting for her by her desk.

“Oh geez, sorry Patty! I guess the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. What’s up?”

The historian gave her a nervous smile. “Not much baby. Hey, once you’re settled in do you mind joining myself and Abby in the kitchen? We have a...guest who’d like to talk to you.”

_ A guest?  _ “Who is it? Someone I know?” Erin put her coffee cup and briefcase down on her desk, pulling off her jacket to hang over her chair.

“No. Just - just come with me honey. Ok?”

“Sure?” Erin shook her head as she followed Patty into the kitchen. When she entered, she saw Abby and a middle-aged bespeckled man sitting at the table. They both rose at the sight of the physicist, Abby biting her lip in apprehension.

“Good morning Erin. This is Dr. Nash. Um, Patty and I had him come over to uh, talk to you.”

The man leaned over the table to shake the physicist’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Dr. Gilbert.”

“Likewise.” Erin gave Dr. Nash a strange look. “And you are a doctor of…”

“I’m a psychiatrist.”

“Oh. I see.” Erin’s face flashed red, anger settling into her veins. “Abigail, may I speak to you outside please?”

Abby cringed, knowing her friend was upset. Patty shook her head, recognizing the look on Erin’s face meant she was moments away from exploding.

“Sure Erin. Excuse us Dr. Nash.” 

Once outside the kitchen Erin let loose.

“What the hell is this Abby? Is this what you and Patty think of me? That I’m some nutball needing to talk to a shrink? You could’ve asked me first!”

“I know, I’m sorry. We were so concerned over the way you’ve been acting lately. We thought maybe talking to someone about it might help.”

“You of all people should know better!” Erin closed her eyes. 

_ She’s nine years old and looking at the bearded man in the chair across from her. “Erin,” he says, a smirk spreading across his face. “You know ghosts aren’t real right? Why are you making this up? For attention? That’s very unfair to your parents.” Inside the words nearly bubble over: they’re real they’re real I saw her please believe me why doesn’t anyone believe me this hurts so bad I don’t want to do this anymore why does this hurt so much… _

Erin doesn’t know how it happened, but Abby’s hugging her. Abby’s hugging her and she’s crying, the painful memories of all those therapy sessions as a kid completely overwhelming.

“Shhh, Erin I’m sorry. We’ll tell him to go, we’ll talk this out. It’ll be ok honey.”

“Holtz -” the physicist said, her voice muffled against Abby’s shoulder.

“I know Erin. We miss her too. We miss her so much.”

“No I -” The physicist pulled away from Abby’s embrace, swiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’ve talked to Holtz.” She whispers. “I’ve seen her.”

Abby was silent for a moment before responding. “Ok Erin, Ok.”

Erin frowned. “You think I’m hallucinating don’t you? Dammit Abby, I know better than anyone when I see a ghost. And I’ve seen Holtzmann’s. And talked to her. And -” 

_ It’s the look. The look when someone thinks you’re off your gourd. Abby probably thinks my grief is making me imagine things.  _

“Nevermind. Forget I said anything.” Erin looked down at her hands, clasped together and twitching. 

Abby put a hand on the physicist’s shoulder, giving her a reassuring look. “I believe you Erin. It’ll be our little secret - ok? Why don’t you go home, you look exhausted. Go home and rest and we’ll talk about it tomorrow, all right?”

Erin sighed. “That sounds like a good idea. You sure you guys will be ok without me?”

“I’m sure. An exhausted, emotional Erin Gilbert doesn’t do anyone any good right now.”

The physicist gave her friend a tight smile. “Tell Patty goodbye for me, won’t you?”

Abby nodded before Erin turned to gather her things. She walked back outside into the morning sun, the breeze cool upon her cheeks. 

_ I’m sorry Holtzmann, I should’ve kept my mouth shut… _


	19. Chapter 19

Once at home, Erin sat on the window sill for a while, staring outside as her mind raced; she still was angry and upset about what Abby and Patty had done - Abby, of all people, truly should have known better, Erin bitterly thought to herself, than to blindside her with this, she had told Abby about the therapy sessions of her childhood, had told her how much it had hurt to be accused of making the horrible nightly hauntings up for attention.

_ Back then she was the only one to believe you,  _ she thought to herself, somewhat bitterly,  _ and now not only Abby believes you anymore. She thinks you’re losing your mind, that losing Holtz is making you hallucinate… _

She knew that this could be easily solved, simply by having Holtzmann appear when Abby and Patty were around, too; on the other hand though, Erin reasoned, perhaps a bit petty and selfish, but able to care anymore, not after how they had surprised her with the shrink, she knew that Holtzmann’s strength wasn’t endless, and after what just had happened, she didn’t really want the blonde to use any of her energy on proving her right.

All at once, all she wanted was for Holtzmann to appear in front of her, even though she knew the engineer had to conserve her energies; for the moment though, she couldn’t have cared less, she just wanted Holtzmann to appear and make things better.

_ What if they are right?  _

The thought flashed through her mind unbidden, from the darkest corners where her anxieties and insecurities hid and fed on her emotions; her breath hitched in her throat, and she shook her head, mumbling “no” to herself, realizing belatedly that she had spoken out loud.

_ Talking to yourself,  _ that nasty voice immediately latched onto that,  _ that’s another thing crazy people do, you know. What if they are right? What if you are imagining all this? _

Closing her eyes, Erin took in a deep breath, trying to push these thoughts out of her mind; she knew that it wasn’t true, she  _ knew _ , but the voice of her insecurities and anxieties always had been a loud one, and only got louder now, as she sat alone in her apartment, shaken up and hurt by what Abby and Patty had done behind her back.

Suddenly unable to sit still any longer, Erin came to her feet, not sure what she wanted to do and where she wanted to go; just sitting around wasn’t an option anymore though, and so, she pulled on her jacket and left the apartment, figuring that she might as well wander aimlessly in an attempt to clear her mind.

_ I’m not imagining this,  _ she told herself, not caring where she went as she made her way down the sidewalk,  _ it’s Holtzmann, it’s real, she’s a ghost and it’s real. If I was imagining it, how would I have known where to look for the notebook? I didn’t even know Holtzmann has a bible, for crying out loud. And how would I be able to build the machine? _

This was somewhat sound reasoning, and to her relief, the nasty voice in her  mind apparently agreed, since it had nothing to say in response; she smiled a bit to herself, feeling better about the whole situation - until she realized that, while she herself was sure again that this was real, Abby and Patty might still doubt her, might believe that she was making all of this up in a helpless attempt to cope with her grief.

Again, Erin wondered if she should ask Holtzmann to appear to them, just to make sure they’d stop thinking she was losing her mind; she could already imagine how this would go though - tears at first, and then, questions, about why Holtzmann was still around, what she had to do to move on to the afterlife, and if they’d reveal the machine they were building…

All at once, Erin was sure that neither Abby, nor Patty would approve, that they would worry about something going wrong, or about them taking too long and Holtzmann ending up going malevolent; she shuddered at the mere thought, holding back a sigh as she tried to figure out a solution for this problem, not quite sure how she could make this better.

* * *

A while later, Erin was back at her apartment, having some mindless show playing on the TV, not really watching even though she was lying on the couch; Holtzmann’s sweatshirt was resting on her chest, and she had both arms wrapped around it, just enough of the engineer’s scent left in the fabric to let her smell it when she breathed in deeply enough.

From the corner of her eye, she noticed a blue-ish shimmer which distracted her from the TV and a bit from the sweatshirt; and just as she took a closer look, Holtzmann appeared out of thin air, smiling at her and immediately making Erin smile back at her.

“Hey hot stuff”, Holtzmann greeted, floating over to the couch and more or less kneeling in front of it, briefly making Erin wonder how she didn’t actually vanish through the floor, “you know, you’re supposed to wear the sweater, not snuggle it, but whatever floats your boat.”

Then, Holtzmann took a closer look at Erin’s face, and her smile faded; worried, she leaned closer, a small breeze of cold air brought up by her movement which caused goosebumps to form on Erin’s arms, the engineer’s worry clearly showing through her voice and ghostly features when she spoke up again.

“Erin?” she inquired, once more regretting that she couldn’t touch the physicist, “what’s wrong? You’re home so early and you look upset, did something happen?”

“I don’t want you worrying Holtz..” Erin’s voice trailed off as she twisted one of the ties of the hoodie in her lap. 

“It’s too late for that sweet cheeks.” Holtzmann frowned when her silly term of endearment elicited little response from the physicist. “Erin? C’mon, talk to me.”

Erin sighed. “Abby and Patty thought it would be a good idea to ambush me with a shrink this morning. I know they meant well, but you’ve heard about my childhood experiences with therapy. I may have had a slight breakdown and in the midst of it, told Abby about you.”

Holtzmann clenched her fists. “And what was her response?”

The physicist shrugged. “I’m not sure she believed me? She said it would be our little secret. I mean, you’d think she’d know that I wouldn’t make stuff like this up. But…”

“But what?” Holtzmann tried to keep her voice level, but she could feel the anger bubbling up inside of her. 

“Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe this is all too much for me. I don’t know Holtz. I just -”

“Do you think I’m not real? That I’m just a figment of your imagination?”

“No Holtz, it’s sometimes hard to deal with -”

Holtzmann turned and floated so she was directly in front of the physicist. “This is real Erin. Us building this machine is real. I’m risking everything so we can attempt to be together one last time. If you don’t believe that,” the ghost let out a grunt. “I’m not sure what to tell you.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything Holtzmann. I know this is happening. Everything just feels so surreal and I’m -”

“I’M DEAD AND BURIED ERIN. I DIED FOR YOU. DON’T EVER DOUBT THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. ANYTHING. I’D DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU.”

Holtzmann felt the anger course through her veins, she was ready to fight. To tear things apart.

To kill.

As she took a deep breath to let loose a primal scream, Holtzmann looked at Erin. And froze.

The look of absolute horror on Erin’s face made her feel sick. Tears were starting to pour down her cheeks, her hands were raised, almost as if to shield herself from seeing her.

“Holtz…” Erin whimpered. “Your eyes. Stop. Please. Stop.”

“Shit…” Holtzmann said under her breath. “They’re red aren’t they? I look like something we used to put in one of our ghost traps, don’t I?”

Erin could only shake her head in the affirmative, too rattled to speak.

_ It didn’t take much to set me off. We’re running out of time… _

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me. Erin, please forgive me.” Holtzmann floated closer to the physicist, reaching out to caress Erin’s cheek, a small flare of anger bubbling up at the unfairness of not being able to feel her skin beneath her fingers.

_ Soon. I just have to hang on… _

“It’s ok Holtzy. You can’t help it. But how much longer can you - can we do things before...before…” Erin couldn’t get the words out.

“Before I go malevolent and the Holtzmann you know is gone?”

“Yes.” Erin’s voice broke, causing the ghost to feel a pang of regret that she was the cause of such pain.

“I don’t know. I’m gonna try my best to fight it, but the clock is ticking. We need to spend every moment we can working on the machine before -”

“Before it’s too late.” Erin finished Holtzmann’s sentence. 

There was a moment of silence, punctuated by the physicist’s sniffles as she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of Holtzmann’s hoodie.

“There are these things they call tissues Gilbert.”

Erin cracked a slight smile. “Shut up Holtzy.”

“That’s my girl.” Holtzmann beamed before her face turned serious. “Are you up for returning to the firehouse? To get some work done?”

“Abby and Patty should be gone by now, so yes. We have no time to waste at this point.”

“Ok, I’m gonna peace out and meet ya over there in like an hour, all right?”

“Sure thing Holtzy. See you soon.”  
  
Holtzmann saw a slight smile on Erin’s lips right before she disappeared.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ahem* This chapter is quite NSFW in a good way. We hope. Proceed with caution ;)

Erin sighed as she dragged herself into her bedroom.

It had been a long, stressful week. Herself and Holtzmann had spent every evening since the shrink incident at the firehouse working on the machine. They had made significant progress, but the work was taxing, both for herself and Holtzmann. Being possessed by the former engineer took a lot out of her, to the point she barely had the strength to eat, shower and change before falling into bed at night and doing it all over again in the morning.

They had begun to build the machine in the firehouse’s garage, not wanting to call attention to the project. When they finished for the evening, Erin would throw a tarp over the contraption and hide it behind a pile of assorted parts and junk that the other Ghostbusters had neither the time nor inclination to sort through at the moment. 

Tonight had been somewhat trying. Gone was the playful banter between Holtzmann and Erin within the physicist’s head when she was possessed. Both of them had a sense of urgency about their work, knowing that Holtzmann might be a ticking time bomb. Earlier in the evening, Holtzmann berated herself for accidentally dropping a wrench on Erin’s foot. The physicist could sense the ghost’s rising ire, and it terrified her. Holtzmann must have sensed it as well, diffusing the anger almost as soon as it started, the ghost apologizing for both dropping the tool and being upset. 

_ I never want to see her face look like it did the other night. I’d rather die than have to bust her… _

The night had ended on a down note, Holtzmann unable to figure out how to wire a particular section of the machine that connected to the power supply. _ I’ll think on it hot stuff _ , she had said while possessing Erin.  _ It’ll come to me, I’m sure of it. But we’re both tired, so I think it’s a good time to stop and pick it up again tomorrow. _

After changing into an old oversized t-shirt, Erin slid into bed, expecting to fall asleep immediately. Instead, her mind drifted to the dream she had had the night prior. 

The physicist had almost come to expect either a nightmare about the night Holtzmann died or one where the engineer was still alive, the two of them doing some mundane thing that would had happened prior to that tragic night. She was not expecting what her mind had in store for her the previous evening. 

Herself and Holtzmann had been reunited, the machine’s operation having been successful. Within moments, the passionate kisses between them had become something more, the two of them somehow having moved to Erin’s apartment, on her bed. Clothes came off in a flurry, the sight of Holtzmann’s naked form causing feelings below her waist she didn’t know was possible. Without warning she had been flipped over, Holtzmann on top of her, kissing down her body until she reached the top of her thighs, a mischievous grin spreading across the blonde’s face until she dipped her head and…

Erin had woken up, her heart racing, her nightgown sticking to her in places from sweat.  _ You just had a sex dream about Holtzmann _ was her first conscious thought of the day.

Thankfully the two busts she had participated in during the afternoon and the work on the machine at night had distracted her from replaying the salacious parts of the dream in her head. But now that she was home, in the very bed that she and Holtzmann had done things to one another in her dream, she couldn’t help but be hot and bothered.

_ Stop. Go to sleep, tomorrow will be another long day. _

But every time she closed her eyes all she could see was Holtzmann naked, doing things to her that made her scream. 

_ You can take care of it you know. It’ll most likely help you fall asleep quicker too. _

Erin hesitated. She hadn’t felt much of anything since Holtzmann’s death, and certainly nothing of this nature. Touching herself right now seemed almost inappropriate, as if she didn’t deserve to feel any pleasure until she was able to share it with Holtzmann.

_ Oh fuck it. _

The physicist snaked her hand down her stomach, slipping it under the waistband of her panties. The amount of wetness she found there shocked her.

_ Well, it has been awhile since you touched yourself… _

Erin took a deep breath and used two fingers to touch her most sensitive area, the moan escaping from her mouth surprising herself. As she rubbed small circles clockwise she imagined it was Holtzmann’s fingers doing it to her, Holtzmann laying on top of her, kissing her so hard she couldn’t catch her breath. 

It didn’t take long for the physicist’s hips to begin bucking against her fingers, her breathy moans echoing throughout her bedroom. She was on the edge of breaking when she heard a sound.

“Hey Erin, sorry to bother you, but I think I figured out how to fix holyyyyyyy shittttttttt.” 

Erin opened her eyes to see Holtzmann floating above her bed, eyes wide as saucers.

“Holtzmann! Jesus!” The physicist quickly withdrew her hand from her underwear, unable to suppress a groan at the loss of contact, having been so close to finishing.

“Um. Ok. I’ll just go now.” 

If Erin didn’t know any better she would have sworn the ghost was blushing. A thought flickered in her head, one that in the past would have shocked herself had she even considered it. But that was before she learned the hard way that life was full of regrets and to make the most of every opportunity. To take risks.

“No Holtz. Stay.”

“Wait, what?”

“I want you to stay. And watch.” Holtzmann’s mouth dropped open, making Erin nervous that she had gone too far. “If you want to. I mean, if this makes you uncomfortable…”

“NO. I mean, um, I think I’d like it. A lot actually.”

Erin couldn’t help but smirk at the way Holtzmann was flustered, obviously caught off-guard by the scene unfolding on the bed below. She gave the ghost her best seductive smile.

“Tell me what you want to do to me. Tell me while I touch myself.”

The ghost groaned and licked her lips as Erin slipped her hand underneath her panties again.

“Holtz -”

“Um, first I’d kiss you so hard you’d be gasping for breath. Then I’d kiss down your neck, nipping at it when you least expect it.”

Erin squeezed her eyes shut, imagining the scene as Holtzmann described it. She could almost feel the blonde’s lips on her neck, her hands gripping her shoulders.

“Then what Holtz. God, tell me.”

The ghost’s voice sounded raspy and strained. “After I remove your clothes, I’d take one of your nipples in my mouth while I played with the other one. And then I’d reverse them, sucking and pulling on your gorgeous breasts until you started begging for more.”

Erin sped up her fingers, feeling herself spiral toward completion. “Oh god Holtz, I want it so bad. Please…”

She heard the ghost swallow. “I’d kiss down your stomach and then…” Holtzmann hesitated.

“Please…”

“I’d bring my mouth down to your clit and start sucking it…”

The image that popped into Erin’s head was identical to her dream the night before. That was all it took, a loud cry exuding from her as she came, her back arching off the bed. It was several minutes before she could open her eyes, only to see Holtzmann still floating above her, chest heaving.

“Shit, Erin. You ok?”

“Yeah,” the physicist drawled sleepily as she withdrew her hand from her panties. “Never better.”

“That was hot. And totally unexpected.” 

“I take it you liked it?”

“Oh yes. Holtzy like.” The ghost winked, the gesture causing a rush of heat across Erin’s face.

“I’m glad.” Erin smiled dreamily at the ghost above her.

“So, uh, as much as I’d like to stay, watching that took a lot out of me. I’m gonna conserve my energy for tomorrow. You know, so hopefully we can make what I witnessed a reality.”

“Of course. I’m sleepy anyway.” The physicist could barely keep her eyes open.

“All righty. Um, see ya tomorrow hot stuff.”

“G’night. Love you.” Erin hardly got the words out before she fell asleep, a smile on her face.

* * *

“Holy shit”, Holtzmann repeated to herself as she materialized in the train station - up until this moment, she hadn’t even been aware that she could get hot and bothered as a ghost, but obviously, this was very possible, and she was quite sure that, if she’d still had a heart, it would have been racing in her chest.

“You okay?” JD’s voice came from her right, making her look at the Victorian ghost; JD was looking back at her with a raised eyebrow, clearly able to tell that  _ something  _ was going on with her, but not looking concerned, so Holtzmann figured that she didn’t look as if she was about to go malevolent again.

“Question”, she said instead of answering the one JD had asked her, “can… um, can ghosts get themselves off? I’m… kinda hot and bothered.”

“I don’t even want to know”, JD replied with a roll of her eyes, prompting Holtzmann to smile innocently at her, “and, sad to say, no, we can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Dammit”, Holtzmann grumbled, earning another raised eyebrow; true to her word though, JD didn’t ask, and the engineer knew better than to tell her - she might have grown close to the other ghost ever since she had died, but that certainly would have been too much information.  
  
“Sorry?” JD said instead, making Holtzmann sigh - before she thought back to the sight of Erin coming and smiled again, only more eager now to finish the machine so she could make this happen with her hands and tongue, looking forward to the moment Erin would come apart beneath her at her touch and kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took Elder Holtzbro and me 20 chapters to get smutty! Aren't y'all proud of us? *crickets chirp* ... ok then.   
> XD


	21. Chapter 21

“Bye Abby! Bye Patty!” If the two women noticed that Erin was much more relaxed than she’d been the previous day, they didn’t comment on it; Abby just smiled and wished her a nice day, and Patty told her to take care, then both of them left, Sharon heading out as well a short while later, leaving Erin alone in the firehouse.

Not even a minute after Sharon had left, Holtzmann appeared in front of Erin; and since the physicist had expected this, she didn’t get startled this time, merely smiling as she greeted the engineer.

“Had a good sleep after I left?” Holtzmann wanted to know, grinning; Erin blushed a bit, but nodded, earning a shit-eating grin from the blonde - before her expression softened as she floated a bit closer, her voice full of emotion when she went on. 

“I can’t wait to finish that machine”, she told Erin, making the redhead nod at once, “so I can do all the things I told you about.”

“Same here”, Erin agreed at once, smiling at the memory, rigorously pushing any arousal aside though, telling herself that there was no time for this now, “so you better possess me quickly so we can get some more work done. You were saying something about having figured out our problem before you realized what I was doing yesterday?”

“Oh yes”, Holtzmann remembered, smirking a bit again, “that was the main reason why I showed up at your apartment, before you distracted me. Shall we head on to the garage?”

Erin nodded and got up from her seat, leading the way; Holtzmann floated along behind her, humming a happy pop song and making the physicist smile, the smile still on her face when they reached the garage and she turned to face the ghost.

“Okay”, she said as she dug a tissue from her pocket, “ready.”

“Geronimoooo”, Holtzmann cried in response as she rushed at the redhead; Erin had a second to giggle at the engineer’s antics, then Holtzmann possessed her, and she hurriedly pressed the tissue to her nose.

By now, Holtzmann had it mostly under control, and so, the ectoplasm was minimal; apparently though, it was impossible to do the possession thing without at least some of it making an appearance, but at least, Erin thought to herself as she wiped it off, it was down to a few drops, not even close anymore to the mess they had made when Holtzmann had done this for the first time.

Once she had cleaned up to her satisfaction, Erin let Holtzmann take over, something which was accomplished easily and quickly by now, as well; she thought of it as a backseat in her brain, relaxing as Holtzmann moved her body to the machine and pulled off the tarp.

_ Alright _ , the engineer said in her head, studying their project,  _ let’s see, if we change this wiring, then… _

She got to work, Erin’s hands by now quite nimble - making her wonder if this was a development she’d be able to make use of once this work was done and Holtzmann would be gone - and even though they still knew that they had to get done as fast as possible, the engineer seemed more relaxed than she had the previous day, keeping the running commentary in Erin’s head up again as she worked. 

“You seem more relaxed today, too”, Erin observed after this had been going on for twenty minutes, “you really enjoyed the show, huh?”

_ Totally, hot stuff,  _ Holtzmann told her, sounding amused,  _ too bad I can’t get off as a ghost. But then, I can save up all those feelings and make use of them when the machine is done and I get to touch you, I’ll come so hard. _

“Holtzmann!” Erin said, with a small laugh, “don’t be crass!”

“Erin?” a confused voice said from behind her, making her squeal and jump before she twirled around, her eyes going wide when she saw Sharon standing there, the younger woman staring at her, looking as confused as she had sounded.

_ Oh shit _ , Holtzmann said feelingly, and Erin could only agree, her panic growing further when Sharon peered past her and at the machine, her eyes going wide as she could tell at once how sophisticated it was.

“Uh, hi Sharon. What brings you back to here? The garage. Of the place you work. We work. Yes.” Erin giggled nervously. _ Real smooth Gilbert _ she heard Holtzmann say in her head, the physicist having to bite down on her lip to prevent shushing the ghost out loud. 

“I realized halfway home I had left my house keys in the Ecto-1 during the bust this afternoon - they must have slipped out of my coverall pocket.” Sharon peered around her co-worker, looking more closely at the machine behind her. “What on earth are you working on Erin?”

“It’s a surprise!” Erin blurted out before thinking, a groan from Holtzmann making her frown in response. “Uh, it’s a new contraption to make all our jobs easier, but I didn’t want to show everyone until we -  _ I _ was done with it.”

Sharon stood silently in front of Erin, raising an incredulous eyebrow.

“Surprise!” Erin held her arms up in mock excitement.  _ Oh god Erin, just stop. Let me think of a way to get out of this. _ Erin whispered “ok” under her breath to Holtzmann, earning a head shake from the younger woman. 

“Who’s we?” Sharon put her hands on her hips, awaiting an explanation from the physicist.

“We is myself and Holtzmann. Well Holtzmann’s notebook anyway.” Erin felt her speech being taken over by the ghost, jarring her as she heard her own voice speaking words that were not hers. “She left the instructions in the notebook, because she is a brilliant, wonderful engineer. I mean was. Was.” Erin felt herself smile widely, which earned another eye-opening stare from the younger woman.

“Okkkkk. Well do you mind if I take a quick peek? It looks pretty intense.”

“Sure! Have at it!” 

Sharon brushed past the physicist, bending down to inspect the machine. Once Erin thought the woman was too engrossed to be paying attention she hissed at the ghost inside her. “Holtzmann! Why’d you let her look at it?!”  _ Because maybe she can help you when I can’t be here. That way we can get this done faster. _

Erin was about to quietly retort Holtzmann when Sharon sprung to her feet. “Hey Erin ,do you have a socket wrench? I noticed something down here wasn’t exactly fastened together tight enough.”

“Sure thing.” Erin reached over to grab the wrench off a small rolling workbench and handed it to the younger woman, earning a quick nod before Sharon bent over again to repair the loose bolt.

_ See?  _ Holtzmann replied in Erin’s head. _ She can help. I mean she was one of Gorin’s proteges. She’s no dummy. _

Sharon stood up a moment later, handing the wrench back to the physicist. “All done. So you want to tell me the purpose of this...thing or?”

“Maybe later. I mean, I could show you the notebook sometime. I think you might find it...interesting.” Erin heard Holtzmann make an approving noise.

“Sounds good.” Sharon nodded before walking toward the Ecto-1, pulling open the passenger side door. “Ah-ha, right on the seat, like I suspected.” The brunette held the keys up, jingling them with a smile. “I’d better be heading out, I promised my husband I’d be home in time for dinner for once, and I’d hate to be a liar. Again.”

“Hey, uh Sharon.” Erin put her hand lightly on the younger woman’s shoulder as she walked by. “You won’t tell Abby and Patty about this will you?” The physicist gave Sharon her best pleading look, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to stall telling the other two Ghostbusters what she had been up to.

“No worries Erin. It’s a surprise, right?” Sharon gave the physicist a lopsided grin. “See you in the morning.”

“Good night…” Erin replied, watching as her co-worker left, the door to the garage closing behind her.

_ Whew, that was a close one _ , Holtzmann said, earning a nod from the physicist.

“I just hope we didn’t make a mistake right now.” 

* * *

The following morning Erin nervously walked up the stairs of the firehouse, clutching Holtzmann’s notebook to her chest.  _ Holtz gave her blessing, it’s ok. _ Still, the physicist couldn’t help but worry she might be sharing a little too much of their plan.   
  
“Hey Sharon.” The younger woman looked up from the proton pack she was soldering, flipping up the face shield she was wearing for protection.

“Hi Erin. What’s up?”

The physicist slid Holtzmann’s notebook across the workbench where the younger woman could access it. 

“This is the notebook I was telling you about last night. It was Holtzmann’s - she filled it with ideas and inventions she never got around to creating. The one I’m working on starts on the folded page.”

The younger woman flipped to the dog eared page and began to scan it. She let out a low, impressed whistle. “This is some next level stuff here.”

“I assume that’s a good thing,” the physicist said with a half smile.

“Totally.” Sharon chewed on the eraser of the pencil she had grabbed, as if she was trying to figure out what to say next. “You know, Dr. Holtzmann was Gorin’s absolute favorite. Jillian this and Jillian that. I think Dr. Gorin thought of her as the daughter she never had. Most of her students got sick of hearing her talking about her.”

“But not you,” Erin said dryly.

“No,” Sharon looked up from the notebook. “I think I idolized Dr. Holtzmann in a manner of speaking. She was so brilliant. And she did it in her own way, no shits given.”

Erin snorted. “Yeah, that was Holtz all right.” Erin’s smiled slowly faded, remembering that it was that same attitude that led to the engineer’s death.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Sharon closed the notebook to look Erin in the eye. “You guys fell in love, didn’t you?” she said quietly.

Erin couldn’t look at the younger woman, staring at her folded hands on the workbench that were currently twitching. “Yeah,” the physicist said softly. “We did.”

Sharon reached out to place her hand on top of Erin’s. “I’m really, really sorry. Dr. Holtzmann left this world way too soon.”

_ If you only knew. _ “Thanks Sharon.” Erin gave the younger woman a genuine smile before stepping away from the workbench. “Why don’t you keep that notebook for the day. Let me know what you think about it?”

“It’d be my pleasure Erin.”

The physicist turned to walk back downstairs. Before she reached the stairs she turned her head.

“Hey Sharon?”   


“Yeah?”

“You can call her Holtzmann. She would’ve insisted on it.”  
  
The brunette grinned. “Holtzmann it is then.”


	22. Chapter 22

For the rest of the day, Sharon had been rather quiet, working on the proton packs and, when she had a bit of free time, going through Holtzmann’s notebook; Erin glanced at her every now and then, and from the look on the younger woman’s face, she could tell how impressed Sharon was by what she was seeing.

She also wondered if Sharon would actually figure out what the machine would be for and, should this be the case, if the younger woman would come talk to her about it - certainly, she wouldn’t need to ask whom Erin would want to bring back to life.

Erin wasn’t quite sure what to think of the idea that Sharon might figure it out - if she did, the younger engineer might just as well go to Abby and Patty with it, and tell them what Erin was doing, and somehow, the physicist was quite sure that, even if Sharon would reassure them the machine might actually  _ work _ , the two other Ghostbusters would only see this as yet another sign for Erin going bonkers, driven mad by grief over losing Holtzmann.

If Sharon had an idea, she kept it to herself though, and didn’t let it show through her expression; she still did look impressed though when she approached Erin shortly before five p.m., holding the notebook out to her once she had cleared her throat to gain the older woman’s attention.

“This is really impressive”, Sharon said, handing the notebook back to her, “thank you for letting me look at this. To think that Doct… that Holtzmann wrote all of this down and still built all the weapons and stuff for you guys… Did she ever sleep?”

“Not as much as she should have”, Erin replied, smiling a bit as she thought back to one memorable afternoon, “I once caught her when she went for her secret stash of energy drinks, she had a whole hidden compartment with cans of Red Bull and Monster, enough to keep a football team going for days. And she still drank so much coffee, it was disconcerting. She would have lived off of Pringles and these drinks if we had let her, I kept telling her she’d end up in an early grave…”

She trailed off as she realized what exactly she just had said, and swallowed heavily; momentarily, Sharon looked a bit awkward, oddly reminding her of how Holtzmann had reacted whenever she hadn’t been sure how to handle something, and it only made her pain worse - then the younger woman tentatively reached out and put one hand on Erin’s shoulder, her gaze full of sympathy when she replied.

“I wish I could have met her”, she said, making Erin smile sadly again, “and I know I’ve said this before, but I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“It’s my own fault”, Erin sighed in response, with an unhappy look at the notebook, “or maybe our fault, I don’t know. We waited too long, I was too anxious… I’d change so many things if I could. I guess I should tell you to never wait about such things, but you didn’t make that mistake, huh?”

She glanced at the wedding ring the younger woman was wearing, hoping that she didn’t come across as envious or bitter; apparently though, she hadn’t, Sharon giving a brief smile as she nodded, the way her eyes lit up making Erin feel a bit envious after all, and she wondered if she had looked like that whenever someone had mentioned Holtzmann, back when the engineer had still been alive.

“I guess I didn’t”, Sharon said, distracting her from these thoughts, “Robert and I met in college, you know, and… I know how this sounds, like the love-struck teenager, but already during the first date, I knew I wanted to marry him. For the first few months, I kept waiting for some horrible flaw to pop up, but so far, none have manifested. Even though others might think he’s awfully boring, he’s kind of quiet, but that comes with his job.”

“What does he do?” Erin wanted to know, more to be polite than out of real interest; she figured that she owed the young engineer a bit of interest though, especially after how kindly she had spoken about Holtzmann’s work and due to her keeping secret about the machine she had caught Erin working on. 

“He’s a librarian”, Sharon let her know, “you ever seen Buffy? He’s like a younger version of Giles. Honestly, part of me can’t wait to get slimed, if only so I can chase him around and threaten to rub the stuff on his glasses.”

“Just stay close to me then”, Erin replied with a small laugh, making Sharon smile as well, “the stuff seems after me personally. I’m getting slimed way more often than any other member of the team.”

_ “Kevin!”  _ Abby’s voice thundered from downstairs before Sharon could reply to that, making them both jump,  _ “I can’t believe you! We’ve talked about this!” _

“Oh no”, Erin said, coming to her feet and rushing to the stairs; together, the two women hurried to the ground floor, where they found Kevin looking sheepish and Abby glaring at him, waving an envelope around, turning to look at Erin and Sharon when they came down the stairs.

“What happened?” Erin wanted to know, worried - Abby didn’t often get this angry, and not with Kevin, the researcher actually being the one who was the most forgiving about his mistakes, so he certainly had messed up something big if her friend reacted like this.

“We just got a call from Jennifer Lynch because we didn’t RSVP for an event”, Abby let her know, giving the ashamed Kevin another glare, “well, turns out it’s a banquet during which we are supposed to receive an award, and Kevin here thought the invitation was junk and threw it out. If she hadn’t called, we wouldn’t even have known this was happening! And it’s tomorrow night!”

“Tomorrow night!” Erin squeaked, “oh my God! Kevin!”

“I’m sorry, bosses!” Kevin replied, looking unhappy now, “I didn’t mean to!”

“Next time, if you’re not sure if something is junk mail or legit, you  _ ask _ ”, Abby strictly told him, making him nod at once, “and we, ladies, better make sure we’re ready for this tomorrow.”

Erin sighed, not liking the thought of losing an evening, knowing Holtzmann and she had to work fast, before the engineer might go malevolent; she still nodded though, not wanting to make Abby suspicious of her mental health again, and even managed a smile, telling herself that she could do this and perhaps, Holtzmann and she could get some more work done after the event, still eager to finish the machine as fast as possible.

* * *

Erin fidgeted in her chair, sitting at a round table in one of the fanciest ballrooms in NYC. The event was called “Celebrating the Citizens of New York City,” where the Mayor and other politicians had chosen people who they felt deserved recognition for acts or deeds they had done in the past year. The Mayor himself had picked the Ghostbusters for this honor, causing Patty to remark, “is this another form of hush money, because to be honest, I could use some money to pay off my car note instead.”

The Ghostbusters and Kevin had managed to find appropriate formal wear in time for the event, Jennifer Lynch sending a limo for them to get picked up at the firehouse. Erin had actually invited Sharon to attend as well, even though she had only been a member of the team for a short time. The younger woman had declined, clearly embarrassed and honored she had even been asked. “Um, my husband and I planned date night sooo…” Sharon had added sheepishly, making Erin feel a slight pang of jealousy that herself and Holtzmann had never had a proper date themselves.

Abby had squeezed the physicist’s shoulder on the way to the banquet. “You’ve taken a liking to Sharon recently I see.”

Erin shrugged. “I guess - she’s a good kid. She’ll never be Holtzmann though.”

Abby smiled sadly. “Erin - no one will ever be Holtz.”

The physicist took a deep breath. “Listen, I’ve been thinking about something. Let me accept the award tonight and say a few words.”

The researcher shot her friend a concerned look. “Are you sure? Erin, I know how nervous you get talking in front of large crowds. Hell, remember when you had to give that presentation in English on the short stories of Poe and you got about six sentences into it and ralphed on Ms. Adams shoes?”

“That doesn’t count Abby, I had the stomach flu.”

“Uh-huh. Well, if you’re sure…”

“I am.” Erin tried to put on her best look of confidence. “I wasn’t brave enough to say anything during Holtz’s funeral. I owe it to her to tell everyone how wonderful she was.”

Abby reached over to grab Erin’s hand. “I know you’ll do her proud honey.”

Now, a couple hours later, Erin was beginning to regret offering to give a speech in front of a room full of strangers. She had sat through nearly 45 minutes of award-giving, and was sure she could never speak as eloquently and introspectively as the recipients that came before.

She twisted the notecards in her hands of the speech she prepared as the Mayor came up to the podium to introduce them. His speech was both cheesy and perfunctory, praising the team for their dedication, for their research. He shot a glance over to Erin, as if to remind her not to say too much, lest they lose their secret funding. 

Patty leaned over to place a comforting hand on Erin’s shoulder as the Mayor droned on.

“You’re gonna do great baby.”

Erin nodded as the Mayor held his hand out, calling Erin up to the stage to accept the award. The physicist stood up rather awkwardly, making sure to take careful steps in her heels and tight red formal dress so she didn’t wipe out in front of everyone. The Mayor smiled when she passed him on her way to the podium. Once there Erin swallowed thickly as she looked out at the room full of people, the polite applause dying down. She closed her eyes.

_ Do it. For Holtz. _

Suddenly a sense of calm washed over the physicist. She put the notes she had prepared face down on the podium, deciding to speak from the heart.

“Thank you Mayor. I accept this award behalf of myself, my three colleagues and one stunningly attractive, if not mostly competent receptionist.”

The laughter from the audience increased Erin’s confidence, spurring her to continue.

“The Ghostbusters do this work not only because we love it, but because we also love this city. Some of you may think what we research, what we seek to accomplish may be trivial, or make-believe. But know that everything we endeavor is because we want to learn more about things that may harm you. That may harm us all.”

Erin swallowed, steeling herself for what she was about to say next. “I would be remiss in not mentioning one person who is not here with us tonight. She was probably the most passionate of us all, even though that manifested itself in some of the oddest ways imaginable. She was brilliant, she was inventive, and she loved every second of being a Ghostbuster. You’ll never know what she did to save us - all of us.”

A single tear fell down Erin’s cheek. “We love and miss you dearly Holtzmann. This award is for you.”

Erin walked off the stage quickly before she was too overcome with emotion, the applause from the crowd comforting her a small amount. She glanced at her table to see Patty, Abby and Kevin all clapping wildly, tears streaming down their faces. A slight movement in the corner of her eye caused her to look at the back of the ballroom.

She saw the ghostly form of Holtzmann smiling at her. She blew Erin a kiss before disappearing.


	23. Chapter 23

A few days passed, days during which Erin and Holtzmann got more work done on the machine after the other Ghostbusters had gone home; they both knew that they were running out of time, and worked as fast as it was possible, but at least, Erin thought to herself when she fell into bed at night, Holtzmann hadn’t had another freakout since the one which had scared her so badly, and she allowed herself to hope that maybe, they could get done in time.

Holtzmann was just as worried about going malevolent as Erin, and so, gave her best to focus on keeping her calm and on conserving her strength whenever she was in the ghostly train station; JD helped as much as she could, by now having given up on trying to talk Holtzmann out of building the machine, using their time together instead to make sure Holtzmann wouldn’t go evil.

“I had to die to learn how to sit still”, Holtzmann commented one afternoon, when JD was guiding her through what could only be called the ghostly equivalent to meditation; the Victorian ghost snorted at that, but then put on a solemn face again and told her to be quiet, the engineer letting out a sigh as she gave her best to do as she had been told.

_ If Erin could see me now,  _ she thought to herself, closing her eyes and trying to empty her mind, like JD was telling her to,  _ actually meditating. She’d laugh so hard. _

Her lips twitched as she imagined Erin’s reaction; then, JD scoldingly said “Holtzmann!”, and she cleared her throat, trying to empty her mind again, unaware of the events unfolding in the land of the living.

While Holtzmann was working on keeping her calm and on not going malevolent, Erin was doing work of her own, brooding over an equation which had been giving her trouble for a while now; she had been trying to solve it for so long that her head was starting to hurt, and so, she was somewhat thankful for the distraction when Sharon approached her, even though the younger woman looked somewhat nervous.

“Um, Erin”, she said, the way she fidgeted oddly reminding Erin of her own nervous tick whenever she felt upset or anxious about something, “do you have a moment? I have to show you something.”

“Sure”, Erin gave back, curious; she came to her feet and followed the young engineer to the corner of the lab, where a bunch of spare parts Holtzmann had kept there still was lying around in quite the heap, a mess none of them had had the heart to clean, and one which apparently didn’t bother Sharon much.

“I was going through these parts”, the brunette told her, gesturing at the pile, “looking for something I might use to fix that bit of damage Patty’s pack took during the last bust and… I found this.”

She pointed to what looked like a very rough prototype for the proton packs; during her search for parts, she apparently had found a sort of hidden compartment, and in that, a tattered notebook laid, Erin smiling a bit to herself as she had to give Holtzmann props for this hiding place - if she hadn’t died, and hadn’t been replaced, Erin was quite sure that none of them ever would have found this.

“I didn’t dare look into it”, Sharon told her, “I mean, she probably had a reason to hide it there like this but... “

“It might have important information about our work”, Erin finished for her, making her nod, “I’ll take a look at it and let you know. Thank you for showing this to me.”

Sharon smiled, clearly relieved that the discovery would be taken off her hands, and told Erin not to mention it; carefully, not wanting to damage the rather worn looking notebook, Erin took it out of the compartment and carried it back to her desk, for a moment considering to take a closer look when she’d be home and alone, then deciding against it, thankful for anything which might distract her from that irksome equation.

Expecting to see diagrams and drawings and numbers in Holtzmann’s messy scrawl, Erin opened the notebook; instead, she found herself looking at what appeared to be simple text, no drawings or numbers in sight anywhere, and she frowned, reading a few lines before she realized what she was holding in her hands.

_...came to Higgins today to yell at Abby about the book, I told her this would happen sooner or later, and now it has happened. She arrived just when Benny did with lunch so at first Abby didn’t even realize who just stormed into our lab I think. _

With her cheeks burning, Erin realized what she was reading and snapped the notebook shut, eyes going wide; she had never known that Holtzmann had kept a sort of diary, and certainly hadn’t expected to read about herself in this, her heart racing in her chest as she stared at the worn notebook.

_ Put it away,  _ she told herself,  _ and when Holtzmann shows up again, tell her you found it. Don’t read it, that’s an invasion of privacy. _

On the other hand, she then thought to herself, Holtzmann had been writing about her, and if she just read that… 

She opened the notebook again before she could stop herself, mentally making a note to tell Holtzmann about it though and perhaps apologize; a quick glance around told Erin that no one was paying attention to what she was doing, and she started to read, her heart cramping up at the words.

_ Abby didn’t realize it immediately but I did, and holy shit, her photo on the back of the book doesn’t do her justice. I’ve been in love with Dr Gilbert’s mind ever since I read the book, but now that I saw her? Wow I’m in love with the rest of her, too. Too bad I’ll never see her again, she left pretty quickly after she’d gotten slimed. I wish she had stayed. _

Erin swallowed heavily, the words blurring in front of her eyes as tears filled them; the words Holtzmann had written down only hammered it home again how both of them had wasted precious time by pining for each other in silence, and yet again, Erin wished that she could go back in time and change everything.

_ In love with my mind,  _ she thought to herself, gently running her fingers over the page, feeling the slight indentations where Holtzmann had pressed down the pen harder than perhaps necessary,  _ she’s been in love with me before she even  _ met  _ me, and then when she did, that only grew stronger… _

She took in a deep breath, fighting back the tears, then read on, and as she did, it got harder and harder to not start crying, her heart clenching up painfully at the words Holtzmann had written months ago.

_ SHE’S BACK _ , the engineer jubilantly had scrawled, and Erin could imagine the smile which had been on her face in perfect detail,  _ Erin came to the lab again today, so awesome. … well she came to yell at us because the AM video got her fired, which sucks so bad for her, but still. She’s back and she’s all fire and eager to capture a ghost and we’ll work together! I’m so happy I just want to KISS her. _

The last two words were too much, and Erin snapped the notebook shut, practically shooting up from her seat; she heard Abby call out her name, but didn’t stop, just mumbling something about needing fresh air as she hurried to the back door, eager to get outside before the others would notice how upset she was, just wanting some time alone to deal with what she just had read - and what Holtzmann and she had lost due to their reluctance.

* * *

Erin slid down the brick wall of the alley behind the firehouse, head in hands. When her butt hit the asphalt she let out a sniffle.

_ All that time we could have been together. Would things have turned out different? Would Holtz still be alive? I threw away the best chance I ever had for happiness. All because I was too chickenshit to say anything… _

The tears came again, hot and fast. The physicist swiped at them with the back of her hands. Angry at herself for being upset. Angry at herself for the cause of such pain.

_ I hate myself. I hate everything. This isn’t right, this isn’t… _

A small whine snapped Erin out of her misery.

_ What the hell was that? _

The sound happened again, except this time it was a prolonged whimper. Erin peered to her left. It appeared to be coming from underneath the nearby dumpster. She got on her hands and knees to cautiously peer underneath the dumpster only to find…

A small puppy.

Erin’s sadness evaporated as wee brown eyes looked back into hers. Her face widened into a wide smile as she cooed.

“Hey there little guy. Or girl. Whatcha doing under there?”

The puppy began to whine again, Erin realizing the poor thing was most likely scared and knew trying to reach under the dumpster to try to grab it would only frighten it further. She pondered for a second before having a revelation and reaching into the pocket of the gray cardigan she was wearing.

“You like goldfish crackers buddy?”

The physicist slowly opened the small bag of crackers she had stuck in her pocket with the intention of having them for a snack later. She placed a few on the ground in front of the puppy and waited.

The small dog sprung forward, obviously hungry. Erin spread a few more on the ground leading the puppy out from under the dumpster. She sat back on the ground, legs crossed, watching as the pup devoured the snack. Erin placed a few in the palm of her hand and waited to see what the animal would do. The puppy cocked its head for a moment before bounding into Erin’s lap, taking the crackers out of the physicist’s hand.

“Woah there, mighty hungry, aren’t we?”

Erin took a good look at the dog while feeding it the rest of the goldfish. It was a black and white mix, most likely a mutt. She didn’t think it could be more than three or four months old, and after a quick assessment, it was obviously a boy. Once he had polished off the crackers, he stopped to look up at Erin, as if he was assessing the woman as well.

He then proceeded to jump up and lick Erin’s face. 

“Ahaha that tickles!” Erin closed her eyes as the puppy gave her the dog equivalent of kisses. The physicist cradled the pup in her arms, giggling uncontrollably.

“Cheating on me with a younger man, eh?”

Erin opened one eye to see Holtzmann floating across from her, an expression of glee on her face.

“Holtz! Look at him! He’s so cute and small and gives the best kisses!” Erin squealed when the pup jumped up to lick the physicist on her nose.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as adorable as what I’m witnessing right now. If I wasn’t already dead, I’d probably die of the cute this instant.”

A flicker of sadness flashed across Erin’s face as she remembered why she was in the alley in the first place. Her angst was quickly assuaged when the small dog emitted a high-pitched bark, looking at Erin with deep brown eyes, as if he was trying to cheer up the physicist himself. 

“So are ya gonna keep him.?” Holtzmann floated closer to get a better look at the pup. The small dog cocked his head at the ghost, momentarily confused. He again barked, his tongue sticking out afterward, panting and smiling.

“I think he likes you Holtz.”

“A puppy has two mommies - but one’s a ghost ooooooooooh.” Holtzmann wiggled her fingers dramatically, causing the physicist to snort.

“I want to keep him Holtz. But what if he’s lost? I need to take him to the vet to check for a microchip. And to give him a one-over. He’s a little stinky.” Erin wrinkled her nose has the pup nestled his head on her chest.

“Ah I see he likes boobs as well. Good dog!”   


“Holtz!”

“Sorry, sorry. I’m an ass.” The ghost smirked. “Now you have something else little and cute to lick your face"  

“Holtz, you never licked my face.”

“Well I would have sooner or later.” Holtzmann winked “But if I did so now it'd be slimey sooooo..." 

“Please don’t Holtz.”

“Fiiiiiiiine.” Holtzmann chuckled as the pup began to snore, now completely conked out in Erin’s arms. “Have any ideas for a name?”

“Well I’m not sure if I want to name him yet if…”

“Hot Stuff!” Holtzmann interrupted loudly.

“What?”

“Name him Hot Stuff. Like you.” 

“Absolutely not. I'm not gonna go to the park and then yell ‘HOT STUFF, COME HERE’, Holtz.”

“Pfft, you’re no fun Gilbert.”

Erin shot Holtzmann a dirty look as the ghost spun around slowly, her hand scratching her chin.

“Hmmmmm…” After a moment Holtzmann shot her hand up in the air. “I’ve got it!”

“Got what Holtz? And shush, you’ll wake up the puppy, not to mention call attention to yourself from half the neighborhood.”

“I got a name for him. It’s perfect!”

Erin tilted her head. “What is it?”

Holtzmann beamed. “Wait for it…” The ghost held up a finger, before exclaiming “Buster! His name is Buster! It’s a pun, see? The Ghostbusters and their mascot, Buster.”

Erin glanced down at the pup, who was currently twitching in his sleep. “Buster. I like it.”

There was a comfortable silence before Holtzmann cleared her throat. “Well, I just dropped in briefly to let you know I had an idea to increase power to the machine. But we can talk about that later tonight now that you’ve got small, furry and handsome to take care of.”

The physicist looked up, the happiness displayed on her face making Holtzmann feel warm on the inside. “I’ll see you tonight then Holtz.”  
  
“Bye E. Bye Buster.” Holtzmann saluted before fading away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, maschinenmensch here. When I was writing my part of this chapter, I googled pictures of puppies to get an idea of how Buster looked in my head (and let's be honest, who doesn't like to look at pupper pics). So, [here he is.](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/79/90/20/799020edd771b17b1969556d9f1fc75a.jpg) :D Things are about to get exciting now, so buckle your seatbelts dear readers ;)


	24. Chapter 24

Erin was nervous when she returned to the firehouse with Buster in tow, unsure of how her friends would react to a small puppy in their place of work. But judging by the oohing and cooing, it appeared Buster would be welcomed into the fold immediately.

“Oh my god Erin, he’s so cute, I could eat him up!”

“Give him here. Come to mama Abby little guy.”

“His name is Buster,” Erin said proudly as she handed the pup to Abby, who was greeted with kisses. “It’s a pun - H - I came up with it.”

“He’s adorable,” Sharon nearly squealed as she scratched the pup under his chin, causing him to yelp happily. “Where’d you find him?”

“He was under the dumpster in the alley - I found him there when I went outside for...air.” The physicist shook her head in an attempt to stop the sad thoughts from creeping back. “I think we’d better take him to the vet though. Just to make sure he’s okay. And to check for a microchip.”

“Good idea Erin, let’s hop in the Ecto-1 and go. Patty you’re in charge while we’re gone.”

“Hey, wait a minute! How come we all don’t get to go?”

Abby smirked. “Because I need you and Sharon to keep an eye on our other lost puppy - Kevin.”

Patty groaned. “Dammit!”

* * *

Erin had been nervous to be alone in the car with Abby for the ride to the vet, quite sure that her friend would bring up therapy again; Abby did no such thing though, either having dropped the thought or being too distracted by the cuteness of the puppy, said puppy sitting in Erin’s lap and looking out the car in wonder while Abby was driving.

“So”, Abby broke the comfortable silence after a while, gesturing at the puppy and making it clear that she still had no plans to bring up therapy, “if this little guy has no owner, you gonna keep him?”

“I think so”, Erin gave back, running her hand through Buster’s fur and prompting him to lick her palm, making her smile again, “he’s so adorable, and if he has no home, he deserves one… And it might help with…”

She trailed off, not sure how to put it into words that the dog might help with coping with the loneliness she felt all too often ever since Holtzmann had died, especially when the engineer’s ghost wasn’t around - not that she could mention  _ that _ , what with Abby not quite believing her about this - but apparently, Abby got what she was talking about, anyway, giving her a brief, but kind smile as she nodded.

“It might”, she then agreed, focusing on the road again, “and I agree, that little guy is so adorable, he can’t just go back out on the street or to some shelter. So if he has no owners, he can become our new mascot!”

“Sounds good”, Erin smiled, and Buster let out a little bark, as if in agreement; both Erin and Abby giggled at the sound, the puppy wagging his tail enthusiastically in response to their laughter, and for the first time since Holtzmann had died, Erin felt truly and completely happy, not a smidgen of her sadness and pain on her mind.

* * *

As it turned out, Buster had no microchip, and apparently no owner; and so it was decided that Erin would keep him, the physicist making a list of the things she’d need for him while the vet examined the dog, making sure he was healthy.

They made a stop at a pet shop the vet had recommended to get the things Erin would need, and soon, the back of Ecto-1 was filled with dog food, a bed for Buster, dishes for his food and water, and a plastic carrier; Erin had gotten a collar and a leash, too, smiling as she entered the firehouse with the dog happily scurrying along behind her.

“No chip”, the physicist said before Patty or Sharon had the chance to ask, “well, he had none when the vet checked him. He has one now, I’ve pretty much decided to adopt him…”

“Yay!” Patty cheered, while Sharon smiled as well and Kevin came ambling over to take a look at the dog -  _ her  _ dog now, Erin figured, smiling brightly at her afterwards while he lowered himself into a crouch so Buster could lick his palm. 

“Mike Hat and him can have play dates!” Kevin said enthusiastically, making Erin smile and nod, “and we can go on walks together so they can pee!”

“Yes, we can”, Erin agreed, making him smile brightly at her; she smiled back at him, hiding the pang she felt at his words quite well - when he just had started working for them, she thought to herself with a hint of bitterness, she probably would have given her left arm to get an offer like the one he just had made, and now, she couldn’t have cared less, all she wanted was to get Holtzmann back.

“Awesome”, Kevin beamed at her, unaware of the dark thoughts running through her mind; judging from the sympathetic look Abby sent her way, the researcher had picked up on them, but didn’t make any comment, just giving her a brief, somewhat sad smile while Kevin finished petting Buster and straightened up again.

“Well”, Erin said, before her friend could get the idea to approach her and ask her if she was fine - or, perhaps, bring therapy up again, “I guess it’s time to find out if Buster can be a good and quiet boy while I get some work done, huh? Think you can do that, Buster? Be quiet while I work?”

Buster let out a little bark in response, and Erin found herself smiling again; she led the way to her desk, the dog following willingly, wagging his tail happily while she sat down at the desk - before he laid down next to her chair and promptly fell asleep, Erin finding herself smiling again as she began her work, Buster snoring unperturbed at her feet, his feet twitching every now and then, the ease with which he slept making it quite clear how at home he already felt.

* * *

With the progress Holtzmann and she had made on the machine, Erin was quite aware that, if they hit no roadblocks that night, they would be able to turn it on once a few finishing touches had been made to it; and so, she pretty much started counting the minutes once it was four p.m., waiting for Abby and Patty to leave, catching Sharon’s eye when the two other Ghostbusters were finally getting ready to head home.

“Sharon, can you stay a few minutes longer?” she asked, making sure to sound perfectly innocent, not wanting Abby and Patty to get suspicious, “it’s about those numbers you needed help with?”

Sharon hadn’t asked her for any help with any numbers, but caught on quickly and nodded; Erin smiled at her, then pretended to be busy until Abby and Patty were gone, Sharon coming to her desk the moment the door had closed behind the two.

“I have to ask a favour”, Erin got straight to the point, “can you take Buster home with you tonight? W… I want to do a test run of the… surprise machine, and just in case something goes wrong…”

“Sure”, Sharon replied, smiling at her, then at Buster, the puppy wagging his tail at her, “want me to take a quick look at it? Just in case?”

Erin’s first instinct was to say no, then she paused and figured that it couldn’t hurt to have a second set of eyes with a background in engineering take a look; and so, she nodded, then led the way to the garage, the younger woman trailing along behind her, letting out a small impressed whistle when Erin removed the tarp and exposed the machine.

“Wow”, the younger woman then said, eying the complicated looking machine, “that’s… really impressive.”

Erin smiled, not sure how to respond, not wanting to give it away that she had been working on this with Holtzmann’s ghost; Sharon went closer for another look, checking things here and there, but not having to do much, tightening a few screws and bolts, for which Erin simply had lacked the strength to make them as tightly as someone like Sharon or Holtzmann could have.

“Alright”, the younger woman finally said, straightening up again and stepping back from the machine, “looks good. I’ll take Buster then and I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Hopefully”, Erin tried to joke, but the joke fell somewhat flat, since Sharon didn’t smile, but held her gaze for a few seconds - before she reached out and surprised Erin by gently touching her arm, her voice and eyes kind when she replied.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Erin”, she repeated, “and… I hope it’ll work and you get to see her again. Good luck.”

All Erin could do was stare at her, not having expected this at all; Sharon gave her another smile, then took Buster’s leash and left the garage with him, the physicist looking after her, still stunned.

“So she figured it out, huh”, Holtzmann said from behind her, making Erin jump, “she’s a smart one. But then, Gorin  _ did _ recommend her…”

“I had no idea that she knew”, Erin mumbled, smiling a bit as Holtzmann floated to face her, “and Holtzmann, you scared me. You have got to stop doing that.”

“Sorry, hot stuff”, the engineer smirked, and almost made a comment about how, if the machine would work, there would be no more danger of her scaring Erin, then held it back though, not wanting to make the physicist sad by reminding her of the fact that she’d be completely gone soon, “so… ready for the final touches?”

Erin nodded and took in a deep breath, relaxing her body and mind; Holtzmann gave her another reassuring look, then possessed her, the goo which dropped from Erin’s nose down to a few drops at this point, but still enough that she had to use a tissue before the engineer could get to work.

Once again, she took a backseat in her mind once the goo had been taken care of, and let Holtzmann take over; and again, the engineer kept up a running commentary as she worked, telling Erin how she would make the machine powerful enough for what they needed it to do, but in a way which wouldn’t make it go poof.

_ Alright,  _ the blonde said in her mind after almost two hours of working,  _ I think we’re all set. Ready? _

“Yes”, Erin replied, shuddering a bit when Holtzmann left her body - she always felt so oddly cold then, she reflected, with the engineer’s warmth and love gone from her mind; Holtzmann ended up floating behind her and nodded encouragingly, and Erin took in a deep breath, her heart racing now as she realized that it was time.

“Well”, she said out loud, unable to keep the tremble out of her voice, Holtzmann looking quite apprehensive, as well, “here goes nothing.”

She took in another deep breath, then stepped closer to the machine; turning back, she looked at Holtzmann once more, making the engineer nod - and then, she flipped the switches, in the order Holtzmann had told her to, a low hum filling the garage as the machine came to life, Erin holding her breath as she waited to see if it’d do what they wanted it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, a patented Holtzbro cliffhanger. Don't kill us pls ;)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are who we are, so this gets smutty. Just a lil heads-up ;)

The buzzing of the machine became so loud Erin covered her ears, wondering for a moment if they should have moved it somewhere outside the garage, the small space only amplifying the sounds. She turned around to look at Holtzmann, who had a look of concern on her face, before her expression changed to one of fear.

_ The last time I saw her look like that was right before she went off to sacrifice herself and… _

A blinding light caused Erin to cover her face with one arm. Just moments later there was a loud pop. 

And then silence.

Erin waited a beat before removing her hands from her face, only to see smoke rising from the machine.

Holtzmann was nowhere to be found.

“Holtz? Holtzmann?”

Her voice was greeted by the sounds of sizzling and the overhead lights flickering. Erin walked closer to the machine to inspect it. It only took a moment of looking at a melted circuit board and sparking wires for the realization to hit that the machine was toast.

“No…”

_ It didn’t work. Holtz is gone. I’ll never be able to fix it. I’ll never see her again. I’m a failure, all this work and… _

Erin sunk to her knees. Three months of nightmares, loneliness and regret came crashing down on her. Three months of being without Holtzmann.

“Why? WHY?” Tears streamed down the physicist’s face. She was sure if it was physically possible for one’s heart to break, hers would be in a billion pieces right now.

_ I got my hopes up. I should have let her go sooner. I should have told her how much she meant to me when she was still here. I wish I was… _

“Erin?”

She lifted her head up, not believing. Not wanting to believe.

“Erin? Babe?”

_ I am crazy, just like Abby and Patty suspected. This is it for me, they’ll take me away and… _

“Sweetheart. Turn around. Turn around and look at me.”

“No,” Erin shook her head. “This isn’t real, I’ve finally lost it. This is all a terrible nightmare I can’t wake up from.”

“Does this seem fake to you?”

She heard footsteps behind her and then the sound of clothes rustling. She shivered at the sensation of warm hands on her shoulders.

“I can’t…”

“Baby. Look at me…”

It seemed like it took forever for her to spin her body around on her knees. But when she did, she was greeted by blue eyes and blonde curls and a lopsided smile that she fell in love with all those months ago.

“Holtz -”

Warm lips descended upon hers, hands cradled her cheeks. She whimpered.

_ This is all I’ve ever wanted. _

When they separated Holtzmann brushed the tears off Erin’s cheeks with her thumbs, an apologetic expression on her face. “I’m so sorry Erin, I must have made a miscalculation - I rematerialized in the bathroom upstairs.” The engineer smiled. “I guess better there than in the middle of the Hudson River, eh?”

Erin giggled. “Holtzy…” she leaned forward again, the kiss between them deepening. The only sensations the physicist could feel was Holtzmann’s slightly chapped lips, her tongue caressing her own, the blonde’s hands threading themselves in her hair. 

She could barely catch her breath when they broke apart, but she was able to speak the words she had been aching to say for as long as she could remember.

“Holtzmann. Take me upstairs. Take me upstairs and make love to me.”

* * *

Erin felt the nervousness in the pit of her stomach as she ascended the stairs, Holtzmann’s hand in her own. The surrealness of the situation was beginning to sink in. The woman who she had fallen hopelessly in love with, who died in her arms was here, in the flesh, right next to her. She shook her head, turning when she felt Holtzmann squeeze her hand.

“I’m real Erin. It’s ok.” Holtzmann smiled, as if she knew exactly what the physicist was thinking.

_ Well, she was in your head a lot the last few weeks. She might know you better than you know yourself. _

The physicist nodded, trying to even out her breathing. Holtzmann smiled brightly at her, leading Erin toward the room that once was the engineer’s makeshift bedroom. A bed still resided there, Erin using it on occasion the last several weeks when the two of them would be at the firehouse late working on the machine.

Once in the room, Holtzmann gently placed a hand on Erin’s hip and turned her toward her. She pressed their palms together, their arms extended in front of one another. Erin could feel Holtzmann’s body heat, her breath on her face.

“Are you nervous?”

“Yes. A little.” Erin looked into comforting blue eyes. “I’ve just wanted this for so long. I’m not sure if I’ll live up to expectations, if I’ll be able to make you -”

Holtzmann placed a finger against Erin’s lips. Her voice wavered when she spoke.

“I don’t know how long I have here. All I know is I want to make you feel good. I want to taste your skin underneath my lips.” The blonde moved her mouth to Erin’s ear, whispering huskily. 

“I want to hear my name on your lips when I make you come undone.”

Those words caused something to snap within Erin. She grabbed Holtzmann’s and kissed her so harshly the engineer moaned into her mouth. As Holtzmann walked her to the bed, she spoke against the blonde’s neck, in-between nuzzling it.

“I’m yours Holtzmann, all yours. I want you so badly.”

She felt the back of her legs hit the bed before Holtzmann applied gentle pressure, falling backward on the mattress, the engineer carefully landing on top of her. They kissed again, Erin gasping when she felt Holtzmann slip her thigh between her legs, unable to help but rock against it.

_ We fit so perfectly together… _

Holtzmann sat up and back on her knees, breathing heavily, pupils blown. She licked her lips before tugging at the bottom of Erin’s t-shirt, the physicist lifting her arms up to enable it to be removed. Her bra came next, then her jeans, socks and panties. She should have been cold, but the look from Holtzmann hovering above her made her feel as if she was on fire.

“You are so fucking beautiful Erin. Oh my god.”

Tears sprung to Erin’s eyes. No one had ever expressed such a sentiment toward her.

_ And no one else ever will. _

“Holtzy, please…”

“Please what sweetheart?” Holtzmann winked, the action causing a rush of heat between her thighs.

“Please. Make me feel again.”

Holtzmann bit her lip as she pulled her tie off, followed by her vest and shirt. When she leaned forward again, flesh was against flesh. She wasn’t sure who groaned louder at the contact, herself or Holtzmann.

“I’m gonna make you feel so good baby. You deserve it so much.” Holtzmann took her time kissing Erin’s neck, then her shoulders. When her hands cupped her breasts, Erin arched her back, mewling as Holtzmann took one nipple in her mouth and rolled her tongue over it. And then did the same to the other one.

By the time she felt the engineer’s hand sliding down her stomach, Erin was a writhing, babbling mess. Her head tossed from side to side when she felt Holtzmann’s fingers stroking her course curls. 

“Erin?”

Through hazy eyes she could see Holtzmann’s face above hers, gazing at her with a look of pure adoration.

“I want to see you.”

Holtzmann moved her fingers slightly downward, finding the spot which made Erin nearly come apart at the slightest amount of pressure. The engineer sensed this, lightly tracing circles with two fingers, bending over to place a gentle kiss on Erin’s lips before speaking. 

“Do you want me inside you or?”

Holtzmann pressed down harder, increasing her movements. Erin’s response was more a moan than words, her heels digging into the mattress.

“Yes. Please…”

Erin felt a finger trace her entrance before slowly pushing forward. It feel so good,  _ so right _ that she couldn’t make a sound, she just buried her head in Holtzmann’s shoulder and gripped her back. 

Several thrusts in Holtzmann expertly moved her thumb upward and pressed. And Erin broke apart.

She felt the blood rushing in her ears, a cry escaping her lips that was so loud, she might have been embarrassed had she had any semblance of caring about anything but what she was feeling. Her legs trembled, her fingers pressing so hard into Holtzmann’s back she left imprints.

_ This is what it’s like. This is what’s it like to let go… _

They laid in bed afterward, crying, Holtzmann kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her lips. Erin had never felt so safe in another’s arms.

“Hold me. Hold me before I -”

“Before you what?”

“Hold me before I show you how much I love you.”

* * *

For a while, Erin just looked. 

She knew that they didn’t have forever, might in fact not have much time left, but still she took a few minutes to just look, taking in every detail, committing it to her memory, all too aware that she would never see Holtzmann again after this night - not even as a ghost, she suspected, quite sure by now that the engineer’s unfinished business had something to do with this.

Even though it made her feel a bit weird, Holtzmann let her look, realizing why Erin was taking the sight of her body beneath her in like that; then, Erin moved, leaning forward until she could capture Holtzmann’s lips with her own, and kissed her deeply, running her hands up the engineer’s sides as their tongues met, a low groan coming from the blonde in response.

“I want to make you feel so good”, Erin mumbled as she pulled back from the kiss, breathing heavier, “like you made me feel. But… you might have to… guide me a bit. I’ve never done this before.”

She blushed, but Holtzmann just smiled, and nodded, clearly not minding the thought; Erin smiled back at her, then kissed her again, one hand gliding back up along Holtz’ body until she could cup one of the engineer’s breasts, smiling into the kiss when immediately, Holtzmann let out a groan and arched her back, into her touch.

Spurred on by this positive reaction, Erin pulled back from the kiss, then trailed her tongue down the other woman’s throat to her chest, making her moan; and when she took one of Holtzmann’s nipples in her mouth, mimicking what the blonde had done to her earlier, she earned another moan, louder this time, Holtzmann’s hand coming up to rest on her back as she ran her tongue over the sensitive flesh.

She took a moment to smile up at Holtzmann, then moved to pay equal attention to the engineer’s other breast; and once the engineer’s breath had grown noticeably heavier, Erin moved further down, taking a moment to kiss the insides of the blonde’s thighs - before she ran her tongue over the engineer’s folds, the way Holtzmann groaned and twitched telling her that she was doing something right.

“Oh God”, she heard Holtzmann after she had given her best to reciprocate what the engineer had done to her a while earlier, “oh Jesus  _ Erin _ …”

Erin could feel Holtzmann’s hand clench into a tight fist on her back, the other gripping the blanket tightly as the engineer shuddered beneath her; she slowed down, then raised her head and smiled, moving one hand to caress the blonde tenderly, her smile widening when she earned another shudder in response to her gentle touch.  
  
“I’m not done with you yet”, she said, prompting Holtzmann to raise her head and grin stupidly at her; Erin giggled, then lowered her head once again, and not long after, their roles were reversed once more as the engineer cried out Erin’s name, the physicist feeling an odd surge of pride at hearing this, for a little while even allowing herself to forget how limited their time together was.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning - you might wanna ready a tissue for this chapter... or two, or three...

Erin couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so good and content as she did in this very moment, lying halfway on top of Holtzmann, their naked bodies snuggled against each other beneath the blanket, the engineer’s hand on her back, the other idly playing with a strand of her auburn hair.

“Oh”, she realized a bit belatedly that she could feel the warmth of the sun rays falling into the room through the little window, “the sun’s up. Oh God Holtz, did we… all night long? Wow."

“Looks like it”, Holtzmann said, sounding amused and a bit impressed, “I didn’t even notice the sun coming up. Wow indeed, go us.”

“No surprise I’m so tired”, Erin replied with a small giggle, then grew serious again as her eyes met Holtzmann’s, her voice softer when she went on, “but… I’m glad we had this chance to be together. Do you have an idea how much longer…?”

“Not really”, Holtzmann had to admit, “not long, I’m afraid. I’m glad we had this chance too, you know, but… once the machine’s effect wears off…”

“You will be gone for good”, Erin finished for her, swallowing heavily, “right…?”

“Yes”, Holtzmann confirmed, not bothering to beat around the bush, “I only ended up becoming a ghost because of unfinished business, and once this has been taken care of… I’ll be gone. But I’m glad too we had the chance for this.”

Bravely, Erin nodded, telling herself that this was more than most people got - Holtzmann would be gone soon, but at least, they’d been given this one night together, and she knew that she’d treasure the memories of this night in her heart until the day she’d have to go, too.

“I love you”, she said, eager to tell this to Holtzmann in person before the engineer would be gone for good; not giving her a chance to reply, Erin then kissed the blonde deeply, sighing into her mouth when she felt her loose hold around her tighten, running her hands through Holtzmann’s hair and down her body, eager to burn how this was making her feel, how the engineer’s curls and skin felt beneath her palms, into her memory forever and ever. 

“I’ll never love another the way I love you”, she added, words which might have sounded insincere and cheesy at any other moment, with any other person, but came from the heart in this very moment; Holtzmann smiled at her, running one hand through her hair, eyes and voice soft when she replied.

“I want you to promise me something, Erin”, she said, earning a questioning look from the physicist, needing a moment to take a deep breath before she could go on. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid when I’m gone. Please.”

“...I promise”, Erin gave back, making her smile again - before she pulled her close for another kiss, only to grimace a bit when they pulled apart again.

“Um”, the engineer then said, shifting a bit beneath the redhead, “maybe we should get dressed now. I feel kinda… funny.”

“Oh”, Erin let out, “um, yeah, we better get dressed then, wouldn’t want you to end up naked in some sort of afterlife…”

“I wouldn’t mind”, Holtzmann shrugged while Erin moved off of her and got out of bed, “but the other ghosts would get jealous of this awesome bod.”

At this, Erin found herself laughing, and the engineer beamed at her; they took time for another kiss, then both quickly got dressed before they sat side by side on the bed, Erin holding Holtzmann’s hand, wanting as much physical contact as possible until it would be time for the blonde to leave her behind yet again.

* * *

Erin held Holtzmann’s hand as she led her to the lab, the engineer requesting one last look at it before she moved onto...wherever she would go.

_ So many good memories here...but we could have had so many more had we not… _

She glanced over at Holtzmann who had stopped, looking around the room with slightly watery eyes.

_ Stop. Enjoy whatever time you have left. _

“Well, it’s a lot cleaner than when I left it.”

Erin giggled. “Sharon’s a bit of a neat freak.”

“She’s a good kid Erin. I know she’ll be great for you guys.”

The engineer turned toward Erin, placing her hands on her cheeks and bringing their faces close together. Erin in turn, gripped Holtzmann’s waist, perhaps a little too firmly.

_ I don’t want to let her go… _

Holtzmann looked down. Erin could tell she was on the verge of saying something important by the way she avoided her eyes. The nervous licking of her lips. The stiled, rushed tone of her speech.

“People become ghosts after they die because of something they didn’t do in life - what we refer to as ‘unfinished business.’ Once you take care of it, you move on - where I don’t know. It’s never really explained. Some ghosts wait too long - those are the malevolent ones, the ones we bust. Others can’t take care of it, for whatever reason - it’s simply impossible. Those ghosts will go bad too - except for one that I met. She’s the exception to the rule.” Holtzmann smiled fondly before continuing.

“I could have taken care of this a long time ago Erin. I should have, but risked it for this moment. The opportunity to hold you again. To kiss you. To make love to you. I should have said this when I was alive. Maybe things would have been different. But I can’t change that.”

Holtzmann looked up, her blue eyes wet with tears. She pressed her forehead to Erin’s, her voice emotional and husky just centimeters from the physicist’s lips.

“Erin Gilbert, I love you. I have always loved you. Wherever I go from here, I will still love you. Forever.”

“Holtz -”

It was a kiss Erin would remember for the rest of her life. Passionate, yet tender. Holtzmann’s hands on her cheeks, her hands moving to entangle itself into messy curls. When they pulled apart, they were both sobbing.

“Jillian Holtzmann I love you so much. I love you. I love you.”

“I love you too hot stuff.” 

Holtzmann wiped the tears off Erin’s face with the pads of her thumbs. “Remember Erin. What you promised…”

“I remember. I’ll try to live the best life I can. For you.”

Erin felt the touch of Holtzmann’s hands on her cheeks become lighter. She realized the blonde was slowly fading away before her eyes.

“Holtzmann!”

“I’m so glad we met. I’m so happy we had each other, even if it wasn’t long enough. I love you.” Holtzmann winked and saluted.

Right before she faded away completely, Erin heard Holtzmann’s voice faintly over the hum of the containment units.

“I’ll see you again. One day.”

“I love you…” Erin whispered, hugging herself, willing herself not to cry. She heard a cough off to her right and turned.

Abby, Patty and Sharon were all standing at the foot of the staircase. Erin didn’t know how much they had seen of herself and Holtzmann’s emotional goodbye, but judging by the amount of tears that were spilling, she guessed it had been enough.

Erin smiled weakly. In response, Sharon leaned over and put Buster on the ground, whom she had been cradling in her arms. The small pup ran toward Erin, perhaps sensing the woman needed comforting. The physicist dropped to her knees to gather up the puppy, kissing the top of his head as he frantically tried to lick every one of her tears off her face. 

The three women approached slowly. Abby moved to hug Erin first. Then Patty. Then Sharon.

Nothing needed to be said.

And Erin Gilbert began the rest of her life.

* * *

Holtzmann wasn’t quite sure what she had been expecting when the world - and Erin - had faded to black in front of her eyes; just like when she had died, it took her a while until she could see again, and she was somewhat surprised to find herself in the train station once more.

“Huh”, she let out, looking around; then, she spotted JD up ahead, the Victorian ghost smiling at her as she floated closer. 

“I have to say”, JD said, before Holtzmann had the chance to speak up, “I’m impressed. I didn’t think your device would actually work.”

“I wasn’t sure, either”, Holtzmann admitted, making the elder ghost raise an eyebrow, “but, well, it did. And we… took care of things.”

“I imagine”, JD replied dryly, then her gaze softened visibly, “but I’m happy for you. Not many get the chance you had, and I’m happy for you that you used it well. But now, it’s time for you to move on.”

“Do you have an idea where I will go?” Holtzmann asked, a bit worried, her dismay only growing when JD shook her head, then gave her a wry smile.

“No, because I’m stuck here”, she reminded the engineer, “but I’m sure it will be enjoyable. Peaceful, perhaps.”

“If I could choose an afterlife, I’d go to Valhalla”, Holtzmann said thoughtfully, making JD laugh; she smiled at the other ghost, then reached out and touched her shoulder, her voice softening as well when she went on. “In seriousness though… thank you. For everything.”

“Nothing to thank me for”, JD reassured her, making her smile again, “and take care until we’ll meet here again, alright?”

For a moment, Holtzmann was confused, not sure when she would meet the other ghost again, with her unfinished business taken care of; then, she realized what JD was talking about, and smiled and nodded, JD smiling back at her, only to let out a somewhat surprised yelp when Holtzmann pulled her into a tight hug.

“Thanks again”, the engineer said, while JD got over her surprise and hugged her back, “and you take care, too, okay?”

“Will do”, JD reassured her, “and I’ll miss you.”  
  
Holtzmann just had time for another smile and a brief nod, then the world darkened around her again, and there was nothing but a feeling of warmth and content, and she was at peace.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, Dreamshaper here. :)  
> Whew - this must be one of the saddest things I have ever worked on, and now, it is done! Thanks to my Holtzbro who got me on board for this one - the idea was all hers, and hammering out the details and all the brainstorming was such a fun experience, despite the dark topic. *fist-bump to Elder Holtzbro* <3  
> Also, thanks to all of you who stuck with us through this ride - our next collab will be much less angsty and dramatic, we promise ;)

After Holtzmann was gone for good, Erin lived from one day to the next, mindful of the promise she had given to the blonde; and even though it still hurt, and probably would hurt for a long time, the physicist slowly found herself smiling more again as days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years.

As time went by, Erin came to realize that she hadn’t exaggerated when she had told Holtzmann she would never love another the way she had loved her; there were dates - always with men, only men, because a woman would have felt too much like cheating - and some of them were nice, and there even were a few relationships as the years went by and turned into decades, but none of them lasted long, and she never felt as if she could let them into her heart the way she had let Holtzmann.

One of the men had even become aware of this, a nice, average guy named Bill; when he had dumped her, something she hadn’t been able to care about, he had told her that he liked her, a lot, but that he could tell that her heart was with someone else, and he didn’t want to play second fiddle to whoever this person was.

Erin couldn’t really blame him for that, and couldn’t say that she missed him much once he had walked out of her apartment and out of her life, either; she focused all of her energy on her work instead of a significant other, and the Ghostbusters kept up their success, Sharon not quite as crazy and creative when it came to inventing new weapons for them, but they could do their job well enough with what they had and with the things Sharon did build for them. 

They were taken seriously, and were published in journals all over the world, and Erin found joy in that; and she also found it with her friends, a group to which Sharon had been included as well at this point, the physicist getting along just perfectly with her now that her resentment over her replacing Holtzmann had faded.

She had found joy in her life again in the seventeen years since Holtzmann had died, and on most days, was almost back to the person she had been before Holtzmann passed; and this was why Abby noticed at once when Erin acted different one fine Wednesday morning, concern evident in her voice when she asked the physicist if she was okay.

“Fine”, Erin answered, a bit distractedly, “I just feel a bit weird. Perhaps that bust yesterday took more of a toll on me than I thought it did, none of us are getting any younger.”

“Don’t remind me”, Abby said with a grimace, still feeling a twinge in her back from where a ghost had thrown her into the wall two weeks ago; when they had started the Ghostbusters, she would have shrugged this off by now, but, as Erin had said, none of them were getting younger.

“We really should look into getting apprentices”, she added, making the physicist nod. “I mean other than Sharon’s daughter.” The 15-year old had become quite the fixture over the last several years, Erin proud of the fact she had discovered a mutual love of physics. Erin and the researcher exchanged another brief smile, then Abby focused on her work again, pacified for now… until she heard something shatter and, upon turning to look, found Erin standing halfway between her desk and the kitchen, her face as white as a bedsheet, one hand clutching her chest, her coffee mug shattered on the floor at her feet.

“Erin?!” Abby half said, half cried out, coming to her feet, the alarm in her voice gaining Patty’s attention, as well, “what’s wrong?!”

“Can’t… breathe”, Erin managed to press out, both Abby and Patty running to her side when she fell to her knees, Patty yelling for Sharon, the younger woman rushing downstairs as well moments later, “hurts… chest…”

“I’m calling an ambulance”, Abby said, “stay with her!”

If Erin had had the breath to protest, she would have, would have told them to let her go, even though she knew they wouldn’t; as it was though, all she could do was let out a weak, helpless groan, feeling Patty wrap both arms around her and hold her as she slumped to the side, the historian mumbling reassuring words to her while Abby was yelling at the 911 person that they had to hurry up, that her best friend was on the floor with a heart attack… and while Erin still wondered if this was truly what was happening to her, the world darkened around her, her last conscious thought being about Holtzmann and the question if she would see her again sooner than expected.

* * *

_ Don’t be scared, I’m waiting for you… _

Erin heard the voice and opened her eyes, disappointed to find she was in a hospital bed, hooked up to several machines. She was hoping she would have awoken to see…

_ Holtz. _

She heard her. She knew she had. But she was recovering from what was presumably a heart attack rather than seeing the love of her life again. How much longer did she have to wait?

Erin was so tired. She didn’t want to do this anymore. Everyday without Holtzmann had been painful. 

She was tired of the pain.

The physicist heard a grunting noise to her right. She was able to turn her head far enough to see a half asleep Abby stumble toward her, the woman having dozed off in the uncomfortable hospital chair. “Erin? Can you hear me?”

“Abby. What happened?” Erin’s voice was raspy, barely above a whisper, the oxygen tube drying out her throat.

“You had a heart attack Er. You’re scheduled for a triple bypass tomorrow. They said that you stabilized enough that you could wait. Apparently you picked a busy day for the ol’ ticker to go kaput - the heart surgeons are working overtime.”

Erin closed her eyes, but not before a tear trailed down her cheek.

_ I’m so tired… _

“Hey, hey.” Abby put a comforting hand on Erin’s shoulder. “You’re going to be ok, everything’s going to be fine.”

“But what if… what if I don’t want it to be.”

The silence hung heavily in the air. A look of understanding finally flashed on Abby’s face. 

“Erin - if you need to go. Go.”

The machines started to beep as Erin opened her eyes. 

“Abby.” The physicist was struggling to get her words out, her voice so quiet the researcher needed to bend down with her ear to Erin’s mouth to hear her. 

“Don’t call anyone. Let me go. It’s time.”

Abby stifled a sob, trying to keep a brave face for her best friend. The friend she had known for over two thirds of her life. “Tell Holtzmann we love her. We miss her.”

“I will. We’ll wait for you too.” Erin used what little strength she had to reach out for Abby’s hand. “Patty. Tell her - I’m sorry and I love her. Sharon too.”

“Erin - I’m so glad we’re friends, I’m so glad -”

“Me too Abby. I love you always.”

Erin’s eyes got wide, a look of peace coming over her face.

“Holtz -”

The machines flatlined.

Abby stood there, gripping Erin’s hand, crying, until the nurses pushed her out of the way, grabbing the defibrillators in an attempt to bring the physicist back.

_ Don’t bring her back… _

In the chaos she felt Patty, grab her shoulder, spin her around. The historian had left briefly to get coffee, only to find Abby hysterical and Erin…

“Abby, baby. What happened?”

“She’s gone - gone to see Holtz.” Abby smiled through her tears.

Patty looked over at the frantic efforts of the medical team and then back at Abby. 

“You let her go didn’t you? You didn’t call anyone right away because…”

“That’s what she wanted.”

Patty pulled the researcher into a hug, kissing the top of her head as she sobbed into her shoulder.

“Seventeen years.”

“Huh?” Abby lifted up her tear-stained face.

“Seventeen years ago today Holtzmann passed away. It’s almost as if…”

“It was supposed to end this way.”

The two women watched as the medical staff left the room slowly. Erin looked serene.

She looked happy.

* * *

Erin blinked.

_ Is this the bright light everyone talks about? _

Once her eyes adjusted, she found herself in a train station. Hundreds of people were milling about, paying her no mind.

_ This is like the station in the dream I had. The very first time Holtz came to see me and… _

“Finally, you don't carry any more tension in your shoulders."

Erin spun to see blue eyes sparkling, a cocky grin. 

“Holtzmann!”

She threw her arms around the blonde so forcefully the two of them nearly toppled over. Erin wasted no time, kissing Holtzmann with a passion she’d only ever had for her. When they broke apart, she noticed the two of them were young - as they had been seventeen years earlier.

“Told ya I’d wait for you hot stuff.”

“I never doubted it. Never. It just -” Erin trailed a finger down Holtzmann’s cheek. “It just seemed as if it took forever to see you again.”

“See, it didn’t seem that long for me. Feels like just yesterday I had my head between your thighs and…”

“HOLTZ!” Erin play slapped the blonde’s shoulder.

They stood there for a moment, holding one another.

“I can’t believe I’m in your arms again,” Erin whispered.

“And this time it’s forever.” 

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.” Holtzmann untangled herself from Erin’s embrace, grabbing her hand while heading toward what looked like one of the train depots. “It’s hard to explain. All I know is we’re going to be so happy.”

Erin looked up to see Holtzmann’s attention captured by a woman standing against a nearby wall in Victorian dress. The woman smiled at the two of them, Holtzmann giving her a two-fingered salute in response.

“Who’s that?”

“A friend.” Holtzmann’s voice was unusually emotional. “A friend who helped me when things seemed hopeless.”

Erin stopped to touch Holtzmann’s cheek, placing a tender kiss on her lips.

“I love you Holtzmann.”  
  
“I love you too Erin. Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it!
> 
> First off, I’d like to give a big thanks to my partner-in-crime, my bro, Dreamshaper for agreeing to tackle this monstrosity for me. I’ve had this story in my head for months, and working with her, fleshing out the storyline and the characters (JD is pretty much her creation) was a treat. Thanks for risking the pitchforks and torches for me ;) *fist-bump* <3
> 
> Secondly, thank you to all of you who stuck this out and finished this. I know it wasn’t easy to read (how do you think we felt about writing it?), but we hope it was worth it. To those who left kudos and such nice comments, and even those who yelled at us for being jerks, thank you!
> 
> Keep your eyes peeled, the two of us have something more our standard fare (hehehe) that will make its way on here in the weeks to come. And I have plans for a companion piece to this fic - I may have laid the groundwork for it in this last chapter…
> 
> This is your Elder Holtzbro, signing off *salutes*


End file.
